AITA for not asking my GF if my sister can live with us ?

Jeff (28M) has a younger sister, Julia (27F), with whom he has a complicated relationship due to her frequent instability in jobs and friendships. He provides her with a separate “guesthouse” to live in whenever she needs help.

When Julia returns to the guesthouse after losing her job, Jeff’s girlfriend, Lenna (26F), becomes upset that he didn’t consult her first about Julia staying there. Jeff believes he shouldn’t have to ask for Lenna’s opinion since he had previously explained his sister’s situation. Read the original story below…

‘ AITA for not asking my GF if my sister can live with us ?’

I Jeff (28m) have a younger sister Julia (27f), we are orphans and spent our lives in orphanages, and this might be the reason my sister clearly has some mental health problems. (Not diagnosed, she has never made the first step – admitting any problems)

At first, she seems like a normal person, but she can’t keep anything or anyone in her life longer than a few months or sometimes a year, she changes jobs and friends more than some people change socks, and it is always someone else’s fault when things don’t work out.

All her coworkers and bosses are always assholes every time something goes south. I am used to her nonsense and can keep our relationship working as I know her well and I have my own set of rules – for example, I never lend her money.

It might be n**cissism (I am no psychologist though) and I am the “flying monkey”, but a self-aware one giving her only things to keep her from ending up in the street.

Years ago I built a “guesthouse” on top of the garage which is a separate building in my yard, so I could offer her a place to stay every time she got kicked out because the landlord was bad or she just lost her job and can’t afford it anymore – in short I provide her warm place to stay, bed to sleep in and keep food in the “guesthouse” fridge until she gets on her feet again.

It is basically like a studio apartment. I met my girlfriend Lenna (26f) a year ago and I told her about my relationship with my sister and she did not make much of it, it is like she did not really listen to what I told her or what she expected, that person who is over 25 must be grown up by now.. Moving on to the problem:

My sister made a record and worked in one place for more than a year straight! And of course, things went south this summer and she can’t afford rent and she is back in my “guesthouse”. That pissed off my girlfriend, that I did not even ask her “I thought this is our home!”

And that she sets bad example to our kids (We both have a kid from previous marriage) I tried to remind her, that I told her what relationship I have with my sister, she is the only living relative I have (besides my kid). I pointed out, that it would be stupid to ask her opinion on something I told her before might happen anyway.

Now she calls me an a**hole for acting like it is not her home, for not asking if she is okay with someone else staying in our home. (Technically on our land, separate building.). AITA?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Global_Look2821 −  Your gf of a year is not on the deed to your house I assume? So the home is *yours*- she has no rights of ownership. And she knew the arrangement w your sister well beforehand. Gf is pretty e**itled to act like she actually has a say.

You never gave her any decisional capacity when it comes to housing your sister. Gfs behavior does not bode well for your longterm relationship w her.. NTA.

hadMcDofordinner −  Just because you told her about this situation some time ago, for the last year, there was no hint that your sister was going to move in so a heads. up would have been nice. It’s your home, you own it, but you are a couple living in it. so you should have told her as soon as you knew your sister. was going to move back in.. Soft YTA

Ancient_Cheesecake_5 −  When you live with someone, especially with kids, you should at the very least discuss the situation.

neophenx −  If this was sprung onto someone living with you without notice, that would absolutely be an AH move, but this sounds different. I’m picking up that she was told when, or before, she moved in, that there was a chance that your sister might need to move in or stay with you at some point.

So since she’s been given that heads up, she had her chance to disagree with it already, so NTA.

ZealousidealRock6065 −  You are neither AS or NTA. If you want a healthy relationship, communicate with her. You don’t have to ask her for permission, but if you treat this as “your house” will it ever really be “our home”?

Just explain the situation to her and let her know how important it is to you to continue supporting your sister in this way, while holding boundaries necessary for your relationship (I.e sister can’t come in unannounced etc). 

Sure you own the home but you’ve got kids, you share a life together. So is your mindset to go through life together or apart? It doesn’t take much to talk things through, and you can be firm in your decision, but she should feel like she’s part of it at the least. You seem reasonable and kind hearted. Apologize for not discussing with her and move on. 

Rdutb-23 −  If you and your GF are living together then you should really talk to her about things. decisions should be made together… so YTA. I get that you warned her this may happen but you should have FYId/discussed before it actually happened. You should be partners.

CarlosFer2201 −  It might be n**cissism (I am no psychologist though) and I am the “flying monkey. The term you’re looking for is “enabler”, and you certainly are one. Flying monkey is when you send a separate person to harrass others.

CanUFeelItMrKrabs −  YTA for enabling your sister’s behavior instead of encouraging her to grow up and go to therapy. And a brief conversation explaining the situation to your girlfriend (instead of blindsiding her before your sister moved in) was the absolute least you could do.

zombiescoobydoo −  Yta. You’re a huge enabler. Let your sister fall on her face. She NEEDS it. It’s not until you hit rock bottom that you can start climbing up. I’ve been there done that. Got to the point that I was afraid of myself bc I didn’t know if I could fight the urges anymore.

I had destroyed friendships and ONLY had a job bc we were too shortstaffed to fire me at the time. It woke me up and I IMMEDIATELY went get help. I’m off my meds now due to money but being self aware helps SO MUCH! Then yes your gf who LIVES THERE should have a say in who can move in especially when it’s your l**er sister. I hope the gf leaves you. She deserves better.

adiah54 −  YTA. You live with your girlfriend, and it may be your house(I know it is), but it would be common courtesy to ask the woman you live with her opinion. For me it would be a deal breaker if I was not asked anything and be represented a fait accompli.

Is it fair for Jeff to assume his girlfriend would be okay with this arrangement given their past conversations? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!