AITA for moving to a hotel because my wife’s family insisted I sleep on the couch?

A Reddit user shares a story about visiting their wife’s family for the first time and being told they couldn’t share a bed with their wife in her parents’ home. After being asked to sleep on the couch, they chose to move to a nearby hotel instead, sparking tension with their in-laws and upsetting their wife. Now, they’re wondering if they handled the situation poorly.

‘ AITA for moving to a hotel because my wife’s family insisted I sleep on the couch?’

My wife and I got married last summer. Her family lives across the country from us, so up until this point I had never actually visited them, but I had met them a handful of times and we’ve always gotten along fine. They invited us to come visit and stay with them for a few days and we took them up on the offer.

We flew in yesterday, and everything went well – her dad and I watched football while she caught up with her mom and sisters, and then we had a really nice dinner. But things went south at the end of the night when it was made clear that they didn’t want me sharing a bed with my wife while in their home, and that they expected me to sleep on the couch.

I honestly thought they were joking at first, but they insisted we sleep separately. I had a problem with the implication that I shouldn’t be allowed to sleep next to my wife, and I also have a bad back and the couch did not look the least bit comfortable (they don’t have a guest room).

After arguing back and forth for a bit, I decided to leave and book a hotel. I told my wife she didn’t have to come with me, she chose to stay and I said I’d come back the next day. I went off to a Marriott about 10m away and got a good night’s sleep, trying to not let the whole situation bother me.

This morning, I called my wife asking when I should come by. She told me her parents want me to apologize for leaving the way I did. I told her that I’m willing to apologize to keep the peace, but they need to acknowledge that it wasn’t appropriate to insist I can’t share a bed with my own wife. She said she’d talk to them and call me back.

About 10 minutes later, I hear back from her, and she tells me that not only will they not apologize for it, they are now insisting I need to come back and stay on the couch for the rest of our visit, and if I don’t agree to this, I’m not welcome back in the house. I’m pretty livid at this point – I told her that there’s absolutely no chance that I will do that, and I am no longer willing to offer any sort of apology.

My wife’s sisters are now bothering me saying this is just the way their parents are, that my wife is very upset, and that I need to just give in and stay on the couch for the rest of the trip before this turns into some sort of family feud. From my perspective, I don’t care what they think and I’m willing to treat the rest of this trip as a solo vacation, go sightseeing and meet my wife back at the airport at the end of the week.. AITA?. 

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

b_digital −  NTA – Your in-laws are a**orrent hosts. It’s their house, their rules and their rules are stupid. Rather than fighting a pointless battle, you set a clear and valid boundary, and they chose to take offense to it. They want you to stay on their couch because it’s a power play. You staying in a hotel takes that power away, and they can’t handle it. The fact that your wife doesn’t have your back on this is a giant red flag. Good luck. Edit: based on OP’s update, my red flag comment is unwarranted, as it’s clearly a result of a toxic, abusive household.

virtualchoirboy −  NTA. You have a wife problem just as much as you have an in-law problem. She should be defending you, not deferring to them. Do not back down on this because they are blatantly disrespecting you and disrespecting your marriage. And if your wife can’t support you in this, I would suggest some marriage counseling when you get home because you’re her chosen family now. She needs to act like it.

Aeronaut91 −  NTA, tell your wife your going to book your ticket home for today. Ask her if she wants you to change her ticket to go home with you or if she wants you to cancel it because she’d rather live with her parents forever.

hannahsflora −  You are totally NTA. You say they don’t have a guest room – so where is your wife sleeping? What reasoning are they giving as to why they don’t want you sleeping in the same room as your wife? Are any of your wife’s sisters married and if so, do they get to sleep in the same room as their spouses?

This is absolutely bizarre and honestly, if your wife doesn’t come to her own senses on this and apologize to you plus set some boundaries with her parents, you two need to have some hard conversations upon your return home. People don’t get this weirdly controlling in only one area, so I suspect that this is only the tip of the iceberg with what’s to come if you two don’t get on the same page now.

He_Who_Is_Right_ −  NTA. Die on this hill—your dignity is not up for discussion or negotiation. If that means that there will be a family feud without end, so be it.

Status_Inspector_972 −  NTA. You’re not teenagers, you’re a married couple. That is insane. Also, knowing how her parents are, surely your wife could have forewarned you that this would likely happen? Of course she didn’t because she knew that you’d likely not stand for it (and rightly so). It’s not like she was willing to give you the bed and her sleep on the sofa to aid your bad back either.. Such major red flags.

1. Didn’t warn you about this before hand – likely to ensure you go in hopes that you will just accept the situation regardless of your bad back, which is lying to you and showing inconsideration and lack of care for your needs.
2. Allows her family to act controlling and disrespectful towards you and doesn’t attempt to defend you – instead gets mad at you.
I’d be questioning this marriage because she’s shown you who the priority is always going to be.

valeran46 −  NTA. I don’t even stay at relatives/families houses. If I’m visiting, I get a hotel room for my fiance’/caregiver and I. Period. It saves a LOT of issues; privacy, sleeping arrangements, etc.

mdthomas −  NTA. They offered you accommodations under their conditions. You declined and didn’t make a big deal out of it and got your own accommodations. They have literally nothing to be angry about.

Itsnotfull −  Nta but your wife is.

klurtin −  This is bizarre! What reason was given? The fact your wife stayed behind is not a good sign. The fact she is saying you need to apologize makes it worse. There is a good possibility her family will always be a negative factor in your relationship and she will choose them over you every time. I guess a small blessing is that it’s good you’ve learned this now and especially before having children.

I applaud you for treating this as a solo vacation and meeting your wife at the airport. You are being the bigger person. Wife needs to explore her relationship with her parents and set some serious boundaries moving forward. You are NTA but her parents are and, depending on your wife’s next few actions, she may be as well.. BTW – how old is she?