AITA for making my partner choose between me and his mom?

A Redditor shares how her relationship with her boyfriend’s mom and ex-girlfriend has caused tension in their lives. After enduring years of disrespect and even a life-threatening incident involving her allergy, she asked her boyfriend to choose between her and his toxic family situation. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for making my partner choose between me and his mom?’

I (f34) have been with my bf (m 38) for the past 3 years. He has a crazy ex, Jane. They have been together on and off since they were 15, last time they broke up, about 5 years ago he made a point to both families that it was final. Both his mom and dad consider her to be a family friend, she lives 5 min walk from their house.

From the first day, his mom made sure everyone, especially me, knew that she doesn’t approve. She has also invited Jane to every family gathering, despite him asking her not to. Together with Jane, his mom would make comments at my expense. I know he loves his mom, and I would never disrespect her in her home, so I always took the jabs silently.

She would also give Jane a spare key to his place, and more than once he came home to find her in his bed, one of the reasons I insist on having my own place is, I’m not comfortable with his family (mom) having a spare key to a place I live in.

There have been numerous instances where both would drive me to the point of tears and on more than one occasion when I left the event early because of it, to his credit he always left with me, and his mom always blamed me for dragging him away.

My breaking point was last month, at his birthday dinner at his family home when his mom had one of his nephews bring me a cookie that had coffee in it. I’m allergic, severely. His family knows. I was lucky enough to notice before I swallowed the bit and spit it out, still, I had to use my epi-pen.

His mom kept saying that I should go home and rest because I was dampening the mood, he said if I left so will he. I said that I can’t do it anymore, I can put up with comments, and Jane being pushed in his lap at every chance, but that I can’t deal with them essentially trying to poison me. His mom said it was an accident.

I didn’t believe it and said that I can’t be with him as long as his family is part of his life, since they enabled the behavior. He said goodbye to them, and we left. A couple of days later he told me his mom admitted that the cookie thing was deliberate, but that they didn’t think it was as severe as I claimed.

That she and Jane just didn’t want me there. His dad, brothers, and sister have all come to visit and apologized for their part. We agreed to start fresh. Last weekend we had a barbecue over at my place and we invited them all, his dad, and his sister both asked if his mom can come, my bf said he doesn’t want her there but as it was my house it was my call, I said I’m sorry but she just isn’t welcomed.

His family and friends have been divided some say I’m within my right, and others are saying I’m an AH because I’m not just making him choose between his mom and me but also all of them, I said I never asked them to chose and pointed out his mom still hasn’t apologized to me, but they say by inviting them and not her I’m essentially forcing a choice. So am I an AH?

Heres the input from the Reddit crowd:

Bmilvis −  Mom tried to kill you. He needs to go no contact for a while to work on your relationship. If he doesn’t you will never be happy as mom will never change. Leave if he doesn’t.

Forsaken-Revenue-628 −  So the family thinks its fine that she tried to poison you and hasn’t apologized??? if someone tried to m**der them would they invite them over to a BBQ as if nothing happen esp when they have shown no remorse – except for having to suffer the consequences of their actions???

[Reddit User] −  So his mom tries to kill you and you are the a**hole? And you staying with this a**hole boyfriend for 3 years when his d**bass continued to disrespect you and allowed his family to disrespect you to the point where they tried to kill you? Seriously?

Tell his family, they should be happy you aren’t pressing charges for attempted m**der. Yes because that is exactly what it is. And tell your boyfriend, that if he stays in contact with that potential k**ler you are out that door. He should be zero contact. He shouldn’t even be asking you. He should be shutting it down.

She tried to kill you and all he can say is “I’ll have to ask OP”. He should be like “hell no” Love yourself girl enough to get a boyfriend whose family won’t try to kill you and is willing to establish boundaries prior to them trying to kill you. He is allowed it to get this far…

Fun-Dimension5196 −  He’s 38 and his mommy still pushes him around. He’s not worth it. NTA

DaniCapsFan −  His mother tried to kill you. If he loves you, that should be reason enough for him to go NC with her and anyone defending her. In fact, why haven’t you filed a police report? Change the locks, make sure his mother never has a key, and make it clear she is not welcome where you are.. NTA

Agoraphobe961 −  NTA. She deliberately *poisoned* you. I’d press charges, if for no other reason than your own safety otherwise I see her pulling this “mistake” again.

rofosho −  Girl. How good is he in bed that you would put up with this for years. There are so many men out there with a million less bags of baggage, go find one of those

[Reddit User] −  YTA to *yourself* if you don’t extend the no-contact stipulation to *any* member of his family who is still trying to make excuses for her. Hell, at this point, I wouldn’t be inclined to grant *any* of them the benefit of the doubt until they – your boyfriend included – have been through intensive therapy to sort out when and how they started just accepting this behavior as “just Mom being Mom.”

But then, I would’ve been out somewhere around the second time Jane got into his house and he didn’t put down his foot about no more access for anyone. So if this isn’t just a compilation of r/justnoMIL’s greatest hits, you might want to spend some time sorting through what you’re really getting out of this relationship and whether it’s worth all this nonsense, never mind why you’re *still* struggling with holding firm that none of this is or has ever been okay.

[Reddit User] −  You’ve been putting up with this 38 year old mama’s boy whose family tried to kill you *for three years?!* And you *hosted* those assholes for a bbq?!
I’m sorry, but at this point, you’re the architect of your own misery. You’ve shown them that you’ll tolerate pretty much anything up to and including *your own m**der.* And you’re quibbling over apologies? You and BF are well matched in your respective spinelessness.

CakeZealousideal1820 −  She could’ve K*LLED YOU! F**K HER! NTA and your bf should’ve handled this a lot sooner. 3 years of this? If you have children with that man do NOT understand any circumstances let that woman anywhere near you children. You need to tell your boyfriend he had to make a decision that will life long. She is NOT allowed anywhere near you ever. I’d press charges to be honest and if he doesn’t back you on this you need to leave him immediately

Do you think the OP is right to draw boundaries with her boyfriend’s mom, or is she forcing an unfair choice? How would you handle a situation where your partner’s family mistreats you? Share your thoughts below!