AITA for not apologizing for something I forgot I did?
A Reddit user shared their dilemma about refusing to apologize for PDA they don’t remember doing as a teenager due to memory loss. After asking friends to tone down their NSFW PDA, one friend accused the user of hypocrisy, demanding an apology for similar behavior in high school. The user feels it’s disingenuous to apologize for something they can’t recall, but the friend’s frustration persists. Read the full story below to see if the user’s stance is justified.
‘ AITA for not apologizing for something I forgot I did?’
I (24F) have been with my partner (26M) since we were in highschool. At the time we met, I was going through a lot at home that led to some pretty intense memory repression and I can often only recall anything prior to turning 18 through photographs. Because of this, people need to remind me things I said or did all the time, so all my friends are aware of my memory loss during school and have been since it happened.
Recently, a couple friends in my social circle (27M and 29F) started dating and began putting on grand displays of affection with the rest of us. I didn’t mind at all until things began to get NSFW. We couldn’t even go to the movies without an uncomfortable comment being made every 10 minutes towards each other.
I finally asked them to tone it down, that it made me uncomfortable to hear the details like that and I don’t want to know about that personal aspect of their relationship. The boyfriend went off on me on a long rant that I was being a h**ocrite for telling them they couldn’t do PDA.
I was confused, and asked what he meant, needing a memory refresher. He told me that when I was 15, I often did PDA with my boyfriend with the rest of the group there. When I asked if it was NSFW, he said it wasn’t, but the type of PDA didn’t matter, because I was still telling him to stop when I did the same thing.
While I didn’t agree with that, I told him I couldn’t change the past, but I was an immature kid and we’re all adults now. He told me he wouldn’t stop unless I apologized for the PDA I did back in highschool. This is where we reached an impasse, because I refused to apologize.
I told him that I didn’t remember any of that, and I refused to apologize for something I had no memory of, because it would be disingenuous and only what he wanted to hear. I did say I was sorry I forgot, but I didn’t remember what I would be apologizing for so I wasn’t going to do it. I offered a different way to make it up to him in the present, but he refused.
He got angry at me and walked off, and the uncomfortable NSFW PDA has continued on despite my clear discomfort. He does know I’m uncomfortable, because he teases me about it often, but they don’t stop.
I asked my boyfriend, and he did confirm we used to have some level of PDA, but it wasn’t to the extreme and as uncomfortably sensual as our friends are doing every time we hang out together. I still won’t apologize though, I truly don’t think it’s right to do when I don’t remember exactly what the apology is for.
I’m frustrated I forgot the details and that it seemed to upset my friends without me knowing it. I don’t think I’m in the wrong here, but he’s still upset nevertheless. AITA for refusing to apologize for the public display of affection I did in the past because I forgot I did it?.
Here’s how people reacted to the post:
GoreGoddezz − NTA. Its ridiculous to expect an adult to apologize for a normal teenage action. Most teens don’t realize how PDA can make other people feel, and they don’t always realize how much PDA is to much. You were acting like a kid bc at the time you were a kid. You also, as you said, are an adult now and have a different mindset. Tbh, you should stop being friends with people that have that type of mindset.
Fluffy-Factor1510 − So a 27 yo is comparing himself to a 15 yo? lol he’s just a childish self centered i**ot with no respect. NTA as u said you’re no longer a teenager, you’re all mature now and he probably should start acting like it
jonjohn23456 − NTA in this instance, but just because what you did does not deserve an apology. But I disagree with the main part of your argument which seems to be that since you don’t remember it you don’t need to apologize. That is simply not true in instances where your actions caused genuine hurt.
I hope that if a friend brings up an instance where you did something that was genuinely hurtful you would be able to apologize for it even if you “don’t remember.”
AndromedaZ − I’ll offer a perspective from someone with DID. Then, I’ll offer my judgment. They are separate. Firstly, it’s s**tty to think you don’t have to apologize because you don’t remember doing something and that will lose you friends.
From your perspective, maybe some part of you remembers doing that, but it isn’t you, and they aren’t here to apologize, so that seems fair. However, from the perspective of an outsider, even one that knows you have some form of psychological amnesia, you all share one meat suit and you hurt them.
So, do the right thing for your friends and your friendships with them and apologize when one is deserved. Now, onto this scenario. An apology isn’t deserved here. You were slightly obnoxious teenagers. They are disgusting adults. That is different. For that reason,. NTA
OldGmaw2023 − Stop associating with people that treat you badly. Just because they are friend of friends. You are a adult = you control who you associate with if they make you uncomfortable Stop going around them ..
imemine8 − Nta. From now on, I would start cheering them on. If they start saying personal s** stuff, I would act like I was into it and even ask questions like “oh does she get really wet?!” Or “how many ounces did you come?”. If they are doing Too much pda, stare at them and maybe even make comments like “sweet” or “how hard/wet are you right now? I know I am!”
Content-Plenty-268 − Let’s unpack this. You are NTA, your friend is. The level of PDA between 15-year-olds and what you describe your friends engaging in very much does matter. Your friend is g**lighting you by insisting that it’s the same thing. It’s not. You are not being a h**ocrite here.
More important, this is absolutely nothing to apologize for. Your teenage PDA from years ago didn’t and doesn’t affect him in any way and didn’t cause anyone any harm or hurt, hence it’s not an offense and doesn’t require an apology.
That being said, if you grievously hurt someone’s feelings and they call you out on that, having no recollection of saying or doing the hurtful thing does not absolve you of owning what you did to them. This is not that case. This guy doesn’t sound like someone you want to hang out with so much, for a number of reasons.
Misty2484 − NTA for not apologizing because you didn’t do anything that warranted an apology. A grown man comparing his behavior to a 15 year old is ridiculous anyway. That being said, not being able to remember something doesn’t mean you don’t owe an apology for your actions. Lots of people do terrible things they can’t remember and should still not only apologize but feel badly for doing something harmful, whether they remember it or not.
chocobocho − INFO: is your friend only doing pda around you and bf, or in front of the whole friend group? *Are* others as uncomfortable as you? Maybe next time the do their pda, make it a blanket group apology that also calls out this guy.
“Wow, guys. If me and bf were this bad back in high school, I really apologize for being so inappropriate. I had no idea it was so uncomfortable for everyone.” All while staring at the pda in disbelief.
Ocelotstar − NTA. PDAs when you’re 15 are annoying but typical teenage behaviour. We’ve all done it. As adults and as sensual as it’s being described is not okay….. good on you for refusing to apologise for the sake of apologising because the boyfriends picked an odd hill to die on
Was the user right to refuse an apology for something they don’t remember, or should they have apologized to ease the tension? How would you handle a situation involving past mistakes and current boundaries? Share your perspective in the comments below!