AITA for not allowing my now gay ex-boyfriend to my birthday party? ?

A Redditor shares the turmoil surrounding her upcoming 21st birthday party. After her ex-boyfriend, who recently came out as gay, started dating her younger brother, she decided not to invite him to her party, causing a rift with her family.

They support the relationship, but she finds it unsettling, especially given the family’s close involvement in planning the party. Read the story below and decide if you think she’s justified in standing her ground or if her family’s reactions have a point.

‘ AITA for not allowing my now gay ex-boyfriend to my birthday party? ?’

I (F20) am turning 21 on Monday and I have had a party that I have been planning since my 20th. I have never really had big birthday parties even though it is something I’ve always wanted because growing up my family were really poor.

I started working just before my 20th birthday and have been saving up for a huge party this year. Probably not the best financial move, but it’s something I’ve always wanted, but I rented a venue, hired entertainment, got a company in to do drinks, etc.

I started dating “Richard” (can anyone guess why I chose this alias?) when I was 18, he was two years older than me but he was in my course at university. Richard was my first boyfriend and after only a few months he basically moved into my parents’ place with me.

We moved into our own place just after my 20th, which I paid for because Richard has never had a job. My parents and family really love Richard, like a lot. So when Richard broke up with me he moved back in with \*my parents.\* This was about 6 months ago.

Very soon after we broke up Richard announced that he was dating my little brother Jude. Jude had this point had just turned 16 a few weeks before. This made me feel incredibly sick.

I thought it was disgusting and I had thought that my parents would also be disgusted and kick him out, completely cut him out of their lives, etc. but no. They supported the relationship.

Whenever I brought up how weird it was they would shut me down basically calling me h**ophobic, saying there’s nothing wrong with it because Jude is above the age of consent, how I am just sore or jealous. I ended up calling Richard a nonce and my family kicked me out the house for ‘causing an argument’.

I have avoided being around Richard as much as possible since then, which makes me really sad because I was \*so close\* to Jude before all this happened, he would often come to stay over at my place, we would go out together all the time but since he’s started dating Richard it’s like he’s cut me out.

Everyone in my family has been really excited for my party, because everyone has been involved with planning it. But yesterday I sent a message in the family group chat (maybe not the best place to say it idk) that Richard is not allowed at the party and if he attempts to come I will call the police. I do not want him there and I do not want to see him.

This is, yes, partly because he is my ex. But mainly he just makes me sick. I don’t understand how my family is okay with him being around them. My parents and Jude said if Richard is not invited none of them will be attending, they called me s**fish and jealous.

And Jude has sent me non-stop horrid messages calling me every name under the sun. As the argument escalated, Jude called me s**fish for putting my feelings above the family’s as a whole. He said I was making a “spectacle” out of the whole situation and that he didn’t understand why I was so “hung up on Richard.” 

tried explaining that it wasn’t just about him being my ex but about how I found their relationship unsettling on multiple levels. But Jude wasn’t having any of it. He kept saying things like, “Get over yourself” and “You’re just bitter because he left you.” His words really hit me hard.

I didn’t know Jude saw me this way, and hearing him say it out loud was like a punch to the gut. All I could think was, *maybe I am overreacting,* maybe he’s right, and I’m letting my own unresolved feelings cloud everything.

I was hoping he’d at least try to understand where I was coming from, especially since we were so close before. But now it felt like I was the outsider, like I was the one tearing the family apart. The worst part is, I really do feel guilty.

I feel like I’m forcing my family to choose between me and someone they care about, even if it’s my ex. I keep wondering if this is all my fault – if I could’ve handled things differently. Now, instead of looking forward to my birthday, I’m dreading it.

I wanted this party to be something joyful, but with everything hanging over it, I’m left questioning if it’s even worth it. I don’t want to hurt anyone, especially Jude, but I also feel like I can’t just ignore how uncomfortable I am. I’m honestly so torn.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

DazzlingPumpkin9400 −  Umm wtf. It sounds like Jude was groomed by Richard. And considering they got together so soon after he reached the age of consent I’m guessing they likely were in a secret relationship before that.. That is so gross and no NTA

BeachinLife1 −  Ok, first of all, saving up for a party is not a bad financial move. You literally set aside extra money for this. That is a responsible way to have a party. A bad financial move would be taking out a bunch of DEBT for a party.. That being said, Them: If Richard can’t be there, we are not coming either!!!1!!.

You: Fine with me! Do NOT cave in. This is a hill I would die on. Richard is a 23 year old man who was grooming a 15 year old boy (and let’s get real, you know he was) and made their “big announcement” after he turned 16. And your parents are going along with it.

I would not want **any of them** in my life. Your brother is going to be in therapy for life by the time he “ages out” of his pedo’s age preference.

Beneficial-Ball8375 −  excuse me, whaaaaat? Your parents declaring to NOT come to your birthday party bc your own ex, who dumped you for your MINOR brother is not allowed there? Sorry, but if that is NOT fake, then please, for the love of god, reveal to me in which crazy as nuts cult y’all been living.

AdWaste3417 −  I would anonymously inform “Richard’s” college and/or workplace that he is dating a child. Have your party with just your friends and the people that actually care about you. Your family is sick.

ThatWhichLurks782 −  NTA Richard is a predator and should be treated as such.

Sunny_Hill_1 −  NTA, and also yeah, a 20 y.o. college student with a 16 y.o. high schooler IS a very icky situation, what are your parents thinking?

CocoaAlmondsRock −  NTA. Their relationship is creepy. If your family doesn’t want to attend, say “Sorry you won’t be there. I’ll miss you!” and then HAVE YOUR PARTY. If they try to light you up on social media, block them and let them reveal their character to the world themselves.

You be nothing but gracious! Don’t waver!! I hope your party is FABULOUS. Don’t let this bring you down. Have soooo much fun, take tons of pictures, and share them widely. Do NOT let toxic people steal your joy.

mononokegirl_ −  Richard groomed Jude and your parents are idiots. NTA

Madmattylock −  NTA. Your family is a group of AHs and pedo enablers.  Guarantee he started diddling your brother when all of you were in your parents’ house. Disinvite all  those sickos and enjoy your 21st.

mekonsrevenge −  Spoiler: He’s banging your parents too. But seriously, sounds like grooming to me.

Do you think the Redditor’s discomfort is justified, or is she letting personal feelings cloud her judgment about family unity? How would you handle inviting family members when complicated dynamics are at play? Share your thoughts below!