AITA for my girlfriend not getting into the school she wanted?

A Reddit user shares a difficult situation with his girlfriend, a non-traditional college student, who struggled with applying to prestigious schools due to anxiety and self-doubt. Despite the user’s attempts to console and help with her application process, his girlfriend now blames him for not being supportive enough.

She’s now at a local public university, unhappy with her decision, and questions whether their relationship can recover. The user is unsure whether he was in the wrong and is seeking judgment on how he could have better supported her. Read the original story below to dive into the details.

‘ AITA for my girlfriend not getting into the school she wanted?’

My girlfriend is a non-traditional college student. She completed her associate’s last spring with a very high GPA and meant to apply to some prestigious schools. Whenever she started working on her applications, though, she would panic and shut down. She ended up missing all of her deadlines; she did complete her application for one Ivy League school, but didn’t submit it at the last moment, saying it was embarrassing and that she had no place there.

I didn’t know what to do in these moments, to be honest, but I am sure what I did wasn’t right. She would really shut down and pull into herself, going into a thousand yard stare or breaking down in tears. I tried consoling her, but I can’t remember a time it worked. I read over her application essays and made suggestions, but she would get defensive and reject them. I’m a pretty bad writer and she’s a very good one, so that was likely the right call.

Now she’s at a local public university and in tears every day because she finds it isn’t the right fit. She blames me and tells me I didn’t help enough, that she never felt supported through the process. I asked how I could have helped, and she called me an a**hole, saying she didn’t know “how to explain how to help people.” She says she doesn’t know if she can forgive me for this.

I am willing to accept I’m the a**hole and I’m what’s holding her back, but I legitimately don’t know what I should have done. How does one help an adult shutting down? What was I supposed to do in this situation? I honestly feel terrible, and having no idea what my proper role should have been just makes it worse.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

salvatore067892 −  NTA It doesn’t sound like it was your fault at all. If she knew you didn’t have the capacity to help her through it then she should’ve sought out help elsewhere, there’s definitely more qualified people out there who could’ve helped her that she could’ve found & asked.

You are her boyfriend, not an admission coach and yes as her boyfriend you’re there to help her through everything in life, but she seriously cannot put this on you. You did what most people would’ve done, the only thing you could’ve done differently maybe is to advise her to seek professional help from a coach but surely she should’ve thought about that herself?

I understand her sadness and frustration at how things turned out but it’s not ur fault and maybe she could transfer next year?

TwinkleFey −  NTA. This woman does not belong in a pressure cooker school. She needs to talk to a therapist to figure out her own stuff and stop blaming you for her shortcomings. You deserve better.

Apart-Ad-6518 −  NTA. She blames me and tells me I didn’t help enough, that she never felt supported through the process. I asked *how I could have helped*, and she called me an a**hole. That was a very valid question & it’s telling she didn’t have an answer.

Your gf needs to work on/maybe get professional support re the processes that stopped her applying to the schools she wanted. I am willing to accept I’m the a**hole and I’m what’s holding her back. I’m reiterating strongly that you *aren’t* on either front. It sounds like you did all you could.. Please stop blaming yourself.

Several-Ant-8701 −  NTA. It’s clear your girlfriend needs some mental health help. She seems to have anxiety & depression. Her behaviour reminds me of me at her age. I’m not sure there is actually anything you can do to help her until she gets some counselling.

Active-Anteater1884 −  Buddy, you are absolutely NOT the AH. NTA. Your girlfriend abdicated responsibility for her own life and, when things didn’t turn out as she’d wished, started casting blame on you. This is utterly unfair. And, IMHO, it’s a reason to rethink the relationship. What could you have done? Not a damn thing more than you did. PLEASE stop blaming yourself for this.

Ireland1169 −  NTA. There is nothing you can/could do to help her, she needs psychiatric help. She is sabotaging herself and then blaming you/others for her inaction. Unasked for relationship advice: Run.

Boo-Boo97 −  Holy crap OP, I’m reading through your answers and either this is bait or you need intense therapy to understand how a**sive this relationship is. YOUR GIRLFRIENDS MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES ARE NOT YOURS TO SOLVE!!! If she refuses to get help that is on her and her alone.

You are going to kill yourself trying to justify her behavior when you need to walk away. Block her number and refuse to engage. This is not a healthy relationship and YOU CAN’T SOLVE HER PROBLEMS!!!!

HandBananasRevenge −  NTA.  She is projecting blame onto you for her own failures and refuses to accept responsibility for the situation she’s now in. . Not good qualities in a partner. This might be the “she’s telling you who she really is” moment and I suggest you consider if you want to be with someone who has this kind of mindset. 

Arctic_Puppet −  NTA. She fucked up, and she feels ashamed, so she’s redirecting the blame to you. Are you a mental health professional? Are you qualified to treat someone in the middle of an anxiety attack? No? Then what the f**k did she expect you to do? Her anxiety is so severe that it prevented her from applying to the colleges she wanted to go to. That sucks, but it is in no way your fault. She owes you a massive apology, and she needs to seek treatment for her anxiety.

Pladohs_Ghost −  NTA. She’s blaming you for her inability to adult? That’s a parade of red flags down the main avenue. D**p her.