AITA for no longer welcoming my mother in law in my home?

A Reddit user recounted a painful incident during Thanksgiving when their mother-in-law (MIL) called their autistic teenage son “weird” in a straightforward and non-joking manner. As this crossed a firm boundary about respecting their child in his safe space, the user decided MIL was no longer welcome in their home.

Although the husband argued for a second chance, the user prioritized protecting their son over maintaining a relationship with MIL. Read the full story below for more context.

‘ AITA for no longer welcoming my mother in law in my home?’

I’ve watched my in laws (mother in law, sister in law, sister in law husband, etc) talk trash about their family for years (including her autistic grandson who is now an adult). I usually say it’s not appropriate or walk away or don’t engage in the conversation.

I’ve told my husband many times if she ever speaks that way about our family, she will not be welcome around us anymore. She’s at our house for Thanksgiving. She lives multiple states away and we only see her once or twice a year although she’s been discussing purchasing a house near us.

My son is a teenager and autistic. She is well aware he is on the spectrum. My son was in the basement running on the treadmill talking to himself loud enough for us to hear (which isn’t super loud because the stairwell from basement to where we are is open space).

Mother in law said “what is he doing?” I replied “talking to himself.” She said “why?” I said “because it makes him feel good.” She says “he’s weird.” No joking, no jest. Very straight forward. I told her she’s weird and walked off. I went upstairs shaking and told my husband what happened and that she is no longer welcome in my son’s home.

This is his safe space. He masks and keeps it together outside of these four walls all day every day. If he wants to talk to himself in his own home, he should not be subjected to judgment. Also, if she feels comfortable enough saying this to my face, what is she saying behind his back? My husband said he would talk to her.

I told him to ask her to leave tomorrow (it is dark and she doesn’t drive in the dark so she can’t leave today). He went and talked to her and came back up and said she realized what she’s done is wrong by and is sorry and won’t do it again.

He said that no one has ever called her on it before and she didn’t know it was a problem before and we shouldn’t just cut her off and give her another chance (this is false, every time she’s said inappropriate things about other family members I have told her it isn’t ok).

The fact that an adult has to be told it’s not ok to call an autistic child weird is pretty wild. I want to protect my children from her. My husband is now insisting we discuss this right now and that I be willing to work through this and not just cut her off (which I am not – I am saying she’s not do welcome in my home).

Teaching her manners is not my responsibility. My son’s well being is my responsibility. If she wants to work on herself, come back later to apologize, and demonstrate she won’t say things like that again, I will be happy to welcome her back. But until then, she is not welcome in my house. AITA for no longer welcoming her in my home?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Aware_Welcome_8866 −  You are between a rock and a hard place. You won’t accept your MIL being in your home, your husband won’t accept your MIL being banned. I wonder if it would be helpful to give your MIL some resources about autism.

I’m a teacher for an ASD classroom and actually have some resources that might help. The other idea is to have your son tell her what it’s like to have autism. I don’t want to judge your post. I do think this black and white take you have on the situation is going to cause resentment. I think you have to find the gray.

You are well within your rights to tell your MIL she will not be welcome in your home if anything like this happens again. While you’re at it, tell her to quit talking sht about the rest of the family.

I can’t decide if she’s mean or incredibly obtuse. I am really sorry you’re in this position. I’m all on the side of you and your son. I just don’t know if your husband will ever get there.

Viva_Veracity1906 −  Go talk. You’re the judge, she’s the accused, he’s her crappy court appointed lawyer. Lay it out. Bring receipts. Make it deeply uncomfortable.

Emphasize that this is the final warning and one more single trash comment will result in a ban as this is your son’s safe space and her nastiness does not reflect your values. With any luck she’ll feel so called out and closely watched she’ll leave on her own. NTA

Beck2010 −  You do know your MIL didn’t admit to being wrong, yes? Your husband told you what you wanted/needed to hear and he only told her to not say things aloud in your presence.

I, of course, am guessing here – but if she and the other ILs regularly bash people she sees nothing wrong with her actions. NTA. But I fear you have a slight husband problem.

A-Strange-Peg −  NTA, a parent’s primary job is to protect their kid. Too bad your husband forgot that.

Firm-Molasses-4913 −  Hmmm it sounds like she is willing to have a conversation and apologize so tell husband you’re willing to have that conversation with her, not through him. See what she has to say. If you’re to the point of kicking her out you have nothing to lose by having the conversation.

Don’t let husband speak for her. Hear her out. Is she sincere? Is she intolerant? I think you will make a lot of progress with your husband if she proves herself an ass OR if she sincerely apologizes and shows some humility. Good luck 

SmaugTheHedgehog −  INFO. Is your son also your husband’s son? Why is he so ok with his mom treating his own son like that? Why is your husband not the first in line to defend his son? It sounds more like a husband problem than a MIL problem.

Hushes −  NTA. You drew a line, and your MIL crossed it. You told your husband long ago that this was happening. Either he didn’t believe you or he thought he could talk you out of it. He still doesn’t realize your kid comes first. Those aren’t just words.

There is meaning behind it that requires action, which means your MIL gets out of your house in the morning. He should be thankful that you aren’t insisting on right now 😈

needsmorecoffee −  NTA and why on earth is your husband not also defending your son?? (Also his son? Or at least stepson?) Why would he let his mother do that? That is NOT okay.

unconfirmedpanda −  NTA. As an autistic kid, I dealt with this exact s**t from extended family with a mother who was bullied and abused to complying with their behaviour and a father that joined in.

***Thank you*** for protecting your son’s safe space. Thank you for not treating his stims like a freakshow. Thank you for seeing that your MIL is a b**ly. But please know that your husband is an enabler, and allowing this b**lying to continue without consequence.

Your husband has faked that apology. Your MIL is going to make dozens of excuses. You gave your husband the consequence that if she made a comment, she would no longer be welcome. You need to enforce it or she’s just going to get worse and he’s just going to keep ignoring you.

You can sit down and talk with her, but the end result has to be that she has to leave immediately. Give her a time-out until the new year so she can learn that it’s unacceptable. Three strikes and she’s out for life.

Please, please reinforce these boundaries. Your son will always remember the comments, but he will also remember that *you*. protected him and kept his safe space safe.

AwkwardDorkyNerd −  NTA. She’s been called out by you multiple times before, and from what it sounds like she never tried to adjust her behavior, better herself, or even apologize for being rude and talking trash about others.

The fact that she has only now apologized for the first time after being threatened to not be allowed into your home anymore shows that she is not sorry for what she’s doing, she’s sorry that she’s getting consequences for her actions.

And you are right, if she’s willing to openly take a jab at your son **to your face**, what else is she saying about him and the rest of you behind your backs?

Also, for those saying she deserves one more chance before being banned from the house, I disagree for the aforementioned of she’s been called out and given chances before, but she kept going and crossed the line.

And besides, from my understanding of the post, OP doesn’t sound like she’s going NC on the MIL, just not letting her be a negative presence in her son’s safe space. So the MIL *still* has chances to learn, change, and improve, just not at OP’s place.

Do you think the Redditor’s firm stance was the right choice to protect their child, or was it too harsh given the MIL’s apology? How would you balance family relationships with safeguarding a loved one’s emotional well-being? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below!