AITA for moving my a**oholic dad in with me to essentially drink himself to d**th? My siblings are understandably upset but have done very little to actually help since they’ve moved away ?
A 22-year-old has moved their severely alcoholic father, who is suffering from advanced alcohol-related dementia, into their home. Despite his troubled past, including numerous arrests and rehab stints, the father expressed a desire to die peacefully rather than suffer in a subpar care facility.
The individual decided to support their father by providing him with alcohol at home, believing this allows him to live with dignity until he passes. Their siblings are upset, arguing that the father could recover in a facility and accusing the individual of essentially facilitating a death sentence.
The individual feels justified, having been the primary support system for their father, while their siblings have distanced themselves.
‘ AITA for moving my a**oholic dad in with me to essentially drink himself to d**th? My siblings are understandably upset but have done very little to actually help since they’ve moved away ? ‘
So obviously this is a screwed up situation all around. My dad is 58 and a severe a**oholic. I am 22, I have a half sister who is 45 and a full brother who is 24. They live in different states. I did not stay behind to care for my dad but I’ve really been his only support system.
He has been in and out of rehab, he’s been arrested for public intoxication, public indecency, DUI well over 20 times and numerous other things that would probably break the rules to talk about them. This has been going on as long as I can remember.
He is destitute, malnourished and has advanced ARD (alcohol related dementia) which is worse when he doesn’t drink. He can’t work, drive or care for himself in any meaningful way. I’ve been there for all of it while my siblings left a long time ago and have done nothing other than an occasional check.
My sister arranged for him to be put in a long term care facility (she was not paying for it, state funded) fairly close to me. He was “sober” but was caught several times stealing alcohol wipes to either s**k on them. I visited him twice and it was like a horror show, I didn’t realize places like this existed outside of the movies.
During one of his coherent moments he begged me to take him out. I told him the second he had access to alcohol he’ll drink again. He said he knew but he’s ready to die and he’s at peace with it. I talked it over with my husband and we hired a specialist to examine my dad and he said if he drinks he has maybe 6 months left.
We did a quick remodel on our house so my dad will have easy access to a bathroom and we said we will buy him a 30 pack of cheap beer a day and he can stay with us until he’s gone. Yes it s**k’s but on one hand he has his family, he’s not covered in bed bugs, hes clean and has entertainment.
He’s not stealing to fund his habit, he’s not bothering the public and he won’t get arrested. My siblings think that he was going to get better in the facility and think Ive signed him up for a d**th sentence.
I told them that they are welcome to move him to a facility closer to them so they can be the ones to visit him and see his food covered in roaches and his baths being wiped down with chemicals.
My sister said she can’t because of her “reputation as a real estate agent” (my stomach hurt I laughed so hard) and my brother said he doesn’t want his kids to see their grandpa like that. Both ridiculous excuses but they insist on being angry with me when I’m the one who’s borne all the stress and heartache of seeing this in person.
To me this allows a man who has made some terrible choices in his life the ability to at least not linger in some hell hole for the next 10 years and die as crappy as he lived…but at least on his own terms. AITA?
Here’s how people reacted to the post:
SunshineKittenYESYES − NTA. You’re showing a tremendous amount of compassion in his final stage. Your heart is warm and it’s going to be really awful, but from the sounds of things you’re doing the best thing. Speak to a social worker where he’s staying, get some referrals for home help and home nursing.
You’ll find they more than likely offer it for free from more than one place. Edit: I know because I’m going through this myself. I have no family around and on Friday got the news that I’ve seen my last Christmas already. I do not fit the stereotypes on this one, my friends have no idea, and I plan to keep it that way.
My worst fear is dying in a hospital. I just want to stay in my tidy cosy home with my lovely cat and conversations only with people who are being paid to show up to help me around the house. There is no ‘make a wish foundation’ stuff for sick people who aren’t children, which is total crap 🙂
Edit 2: YES I HAVE PLANS FOR WHERE THE CAT WILL LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER. Please, these condescending remarks are pure self-serving nonsense. At least respect yourself if you’re not respecting me.
Ethelfleda − Social Worker here with years of experience in this area. You are doing something called Harm Reduction model. Try Googling it and share info with your family. But don’t expect anyone to understand. I’ve been to those facilities and I believe you.
Clean and healthy food is better. The key here is self determination and respect. Good luck. This is going to s**k but you are amazing.
Quartz636 − NTA. If a 58 year old life long a**oholic wants to drink themselves to d**th, that seems like their business. Everyone is all for body autonomy until it’s isn’t pretty.
Daddydrank-alot − Can I comment on my post? Can the guy who keeps sending me private messages accusing this being f**e because of the ages just comment here? Or at least read this? Yes my dad had my sister when he was 13.
There’s some family gossip that his daughter may actually be his sister or his cousin (meaning she’s my aunt or cousin once removed) but I am not lying about the ages and I’m happy to discuss it publicly. But either you hit the save button one too many times or are really obsessed with my “lie.”
Juliagoolia96 − I feel like you’ve done your research here… if there’s really no other way, just d**th at home w you VS in a disgusting facility alone, you’re making a merciful choice. You have a father who, for all intents and purposes, has fucked his life up and negatively impacted his children’s lives. I think many people would tell him to rot.
And as someone in recovery myself, I’d like to believe everyone can stop drinking, but the man does not want to and states that. NTA. The man is dying and he has made his choices to get him here. I think it’s kind for you to let him die comfortably. At least you can live the rest of your life knowing he wasn’t somewhere disgusting, w no family around.
Moose-Live − OP, you’re NTA. You have a bunch of terrible options and you’ve chosen the least awful one. The people criticising you have a very unrealistic view of how the world actually works. You can’t rehabilitate a 58yo a**oholic *who doesn’t want to stop drinking*, and you can’t *force* your siblings to contribute to private care.
If your siblings don’t like it, they are free to take over his care. But they’d rather criticise you from a safe distance. So sucks to them. Wishing you and your husband lots of strength.
jamesindevon − NAH, but please please tell us you have talked this through with a criminal lawyer from your jurisdiction. The last thing you want is to be charged with assisting suicide. The lawyer should be able to advise you how to stay on the right side of the law, and how to document that you are doing so.
EbbComfortable1755 − NTA. As an a**oholic myself and much experience of being around other addicts I can say with certainty that some addicts do not want to and will never stop. For some addicts it will be terminal.
At least you are giving him some dignity and the chance to be around family. I am sorry he hasn’t found it in him to get better for you and your family at least but I believe you are doing a very selfless thing.
12345_PIZZA − NTA – your siblings put you in an impossible situation and your choice is the least terrible option (in your mind). As much as it sucks to enable him, alcoholics will go to great lengths to get drunk. You can’t just cut him off at this point and cure a lifetime of drinking.
And obviously a better care facility is the ideal solution, but y’all can’t afford that. You should cut your sis some slack though. The real estate game is cut throat, and reputation is everything… /s. Edit: you’re/your
Paevatar − NTA. Your siblings are AH and are living in denial. They would rather criticize you than take responsibility. I’d challenge them to come up with a feasible alternative and arrange it by themselves. I doubt they can. Your solution seems to be the most humane one. You could look into at-home hospice care for your father. It might take some of the burden off you.
Is it right for the individual to support their father’s decision to drink until death in a familiar and supportive environment, or should they have sought alternative solutions for his care? How much responsibility do siblings share when one sibling steps up to provide care? What do you think? Share your thoughts in the comments!