AITA for making my mom’s life difficult by making her fight for custody?

A Redditor shared a story about their tough custody battle following their father’s passing. Their mother, who moved out of state when the user was young to start a new family, is now seeking custody.

Over the years, the user has felt neglected and put on the sidelines, as their mother focused on her new family. Now, they’ve chosen to stay with their grandparents instead of moving to their mom’s home, causing her to fight for custody. Was this choice unfair to their mom? Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for making my mom’s life difficult by making her fight for custody?’

My dad died in June. He had custody of me (16). My mom lives in another state. She moved when I was 7 because her husband got a new job and wanted a better life for his kids. Mom wanted to take me. She and dad battled it out in court. I was asked what I wanted by a judge. It was a really bad time for me.

I told the judge I wanted my mom but didn’t want to leave my dad, my friends or my family. I told him I really didn’t want to go. She was really kind to me. I don’t remember everything she said. But I do remember her apologizing for me being in that position.

She decided to give dad custody of me and gave mom summer parenting time and weekly calls to me. I begged mom not to leave. She told me she had to but wanted me to come with them. I told her I didn’t want to leave dad behind but I didn’t want to be left behind. She left and told me nothing much would change.

For a while the calls were great and all. But then she started putting her her stepkids (who were under 5 when mom and her husband moved) on the phone after 2 minutes of us talking. The calls were meant to be for her and me. But she wanted me to “keep the bond” with her stepkids.

I never had a bond with them so the calls sucked and I started ending the calls when she would pass the phone to everyone else. Mom never came back on the phone so I didn’t need to stay on the phone. She’d correct me for it and I’d tell her I wanted to talk to her and not them.

The calls stayed on the court order but they were at most 5 minutes instead of 20 minutes. Summers I spent 5-7 weeks with mom. She’d act so excited to see me but we never really got time for just us. Her stepkids were always added on because her husband would be at work and when he’d get home he’d join us.

I asked for time with just my mom and she’d ignore me. I grew more resentful of it all. My dad died right before I was due to fly out to mom’s. I don’t want to live with her so I asked my grandparents if they could file for custody quickly. There was an emergency hearing because of the situation and mom had to fly out for it.

She wanted custody. She told the judge. But the judge said I could temporarily stay with my grandparents until a formal court date. Court is a little over a week away. My mom has tried to convince me to move in with her. She told me I should be with my family and my parents.

I told her she’s my only parent left but she chose her husband and his kids over me before so why should I choose her now. She told me I should understand that she didn’t want to end her marriage over a good opportunity and how I could have gone with them.

She told me she couldn’t let his kids down after she became mom to them. I told her she could separate me from one of my parents. Then I pointed out she prioritized them over me. She told me it’s not a reason to make her life harder by having to fight for custody of her son who already lost his other parent. She told me to be fair about this.. AITA?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

East_Parking8340 −  My condolences on your loss. I realise that you’re paraphrasIng but she showed her true colors when saying that the opportunity in moving was better than the opportunity to being in your life on a day to day basis. I suspect that there are some of factors behind her newly polished desire to see you more:

1) social stigma – what will everyone in her immediate circle think that, when she is left as the only living parent, you opt to live with someone else. Everyone will now know that the relationship between the two of you is not as she has probably described and uncover her awful behaviour – she has probably spun some yarn around it all being your father’s fault..

2) financial
a) she will have to continue (or start) paying child support

b) she will have had direct access to any inheritance and probably had plans to spread it between all of her ’children’ and not to the legal legatee. As an aside on this matter, this is not fiction, it is a regular viewpoint when stepchildren are involved.

Fairness is always a word bandied around when parent and step parent conveniently forget that step sibs have neither moral nor legal right to any monies or properties left. You really need to make sure this doesn’t happen – speak to your GPs and lawyers stat. Your GPs may need to take this to court, the sooner the better, to protect your assets.

c) she plans to use your inheritance to finance her life, pay off the mortgage etc. You would never see the money again.

d) if she didn’t before, she will now have to fund your ticket to visit (if the court insists you do). She was not fair in moving a plane ride away. She was not fair to try to force you to interact with step sibs. She was not fair in ignoring your honest request for one to one time with her.

She was not fair prioritising step sibs over you. She was not fair trying to emotionally b**ckmail a child. She, patently, is wholly focussed on herself and her own happiness with absolutely no regard to yours.

In expecting you to move so far away from your existing support base (especially at an age where making new friends is more challenging) when you are so vulnerable and still grieving shows a marked lack of empathy and actual care for you and your mental health. You are definitely NTA and I suggest you focus on YOUR happiness and comfort rather than allow yourself to be used.

FitOrFat-1999 −  “I don’t want to live with her”. That’s it. You are 16 and don’t want to live with someone with whom your parental bond has been fraying for years. You have friends and family, and 2 years left of HS – a life! where you are. You’ve lost your dad and now your mother wants you to lose that life too.

At this point I think she wants custody because it would be easier for her. “Fairness” has nothing to do with it. You do what’s best for you. I’m very sorry for the loss of your dad. NTA.

Fluffy_Sheepy −  NTA. You are allowed to feel how you feel. And you are right, she chose her husband, his kids, and his job opportunity over you. She failed to show any kind of familial loyalty to her own child, why should you demonstrate such loyalty now? You didn’t make her leave or make her leave you behind. You were 7 years old.

It was up to her to make decisions with HER child in mind. Yet she chose to move out of state, and she chose to squander her alloted time with you instead of treasuring it. If you don’t feel inclined to live with her now, she has only herself to blame for it. 

Sure_Flamingo_2792 −  Moving for a job happens to many families. Where she really went wrong was putting the steps on the calls and not making time for the two of you.

Since it has been a consistent pattern at each visit you are right to weigh out giving up a familiar place with people who prioritize you for a place away from friends where you are expected to bond with younger steps and only have group family time. So sorry you have to go through this. NTA

Diasies_inMyHair −  NTA – You are 16, in the last year or two of high school, and you have just lost a parent. You should not be uprooted further against your will. Your mother, who made her own choices, should respect that, and prioritize your well-being. I hope the judge sides with you.

I_wanna_be_anemone −  NTA Your mom has put herself first at every opportunity. She chose to be more of a mother to her step kids than to you. She chose to attempt (and fail) to ‘blend’ her ‘family’ instead of taking time (any time) to spend with you.

How much does she even know you by now? Does she know your friend’s names? Current interests? What your favourite movie is? Your favourite place to hang out? Where you dream of going someday on vacation?

You’re right, she’s chosen her ‘new’ family and time again, she replaced you, now she wants to replace your recently decease father with the man she chose over you again. I’m so sorry for your loss.

I hope the judge considers your input (make sure to mention in particular how your mother failed to uphold the court order for having one on one phone calls, as well as how she constantly and consistently refused to spend time with you alone during her custody times, bring up the part where she’s already talking about replacing your dad with her partner which demonstrates a shocking lack of empathy on her part). NTA 

[Reddit User] −  NTA. As a divorced parent, I’ll never understand how someone can voluntarily move so far away from their child. My ex and I aren’t exactly the best of friends, and we’ve both moved since the divorce, but we’ve always stayed in the same 10-mile radius and we’ve always done whatever it took to make 50/50 custody work.

And you’re not making your mom’s life difficult, you’re just trying to make your own life less difficult. You’re already grieving, and your mom wants you to uproot your entire life and give in to her demands, when you already have family you can live with – family who’s actually been there while you were growing up. Your mother is being incredibly s**fish. Keep advocating for yourself, because she clearly won’t look out for your best interest.

Hot-Employment5597 −  NTA I’m so sorry your mom did that to you and still won’t listen. Be honest with the judge, your grandparents and your mom. You’re very honest and articulate. 

Kooky-Today-3172 −  NTA-, not even close. Your mom choose a Man and his children over her child. She was s**fish and tried to take you from Your dad. She should be ashamed. It shouldn’t be a hard choice: a job over your own child. And It wasn’t even HER job. Tell her that since she was more a mother to her stepkids than you, she can have only them.

Your grandparents were more part of your life than she was. They had more of a hand raising you than her. You are 16, have more family and friends where you live. Your life shouldn’t be unprooted in this time, specially after losing your dad and grieving. Ask If she is willing to move where you are. If her husband is willing to do a sacrifices for her like she did for him (I bet he isn’t).

decapentaplegical −  You are NTA, and your feelings are valid and very reasonable. Your mom unfortunately did make the choice to leave her 7 year old. Have you discussed your feelings with your grandparents? You’re definitely old enough to know what you want by now – trust your gut.

Do you think the user was justified in choosing to stay with their grandparents given their feelings of neglect, or should they give their mother another chance? How would you navigate this situation? Share your thoughts below!