AITA for not ageeing with my boyfriend that he “helped”?

A Redditor shared an experience where she asked her boyfriend for help picking up heavy university books, but the situation didn’t go as planned. Although he insisted on helping, the interaction felt rushed and unhelpful. He dropped her near the pickup spot, didn’t spend quality time with her as she’d hoped, and focused on work.

Later, when he sought acknowledgment for helping, she hesitated to agree fully, which upset him. Now she’s questioning if she was in the wrong for not expressing gratitude more explicitly. Read the original story below.

‘ AITA for not ageeing with my boyfriend that he “helped”?’

Today, I went to pick up eight university books. I had planned to do it alone, bringing everything I’d need to carry them home by bus. On the way, my friend mentioned how heavy the books were when she picked them up the other day and suggested I ask my boyfriend for help, since he has a car.

I told her the street is busy, and he’s a medical rep, often on the go. But after her suggestion, I decided to ask him anyway. I arrived with 30 minutes to spare, so I called him. I explained that it’d be great if he could help, but only if it was convenient for both of us,

or if we could grab a beverage before or after work since I hadn’t seen him in a week. Otherwise no problem, I was planning to do it alone anyways. He insisted on helping, so we agreed I’d call when I was ready.

Once I called, he picked me up basically from the bus stop I would wait at to take my bus and took us to a parking lot a minute away where they valet-parked his car. Half the books were in my backpack, and the rest were in a bag, so I grabbed only my phone and wallet, assuming we’d spend some time together.

When I asked if I needed anything else, he told me to hurry so the valet could park the car. We walked for a bit, and then he asked, “So, what are you going to do now?” Surprised, I said, “I thought we’d hang out, so I just brought my phone and wallet.”

He replied that he had to work so I said I’d just browse some shops, since I don’t have my keys to go home and study. I followed for a bit until he reached the first doctor he would visit After saying goodbye, I wandered around for a couple of hours, hoping we’d meet up afterward.

At 7, he called, saying he’d just finished work, so I suggested we go for a beverage. He said he thought it 8 and that he will continue working after all. We met at the parking lot, and he drove me home, but he didn’t come up to stay since he had gym at 9.

At this point, I was a bit sad that I didn’t get to spend much time with him and I didn’tget to study, though I wasn’t mad—just a miscommunication. We brought the books upstairs, and when we got outside again, we hugged, kissed and I told him I missed him. He replied, “But hey, I helped you!”.

I didn’t respond immediately, and not wanting to sound negative, I said, “I’m just glad I got to see you a bit!.” He pressed, “Didn’t I help?” I repeated myself. He got upset and frustrated, saying my response made him feel unappreciated, and that he just wanted to help.

I thanked for the effort, but he seemed hurt, said goodbye, and drove off pretty much. Am I the a**hole for not explicitly saying he helped? I feel like it would be lying, what happened didn’t feel helpful at all. He seemed really upset, and he doesn’t often help, so I feel he might be even less inclined to in the future.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

GeneralOddities −  I’m struggling to follow. This trip to bring books home, which would’ve taken you, what, an hour? Turned into *several hours* of you waiting around for him to be done with work so you could access your items from his car and go home?

That’s inefficient and he certainly didn’t help. He was not considerate of your time. I am genuinely wondering what went through this man’s head.. NTA.

twilightmia −  NAH. Sounds like a mix-up in expectations. You approached it openly and didn’t expect him to rearrange his day, and he genuinely wanted to show up for you, even if his schedule ended up limiting things.

While you might not have felt super helped, he probably felt he was offering what he could in the moment and just hoped to be acknowledged for it.

SingleAlfredoFemale −  INFO: after you dropped the books in his car, and he went to work, why didn’t you just take the bus home as originally planned (but without the books)? Then just get them later when he has time to hang out.

MighendraTheWanderer −  NAH, but lesson learned, hopefully. ALWAYS carry your house keys with you, you never know when you may need them. ALWAYS clarify your expectations of someone else, what you think you said might not be what they heard.

Finally, ALWAYS fully communicate with your partner. He thought he helped. Instead of side stepping his ‘didn’t i help’, you should have explained why you were upset and had the conversation with him then.

shadow-foxe −  NAH- you didn’t ask what his plans were after the books were picked up, you assumed. He also did not take the time to tell you what he planned. Yes, he did help in some ways but not in others. Time to sit down and talk to him about this.

EmilyAnne1170 −  Not sure how to judge this one… it sounds like a miscommunication, and after struggling to understand clearly what even happened here, I can see why. I can’t tell if he’s deliberately being unhelpful, or if you just did a really bad job of explaining what you wanted from him. (Or possibly both.)

t sounds like he thought the main thing was to get the books from Point A to Point B without you having to carry heavy stuff on the bus. And mission accomplished. It sounds like you thought the main thing was for the two of you to spend time together. and you’re disappointed that didn’t happen.

Maybe he’s being dense for not understanding what you REALLY wanted rather than what you SAID you wanted, maybe it should’ve been obvious. Or maybe not, I don’t know.

But I do know from many years of experience that people who don’t communicate what they really want and then are disappointed with you even though you did exactly what they actually asked you to, and on top of that they won’t even tell you why? Those people are exhausting to deal with.

Now you’re BOTH disappointed. (and “upset, frustrated, unappreciated…”) So maybe rethink your communication style. Also for future reference- always keep your keys with you whenever you’re not home. They’re just as important as your wallet & phone.

Hareikan −  NTA but was there any reason you couldn’t have said “Oh then I need to get my books and keys out of the car”, and gone back to the car? I have no experience with valet-parking but surely you should be able to double back for items you may have forgotten.

Familiar-Weekend-511 −  NAH, just miscommunication. When you asked him for help with the books, your priority was really getting to see him, not necessarily getting help with the books (since you could do it on your own anyway).

When you asked him for help with the books, his priority was to assist you with the books, not necessarily spending time with you. So from your point of view, he didn’t really help you because you could have done the task by yourself more efficiently, and you only asked him for help bc you wanted to hang out.

From his point of view, he went out of his way to help you with these books by picking you and the books up, and now he’s confused because you’re telling him he didn’t help at all. People are getting real heated in these comments about this very mild disagreement lol.

I don’t think you or your bf is being “m**ipulative” you’re just people having feelings😭 This disagreement is actually very wholesome from my POV: he really wanted to help you and you really wanted to spend time with him, and you’re only in a disagreement about the day bc of mismatched (good) intentions.

Massive-Song-7486 −  Why u guys did Not Talk in the car on ur First way what ur going to do

NYDancer4444 −  He did help you. The problem is that you made assumptions and had expectations, but you didn’t communicate well at all.

A young woman carrying heavy books in a busy urban setting, looking a bit disappointed, while her boyfriend stands nearby with his car keys, appearing distracted. The setting includes a bus stop and storefronts, emphasizing the bustling city vibe. The atmosphere shows miscommunication and emotional tension between them.