AITA for making my stepdaughter do more chores than my son?

Family dynamics in blended households are never simple, especially when expectations about work and responsibility differ between children. I (47F) have been married to my husband for 17 years, and we each brought one child into our marriage—his daughter (24F) and my son (22M).

Although we generally get along well, there’s one long-standing issue: I assign my stepdaughter more chores than my son. Despite my husband’s occasional agreement with me when she complains, tensions have built up over the years.

Now that my son is preparing for graduate school, working two part-time jobs, and tutoring on the side while saving money for his future, my stepdaughter—who remains a social butterfly with little ambition for college or a job—continues to have far more household responsibilities. My husband’s growing discontent with this imbalance has forced me to reevaluate the fairness of my expectations. Am I being unfair, or should my stepdaughter be held to a higher standard?

‘AITA for making my stepdaughter do more chores than my son?’

Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist specializing in family dynamics, notes, “Blended families often face challenges when it comes to assigning responsibilities. It’s crucial to acknowledge the different needs and circumstances of each child.

When one child is actively pursuing academic and financial independence while the other is not, differential expectations might seem reasonable on the surface. However, it’s important to ensure that any disparities in responsibilities are communicated clearly and empathetically to avoid feelings of resentment or unfairness.”

Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, adds, “Parental fairness is a delicate balance. When children have differing schedules and commitments, it’s natural for chores to be adjusted accordingly. That said, it’s vital to involve both children in the discussion about household responsibilities so they understand the rationale behind any differences.

This approach not only fosters fairness but can also help prevent long-term conflicts. In your case, while your intentions might be practical, the key lies in ensuring that all parties feel respected and heard.”

Both experts agree that your decision to assign more chores to your stepdaughter is rooted in practical concerns, but they also highlight the need for open dialogue to prevent feelings of inequality.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Several redditors expressed strong support for your stance. One user commented, “If your son is juggling so much already and actively working toward his future, it’s fair that he gets some leeway. Your stepdaughter, who isn’t making similar efforts, might need to take on extra responsibilities until she’s ready to contribute more.”

Another commenter shared, “Family dynamics in blended households are complicated. I get why you would adjust chores based on each child’s situation. It’s not about being mean—it’s about practical division of labor.”

Ultimately, your decision to assign more chores to your stepdaughter stems from practical concerns regarding her lack of involvement in academic and work pursuits, contrasted with your son’s heavy commitments. However, balancing fairness in a blended family requires clear communication and involvement of all parties to ensure that both children understand and accept the reasoning behind these decisions. This situation raises an important question: How can families equitably divide responsibilities when individual circumstances differ so drastically?

What would you do if you were in a similar situation, where one child’s efforts and future prospects significantly differ from another’s? Share your thoughts and experiences below—your insights might help others navigate the delicate balance between fairness and practicality in family dynamics.