AITA for making my stepdaughter do more chores than my son?

A Redditor described the ongoing conflict with her husband and stepdaughter over assigning more chores to her stepdaughter than to her biological son. While her son is busy with advanced studies, part-time jobs, and volunteer work, the stepdaughter has chosen a more social lifestyle without pursuing work or education.

As a result, the original poster assigns her more household responsibilities. After years of this dynamic, the stepdaughter and her father have started to push back, claiming the arrangement is unfair. However, the user feels justified, believing the distribution reflects their children’s differing commitments. Read the original story below…

‘ AITA for making my stepdaughter do more chores than my son?’

My husband and I (both 47) brought one child each into our marriage, his daughter (24) and my son (22). My husband and I have been married for 17 years and we all get along for the most part. The biggest continuing issue we have is that I make my step daughter do more chores and that’s almost always been the case.

I work 30-40 hours a week and my husband works around 50 so I handle a lot more of the household and child care. She often complained to her father who complained to me but I felt like he agreed more with me because he only mentioned she complained and let it go.

The chores were fairly light and even through elementary school for both of them. When they got to middle school though my son started taking advanced placement classes, which have more homework. He also started doing some volunteer work, mentoring younger kids.

He’s always been very scholarship minded because he knew we didn’t have a lot to save back. The chores were still pretty even, but on days when his tutoring/mentoring ran late, I did them. I didn’t do the same for her when she was out later with friends. She has always been well liked with lots of friends because she has a very bright, fun personality.

In HS, my son picked up more volunteer hours, college prep and AP classes, and got a job. He paid for his “extras” and she had to earn her allowance. That’s when the bigger discrepancy happened. Now he’s going into his graduate program, doing research, working two part-time jobs, and still tutoring on the side.

We pay for his housing, food, etc so he can save some money. She’s still very much a social butterfly and I love that she has so many people who love her. But she has no job, no college, and isn’t trying to get either. We’ve offered to help her any way we can but she just says she’s too busy. So she has far more chores than him.

Apparently she complained more to her father and he has finally decided I need to balance it out more. I don’t even know how when my son has so little time and told him no.
They both say I’m being unfair and the more I think about it, I don’t know. Aita?

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

ApprehensiveIce9026 −  She’s 24 and no study or job!? Her father really thinks that’s ok? And then she has the balls to say she’s too busy to do so?! Sounds you (parents) failed her. She’s a legal adult, but she acts like a child.. NTA . If her dad insists in this, he can do her part of the chores.

shopayss −  You’re setting up both kids for failure. Your stepdaughter isn’t ready to get a job because she’s getting a generous allowance already. I bet once that allowance is cut off she’ll be ready to get a job. If she wants to keep the same allowance then she should do more chores. $1000/month is close to what I pay a cleaning lady once a week.

I understand your son is busy with school but if he was living on his own the chores would still be there regardless of how much schooling and working he has. If he was living with a partner in the future will he expect his partner, who would also work fulltime, to do his chores for him?

ReviewOk929 −  she has no job, no college, and isn’t trying to get either….. We ask her to make sure the floor is swept or vacuumed, dust when needed, and the household laundry like bedding and towels. We do our own clothes. I would estimate it takes her about 3 hours a week. I cook for myself, husband, and stepdaughter.

My son does his own cooking for himself only. NTA – She’s 24, she isn’t working and she should be pulling her weight appropriately. A fair distribution would be that she do the majority of chores since she’s the only one in the house not working/studying etc. Also based on replies you’re not asking that much at all. Sucks to be her but until she gets a job….

Mikill1995 −  Is your daughter okay? Why does she not have a job or go to college? Is she depressed? In therapy? What is she doing all day? What’s her reasoning for not looking? A huge hole in the CV is not going to make getting a job easier…

ajblue98 −  Excuse me, but your freeloading daughter is griping about unfair chores at the age of ~~22~~ **24**? *Make her pay rent or go to college, or kick her out!*. ESH

MarshmallowFloofs85 −  she gets 1000 a month to sweep dust and wash bedding?? I was going for YTA but if she’s getting 1k to do the very basic things to live absolutely NTA

Fufferstothemoon −  Why the hell is a 24 year old getting an allowance?? That’s for kids who can’t work because it’s illegal for them to do so and possibly full time students in college around that age.

East_Parking8340 −  Thats downright insane. I get that some think there should be a fair division of labour as far as the chores go but really, she needs to earn all that lovely money she is being given to live her social butterfly life.

Not only free rent and food but also free clothes, free accessories, free spending money, free cell phone and phone plan, free car, free gas. For the last SIX years. In under a year most family health plans will drop her from their policy – without any job (thus no benefits) who’s going to pay to keep her healthy?

With no college degree combined with a big six year gap on her resume her only employment options will be limited and at the bottom of the wage scale.. If she’s aiming to be a trophy wife – tick tock – time’s running out. Trophy wives are usually high achievers in their own right so I’m not sure that’s going to work out for her.

I think your husband had a much bigger problem to resolve than who dusts the picture frames. I can’t imagine that you will be happy when at the age of 30 she’s still there. Still a social butterfly.. NTA

Heavy-One-9344 −  You’re not very good parents. You enable bad behavior, and somehow simultaneously show favoritism to the other side. You’re not doing either of your kids any favors honestly.

You’re teaching your daughter she doesn’t have to take any responsibility for her own life, and you’re kinda doing the same with your son by letting him skate by on his household/living duties just because he’s working hard in other areas. That’s not how life works as an adult on your own.

No matter how noble your intentions, you have to make sure your home is taken care of first and foremost, and you’re teaching him that he can put that on the back burner if he’s doing other things that he deems “more important.” You seriously need to reevaluate the principles on which you have raised your children.

squirrelsareevil2479 −  NTA. Daughter is living at home, being provided with shelter, food , clothing and spending money while not attending school or working. She’s got a pretty sweet life and should appreciate it. Son is working, volunteering and attending college and saving money. He’s ambitious, motivated and a hard worker.

I would suggest to daughter that she can do fewer chores but if she wants any spending money for fun she’ll have to get a job. She can’t receive all the perks for no effort. Suggest you’ll still provide a bed to sleep in and food to eat but all other expenses are her responsibility. She needs to recognize that with privilege comes responsibility.

Your husband needs to look at what she is actually doing with her life and is it sustainable without the two of you supporting her. Daughter needs some goals and plans to be self supporting. Good luck and congratulations on raising such a great son.

Was it reasonable for the user to assign more chores based on their children’s varying commitments, or should the responsibilities have been more balanced regardless of personal schedules? How would you navigate fairness in a blended family with differing goals? Share your thoughts below!