AITA for not allowing my mom with cancer to live with me?

A 27-year-old woman refused to let her mother with cancer move in, citing a strained history and concerns about her mother’s unhealthy habits and lack of self-sufficiency. Growing up, the woman and her brother took on all household responsibilities and financial burdens due to their mother’s neglect.

Now, with her mother unable to work and needing care, she asked to move in, but the woman declined, knowing it would likely become a permanent arrangement. Family members are criticizing her decision as heartless. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for not allowing my mom with cancer to live with me?’

I (27F) was asked by my mom (57F) to move in with me because she has cancer and cannot work because of it. I said no. My mom and I have a bit of a tense relationship because growing up, as soon as I was able to do a chore, she stopped doing it.

Meaning me and my brother (29m) had to do everything in the house by age of 10. That’s all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. if we didn’t do it, it didn’t get done. She also does things that are very detrimental to her health, like smoking 3 packs of cigarettes per day and not taking care of her diabetes.

Everyone around her told her to stop, including doctors, but she wouldn’t. And once we got old enough to work, we paid a bulk of the bills. I went away to college at 18 and came back for the summer. It was unbearable. It was back to the same thing, I did everything. But she was so hard to live with.

She was so loud without a care of anyone in the house. I moved out right after. Throughout the years, she neglected her health to the point where she couldn’t work because she would n**lect her diabetes, wouldn’t work to lose weight, wouldn’t stop smoking.

She’d miss so many days she couldn’t pay her bills and would rely on us to catch her up. When we moved out, she just never picked up any slack. Now she has cancer very likely due to her choices. She can’t work. She needs a place to go. She asked my brother, he said no because he has a baby.

So she asked me, and I said no. If I say yes, it will affect my partner I own a house with. We have 2 bedrooms but no space for her. It would be miserable for both of us. But I also know she won’t change. And if she goes into remission, she still won’t leave.

Taking her in now means taking her in for life and I am not ok with that. Family heard I said no and they came at me saying I was heartless and abandoned my mom. Living with her after I left for college was a major burden on my mental health. If I take her in, she will never leave.

And I don’t want to have to evict my mom. She won’t take any steps to help herself, even when we do most of the work. She will never support herself again because she knows someone else will do it. AITA for not taking in my mother with cancer?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

latents −  Family heard I said no and they came at me saying I was heartless and abandoned my mom. Perfect. Volunteers! Tell them that you think it’s wonderfully kind of them to take her in and you can’t wait to tell her since she will be so happy. NTA for recognizing what you can handle and accepting reality instead of deluding yourself.

LTK622 −  Which would you prefer? Have some family bad-mouth you for a few decades, or have your mother ruin your life until she dies?

nicold_shoulder −  NTA – Tell any family who suggests you are abandoning your mom that they are welcome to take her in. I’ve heard that being a care-giver is one of the hardest jobs out there.

It is emotionally draining and physically exhausting, you’d probably have to quit your job. If you’re not emotionally in it you won’t be a good care giver to your mom, and you’d be an AH to yourself and partner. It is okay to prioritize your mental health.

almalauha −  NTA . Was ready to tear you a new one, but with all the relevant info, you are 100% right to not take her in. Your family who are calling you heartless should be taking her in.

If they ask you, again, why you are not taking her in or giving you sh\*t for not taking her in: “If you feel this strongly about family having to take her in, I assume you will take her in, then? I’ll let her know she can move in with you guys!”

She has never been a mother to you and your siblings because that stuff doesn’t stop as soon as a child can do laundry or sweep the floor. She has lived a very unhealthy lifestyle and refused to make any changes and is still refusing to make changes despite being very ill.

She will NEVER change. Smoking is 100% a dealbreaker for me. I will not live with someone who smokes no matter if they only smoke outside or they only vape. Second-hand and third-hand smoke is harmful besides just being n**ty. You don’t have to put up with that for anyone.

And if she’s lucky and survives for another ten or twenty years, she will remain dependent on you. It will cost you your mental health, your money, and your relationship. She can go to the local government and ask for help, maybe they have a small council flat they can put her in.

CeramicSavage −  Nta. Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

MoonSimpArt −  no matter what anyone says do not take her in because i promise you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. it’ll break you, your relationship, and your mental health forever. i do not care if they say you’re selfish. you did everything for her when you lived with her and she got herself here.

she gave herself cancer. this wasn’t a sad accident or just one of those things where some people get it even if they’re healthy, she deliberately neglected her health for decades and this is no one’s fault but her own. do not take her in. NTA

No_Nobody2274 −  NTA you’re smart and right. If you take her now, she will never leave one way or another. And, you’re not required to take her in. Call her insurance and see about some home health aids.

Firm-Molasses-4913 −  Wherever she is receiving treatment get in touch with their social worker and give them the lowdown. They should know she has nowhere to be discharged etc so they can start working on a plan before she’s actually out on the street.

Whatever government resources are available they will know.  NTA you seem to have a realistic grasp of the situation short and long term. She sounds awful. Don’t mince words with her, extended family or the social worker. They may not want to hear it but they all know it’s true

RoswellRedux −  NTA. The others are yelling at you b/c they don’t want anything to do with her either and think guilt will work. Don’t let it. You and your brother raised yourselves, and even paid her bills once you had jobs.

She didn’t want to take care of her own kids, putting the household burdens on you and your brother. It was basically abuse by n**lect. She should talk to the a counselor at her oncology clinic or hospital about having social services help her find a place to stay while she goes though her treatment, or hospice if it’s really bad.

Hospitals have social service networks available to help people with options. There may not be many, but throwing her living situation in the lap of kids she abused is asking too much. It’s too bad she’s created this dynamic, but she created it on her own, dismissing all of the concerns of her entire family all these years.

Quiet_Village_1425 −  NTA. You reap what you sow. She can go to the relatives who are bashing you for not taking her in. If you had an actual relationship with her it might be different. Sounds like she was a lazy mom who used her kids to the point where you kinda hate her and now she wants you to do it all again. Nope!

Is she justified in setting boundaries, or should she prioritize her mother’s needs despite the history? Share your perspective and experiences below!