AITA for making homemade food for everyone except my brother’s stepdaughter?

A Redditor planned a fancy dinner for their parents’ anniversary but served takeout to their brother’s stepdaughter, Becca, who has severe food allergies. While the meal was chosen carefully to meet Becca’s dietary needs, her parents were offended, claiming it excluded her. After leaving the party early, the Redditor now wonders if they handled the situation poorly. Read the full story below…

‘ AITA for making homemade food for everyone except my brother’s stepdaughter?’

I (27F) am not a professional chef, but I have taken a bunch of cooking classes and love making elaborate meals for friends and family. About two years ago my brother, Greg (25M) married Cheryl (34F). Cheryl has a daughter from a previous relationship (Becca, 9F) who has several health conditions, including celiac and a severe dairy allergy that requires her to carry an epi-pen.

Last weekend I hosted a dinner at my house for my parents’ wedding anniversary. I made a fancy five-course dinner and in addition to my parents, I invited four close family friends, Greg, Cheryl and Becca, and my sister, her boyfriend and their twins (both 8M).

Because of Becca’s food restrictions, I found a restaurant in town that specializes in gluten-free, dairy-free (as well as other allergen-free) food, and arranged for them to make a full meal for Becca that I could pick up in advance of the party.

I have made a variety of speciality meals in the past (for example, keto meals when my friend was following that diet) and I like the challenge, but knowing how serious Becca’s restrictions were, I didn’t trust myself to make her meal.

I have ADHD and get easily distracted, and if I even used the wrong spoon or didn’t completely wash some flour off a bowl, it could make her incredibly sick. I thought the “take out” solution was fine, but when I served the food, I saw Cheryl looking at Becca’s plate with a stony face. For her part, Becca started eating and seemed fine.

Cheryl whispered to Greg, and Greg asked if he could talk to me in the kitchen. When we got there he said that it was “unbelievable” that I couldn’t be bothered to make something for Becca, that they’d been bragging about what a great cook I am to her, and that he knew I’d made keto, vegan, and other complicated kinds of food in the past;

now she would feel left out because she didn’t get to eat what the rest of the family was eating. He said that it was obvious that I didn’t care about making his stepdaughter feel like a part of the family, and that they were leaving.

Greg, Cheryl and Becca then left, which put a damper on the rest of the party. I felt like I did my best at the time, but in hindsight, I wonder if I should have tried harder to make Becca feel included since she is a relatively new addition to our family. AITA?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

aimeeruthie88 −  For some reason, I read that and felt sad for you. I’m honestly in disbelief you thought you did something wrong. You were incredibly thoughtful in how you handled ensuring she had a meal suitable for her.

You have ADHD and are well aware that mistakes are so easily made so to ensure you didn’t seriously put this child’s health in danger, you decided the safest option was to contact a restaurant to provide something. I can’t stress this enough, YOU ARE NTA

makethatnoise −  NTA. If you accidently made a keto meal wrong, it would upset their diet. It sounds like if you made Becca’s meal incorrectly, she could have a major medical issue. You’re not wrong for not wanting that stress on you.

SnooRadishes8848 −  I thought that was a great solution and honestly thought this was going another way, other kids wanted take out lol

Altruistic-Paper-847 −  So let me get this straight, your brother called you and A H because you didn’t try to kill his step daughter?! Cross contamination is a real thing! Is he really expecting you to create an elaborate meal for multiple guests, then clean every single inch of your kitchen, possibly buy new utensils,

make the meal again adjusted for ALL their requirements and pray that you don’t mess up?! Better safe with ordering, than trying to accommodate and end up in the ER! NTA! You were an extremely generous and thoughtful host. If her allergies are so severe, I can’t imagine why on earth wouldn’t they check with you in advance what’s the plan for dinner! Their entitlement is astonishing…

ETA: as many pointed out SIL and brother probably expected OP to cook a gluten/ dairy/ all other allergy free meal for the whole family. Well, enjoy your 5 course water… As amuse bouche we have Evian.

Then for starter Perrier. Main course is San Pellegrino. Dessert will be Fiji. And instead of the cheese course we will enjoy a bit of Nestle. All served in paper cups. Here, problem solved! What a way to celebrate…

NotACraicKiller −  I would flat out say, “I was worried I would kill her. It’s not that I don’t care about her; it’s that I care about her enough to ensure I don’t accidentally harm her.” You might also point out that allergies are very different from preferences like keto. (Also, usually it’s the people with the allergies pointing that out; WTF is going on here?)

If anyone questions you or gives you s**t, use words like “hospitalize” or “kill.” It may sound dramatic, but those are legitimate fears, and that blunt wording will help get the point across.

Allaboutbird −  NTA. Celiac and dairy allergies are no joke, and while it’s certainly possible to make a gluten and dairy free meal in a regularly home kitchen, there’s always a possibility of contamination. You did what you thought was safest. They are the AHs for overreacting and making the event all about them, especially when it seems like Becca wasn’t bothered.

Nelly_WM −  Did your brother understand the reason why you ordered her a special meal? That you were concerned about doing something that might make her sick? My SIL has food restrictions and I have never heard her say anything but appreciation when others have done something similar for her.

SnooCrickets4765 −  NTA! Listen, I have kids with severe food allergies. Do you know how every invitation to anyone’s house starts? With having a conversation about food strategy, and usually me offering to bring something special for my kids, because I do not want to make extra work for the host, AND, number one priority, I want my kids safe!

And not just one time, every time, people not living the allergy parent life forget things. Assuming someone else is going to understand how to safely prepare food for a person with allergies, without a conversation, is a recipe for a trip to the ER!

How would the conversation have gone if she had a reaction from cross-contamination? INFO: what is usually done for Becca’s meals, in the 2+ years she’s been part of the family?

Annual_Peanut_7079 −  With all of those allergies and conditions that Becca has, Cheryl should’ve been calling you and asking you what she can do to help with this dinner regarding feeding her own daughter. That is certainly what I would’ve done. I have a teenage son who has severe allergies and celiac, as well as IBS.

I have never have gone anywhere without discussing what the choices are for his meal and whether or not I should be providing it when we go along. Cheryl is the AH. Your brother is caught up in her behavior and is also the AH. Your behavior was kind, thoughtful, and generous. NTA.

PurpleMarsAlien −  NTA. I would be worried about cross-contamination going on in a home kitchen when you’re making not-safe food at the same time too. You probably should have mentioned it to them in advance, but definitely not the a**hole for doing what you did.

Was the Redditor right to prioritize safety over inclusion, or should they have made more of an effort to cook for Becca? How would you balance dietary restrictions with inclusivity? Share your perspective!