AITA for making my daughter pay back a $1000 dress she was supposed to wear in a wedding?
One parent (OP) explains how their younger daughter, Emma (16F), pressured her older sister into making her a bridesmaid for the upcoming wedding. Although Emma was initially excited, she recently backed out a month before the event, citing discomfort with the bridesmaid dress and not feeling close to the other bridesmaids.
The dress, shoes, and fittings totaled around $1,000, which the parents paid for since Emma didn’t have the money upfront. Now, OP is holding Emma accountable for the cost by asking her to repay it, either through part-time work or installments using her gift money.
Emma feels this is unfair, arguing she shouldn’t be punished for changing her mind. Some relatives think OP’s approach is too harsh. Read the original story below…
‘ AITA for making my daughter pay back a $1000 dress she was supposed to wear in a wedding?’
I have a daughter, Emma (16F), who was supposed to be a bridesmaid in her older sister’s wedding. My oldest wasn’t planning to have Emma in the wedding party. It was Emma who really wanted to be a bridesmaid because she was excited and wanted to be involved.
My oldest agreed to include her, even though it meant extra costs and adjustments. The bridesmaid dresses, shoes and fitting were around $1000 each, which we agreed to pay for since Emma did not have that cash. The wedding is in a month Emma suddenly changed her mind.
She refusing to wear the dress since she thinks it is u**y, saying it is unflattering on her. It is but didn’t speak up at any part She said she felt uncomfortable , wasn’t close to the other bridesmaids, and didn’t want to participate anymore. I reminded her that she had been the one pushing to be a part of the wedding, but she was firm and backed out.
Now, we’re stuck with a $1000 dress that can’t be returned. I told Emma that since she was the one who wanted to be in the wedding and then backed out, she would need to pay us back for the dress—either by working part-time or payment plan using her gift moeny.
Emma is upset and says it’s unfair, claiming we’re punishing her for not wanting to do something she wasn’t comfortable with anymore . Multiple family members think I am too harsh.
These are the responses from Reddit users:
Silaquix − NTA. A lot of people are in the comments making assumptions or straight up making things up that are the opposite of what OP has stated. The dress is the same for all the bridesmaids and Emma has only ever met the other bridesmaids while supervised so there hasn’t been any b**lying.
The bride didn’t even want Emma as a bridesmaid, this is something that Emma pushed for. The fact is she’s 16 and bulldozed her way into a position as a bridesmaid and now that she’s realized the style of dress isn’t ideal she’s throwing a tantrum. Frankly how she feels about the dress doesn’t matter.
The wedding is about the bride and the bride picked the same dress for all the bridesmaids and didn’t even want Emma there. Emma pushed for this so she should either s**k it up and wear the dress or she should take responsibility for her decisions and pay back the cost of the dress.
Again this is a 16yr old that bullied her way into being a bridesmaid despite being warned of the cost and now she’s wanting to drop out because the dress isn’t ideal. She was perfectly fine spending her parents money but now that there’s real consequences she’s upset.
MoiraineSedai86 − INFO: Did people make comments about the dress looking bad on her? Did you make that comment? Is her dress different than the other bridesmaids? Was it specifically chosen to make her uncomfortable? What is her relationship with her sister? Did you explain to her in advance what being in the wedding party means?
The almost universal expectation that bridesmaid’s dresses look a bit sh*t? There’s so much missing here about how she came to any of these decisions and what you as parents did to explain the choices to her, that we can’t honestly say of it’s fair or not to make her pay for it.
ReviewOk929 − we’re punishing her for not wanting to do something she wasn’t comfortable with anymore. NTA – She’s not being punished, she is just having to face the real world consequences of changing her mind. Making her pay back the money is the right course of action for a 16 y/o to learn from.
sleddingdeer − Make her pay or be a bridesmaid. This probably messes up the whole bridal party because the number of groomsmen will be off. Emma is too young and immature to grasp that. I’d have a heart to heart and see if you can help her through her insecurities.
But also explain the ripple effect of her choices and that she will be made to feel it. Her behavior is on par with her stage of development, but this is where she really needs to start experiencing the impact of her choices.
Saying you are “uncomfortable” doesn’t change the fact that she pushed her way into the bridal party and is now backing out and that a dress was purchased for her for $1,000. She can decide if it’s more uncomfortable to wear a bridesmaid’s dress or to pay you back. NTA
applebum8807 − While I personally feel that you should not have humored this at all, NTA. This is what happens when you back out last minute when everyone paid for you.
cndnsportsfan − NTA. This is a valuable lesson to learn. 1000 seems like a lot for a teenager, but she’ll be a lot more careful with her future commitments.
bluesnowdrops − NTA. I Agee with everyone else, it is a good lesson for her. Maybe offer some jobs she can do around the house to pay part of it off if you don’t want to burden her with the total amount.
One thing though: if you agree that the dress is unflattering and it was clear early on, consider having another chat with her on how the situation would be different had she voiced her concerns about the dress earlier and in a constructive/ solution oriented way ie small alterations which maybe can fix an issue like that.
AgnarCrackenhammer − NTA. Emma is old enough to deal with the consequences of her actions
EmpressJainaSolo − NTA. A sixteen year old is old enough to understand consequences. I get being a teenage girl wanting so desperately to be a part of something only to shut down and be embarrassed when things aren’t the way they hoped.
Perhaps she’s also realizing she overstepped in the first place and is juggling all the emotions and confusion that comes with that. I made similar (although less expensive) choices as a teenager. It took a long time to realize I was misreading some common social norms and expectations when it came to relationships.
There’s many reasons this can happen. Your daughter needs compassion here because there’s definitely other things going on. At the same time, you can be a compassionate parent while holding her accountable. Support her emotionally and don’t be too harsh about the money, but I do support your choice to have her get a job to pay the money back.. NTA.
ChickenScratchCoffee − You should have told her no in the first place. Who cares if she “wanted” to be in the wedding. It was the brides choice and obviously she didn’t want her sister in the wedding party or she would have asked her first.
You made the bride add her, you allowed a child to make a decision, this is on you. Maybe make her pay half but it’s crazy to make her pay the whole $1000 when you as the parent should have shut this down in the first place.
Is OP right to teach Emma a lesson about financial responsibility, or is the punishment too harsh given her discomfort with the situation? What do you think? Share your thoughts in the comments!