AITA For making my daughter pay for her own college testing and applications because she was caught cheating?
A father is faced with a dilemma after his daughter Lily, who was caught cheating on a practice SAT, is required to pay for her own college testing and applications. He believes this is a necessary lesson in responsibility and maturity, especially since Lily’s friend Sam pressured her into cheating.
Despite family objections urging him to cover the fees for education’s sake, he insists on enforcing this lesson to prepare her for future challenges. Read the original story below…
‘ AITA For making my daughter pay for her own college testing and applications because she was caught cheating?’
I received a call to pick up my daughter ‘Lily’ because she had been caught cheating on her practice SAT. After arriving, I learned Lily’s friend ‘Sam’ had also been caught cheating. Her score was canceled, but, thankfully, Lily will still be allowed to retake the test and this has not gone under any kind of record.
When I talked to Lily about what happened, she told me that Sam’s mother was going to punish Sam if she didn’t earn an exceptionally high score. And Sam had, in turn, put pressure on my daughter to help her cheat. I have felt for a long time that Sam is not a genuine friend to Lily and has been trying to hold my daughter back to feel better about her own poor choices.
And I had spoken to Lily about this before, and to not let Sam manipulate her into anything she knows is wrong. Lily told me that she had understood yet did this. I told Lily that, to prove she will take her education seriously from now on, she will need to come up with the fee for her future tests and college applications on her own.
I suggested she start working odd jobs (such as babysitting or dog walking for the neighbors) to save up early. Despite telling me she understood, the time to register for the next test is approaching, and my daughter asked me to pay because she is short on cash and her school will not offer the test again until spring.
She brought up the original excuse that Sam pressured her into cheating. I told my daughter no. I am not going back on my word, and she will learn to treat these opportunities with respect once she has to earn it herself.
I also told Lily that she needs to stop letting Sam manipulate her, and if she can’t stand up to her then maybe she doesn’t have the mental maturity for college. Our extended family became involved in the disagreement and are insisting that we cover the fee because it’s for her education and is important for college.
I am not allowing them to cover the fee for Lily because it’s undermining my lesson. Inevitably, someone pretending to be her friend is going to pressure her to cheat again in college. Then when she gets caught again, I will wind up losing thousands of dollars and Lily will lose her shot at a good education.
Her college journey won’t last long regardless unless she learns responsibility now. Even though she spent her money poorly and doesn’t have enough now, she will be able to wait and test in spring, even if it’s a less convenient time for her. AITA For putting my foot down with Lily and our family?. Edited to answer comments:
Lily is now a junior in high school. Taking the test in spring will not delay Lily’s college applications. If she takes the test in spring, or even decides to retry during the summer, her score will still be available for her to use by the time fall applications roll around.
I have also broken down the math in multiple comments already. Lily had and still has ample time and opportunity to save up. If she spends her money wisely this time, she will have more than enough to cover the fees. Especially as these are the only expenses she will need to cover.
Here’s what the community had to contribute:
grayfern − Ehhhhhh…….. I think technically NTA… you set the boundary and are enforcing it. BUT I agree with your relatives…I don’t think you can let her sit out on a year of college over this. Did she already have an income “stream”, was she already dog walking, how much time passed – I.e.
was this a reasonable expectation for her to come up with the cash in the time frame? Sam, whatever, that’s her issue. She could have just as easily lied about that to keep herself out of trouble, so don’t think your daughter is above cheating just for the sake of it
disregardable − I personally wouldn’t choose a punishment that could potentially interfere with my kid achieving their college of choice. That could create life long resentment. It’s your kid though.
Ipso-Pacto-Facto − The SAT is offered 7 times a year, even if she has to go to a testing site other than her high school. So she better get cracking.
Waste_Worker6122 − NTA. Reasonable consequence for cheating. She’s had plenty of opportunity to earn the money to pay for the test; if she can’t be bothered that’s on her. Besides she can always take the test next spring; missing it now isn’t the end of the world.
More-Yogurtcloset531 − NTA. Sounds like your daughter still hasn’t learned anything from the cheating episode. She doesn’t really take responsibility for her own cheating (it was Sam’s fault), and she didn’t take any responsibility to make money to take her test. This is all on her. Stick to your reasonable consequences.
Let her sit out half a year and hopefully she’ll see there are actual real-world consequences to your life when you s**ew up and don’t take measures to fix it.
actualchristmastree − INFO how does this punishment teach her the skills she needs to say “no” next time?
GaimanitePkat − INFO: Is your daughter in therapy at all so she can learn to work on setting boundaries, saying no, unlearning people-pleasing habits, and building self confidence?
Creepy-Hair9753 − I don’t get it. What does money have to do cheating? I hate when punishments aren’t linked to the crime. How was her cheating on a practice test linked to you spending money on college applications? You’re lucky you have a reasonable daughter, when I was in high school, I would have absolutely not applied to colleges just to spite my mom.
Of course she also never would have cheated on a test. I would think the consequences here would have been more in line with losing your trust rather than your financial backing for her future.
Losing phone privacy, losing the chance to hang out with friends unchaperoned, losing out on going on field trips/sport trips without a parent accompanying and then her having to earn your trust back by making good, healthy decisions.
MutantHoundLover − So to punish your daughter for folding to peer pressure, you’re making it harder for her to get into college as if that’s going to help her pull out her shiny spine next time? And was this all before or after you had her in therapy to better learn how to cope with peer-pressure and boost her self esteem so she isn’t afraid of disappointing people?
(Assuming you really believe Lilly was being manipulated, and not just a happy participant manipulating you after getting caught.) YTA becasue punishing a kid who lacks maturity (your words) and self confidence doesn’t help them overcome it, it just makes them more anxious about you catching them being “weak” again.
And instead of basically telling your child she sucks becasue she wasn’t strong enough to say no to someone taking advantage of her, you could have turned it into a meaningful lesson that could have actually helped her too, such as having her volunteer as a tutor or at a school, or maybe teach a class.
And I hope you’re OK if she eventually decides to just forego college altogether, becasue if I was your kid and you forced me to pay for my own testing as a punishment, I would have just said, cool, I don’t need to go then.
Butterfl_Blue0324 − NTA. The ones that disagree, are the ones who’s raising their kids not to face consequences for their actions. Like you said, she already had the money for the tests but decided to spent it on unnecessary things.
Is it fair for him to hold her accountable in this way, or is he being too harsh? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!
