AITA for locking up all my belongings because my daughter won’t stop taking my stuff?

A Reddit user (32F) shares frustration over their 12-year-old daughter’s constant habit of taking and hiding belongings, despite repeated conversations about respecting boundaries. To address the issue, the user resorted to locking up personal items, prompting the daughter to complain to her father, who accused the user of mistreating her and threatened to seek custody. Now, the user wonders if they handled the situation poorly.

‘ AITA for locking up all my belongings because my daughter won’t stop taking my stuff?’

32F. My daughter is 12. Now, my daughter is great. She’s super funny, doing well in school, helps around the house without being asked, super artistic (have her artwork hung all over my home and proud of it), etc etc. She’s truly fantastic BUT she has sticky fingers and takes all of my stuff and either claims it’s hers or just takes it because she wants it and says she doesn’t know how it got HIDDEN in her room.

There’s quite literally nothing of mine that she won’t take. It’s been happening for a few years now. Every single time she does it I have a conversation with her about taking my stuff but nothing ever changes. She also takes her siblings belongings too and claims they are hers when I know for a fact it isn’t but that’s far less frequent (like no, the baby teething toy is not yours and neither is the RC Car that your brother got for his birthday a month ago).

Just a few of the things she has taken are things like all of my hair brushes – which get lost in her room (despite her having several hair brushes of her own). My bathrobe (and her 8yo brothers bathrobe that clearly is way too small for her), despite having a few of her own. My winter hat – which she claims is hers simply because she likes it (so I bought her the same exact one and she now takes both of them).

The only belt that I have – and every time I take it back she will come find it again and hide it in her room. All of my make up has become free use to her despite me telling her several times not to touch my make up and her having an entire 6 drawer vanity in her bedroom overflowing with make up. She even uses all of my shampoo and conditioner before she will touch her brand new shampoo and conditioner that I just bought her.

My shoes, despite her feet being bigger than mine. My night shirts and then claiming they are hers, despite me knowing they aren’t because I have had these specific items since before she was even born and they say s**t like “New Mom 2011” on them (“you gave this to me forever ago” – no, I absolutely did not). It’s also food.

Like if I buy everyone a special treat and everyone else saves theirs when she devours hers, she will ask me if she can have everyone else’s treat and I say no, but she will attempt to sneak it when I’m not looking. Whenever I bring anything up to her, it’s always the same excuse. “This is mine” or “you gave this to me” or “I don’t know how it got in my room”. We have a conversation at least twice a week with no changes. I have had to start telling my other kids not to leave anything out of they don’t want it taken by their sister.

So, because there has been zero change and I didn’t know what else to do, I bought locks for pretty much everything. I now lock up my bedroom every time I leave it. I lock up my make up and shampoos. I also locked the boys bedroom doors whenever they are not using them. I have bought a lock for one kitchen cabinet and have put everyone’s special treats away so she will not take them.

Well, she told her dad (we are separated) and he called me fuming mad saying that I’m being ridiculous and making our daughter feel like a t**ef and has threatened to take custody of just her because he doesn’t want our daughter to be “riddled with trauma from mistreatment”. AITA?

ETA: she’s already in therapy. Didn’t realize that was a vital piece of information that would be needed for people to just answer my question. With that said, I have had a conversation with her therapist about this and they have told me that my daughter feels “helpful” when I have to ask her to find things for me.

So basically she will purposely hide s**t so I have to ask her for help, because me asking for help “makes her feel good”. So I have tried to get her to actually help me with things that I do need help with to try and combat the issue but it hasn’t helped at all.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

BrightMarvel10 −  You need to get your daughter a different therapist. One that specialises in kleptomania.

banjadev −  NTA – tell your x she IS a T**EF – by definition! I would shut down that conversation hard. He would never win custody over that – PERIOD. He also probably wouldn’t spend the money on this. It is an empty threat, and probably one he uses when HE doesn’t get what he wants. A b**ly. Don’t get drawn in.

Our youngest had the same issue. He continually went into everyone’s space and took what he wanted. We spoke to him over and over and over. It didn’t stop. So we did the same as you. He got upset of course, but we stuck to our guns. It only lasted a few weeks, and he finally realized that we were serious, and not going to accept his excuses. You are helping your daughter, because when she goes to college or moves out with roommates, they won’t put up with that s**t period. She needs to learn now.

ForwardPlenty −  NTA. You do what you would do with any objectionable behavior from a child. You give them consequences for bad behavior. She knows she can steal anything she wants because there is no consequence for her behavior. Imagin in a few years, when she goes off to college that she is sharing her room with a roommate and she steals all of her stuf. (Yes it is stealing.)

It will be a bad day at red rock when that happens and she gets booted from school. Or she decides that the collegues purse and lunch are fair game and she gets fired for stealing at work. No, consequences for behavior that is unacceptable is not mistreatment. Having no rules or consequencs is mistreatment, and it only gets worse as she gets older.

ToughAd7338 −  Get a new therapist for her. She is not trying to “help”. She is a kleptomaniac and need behavioral therapy.

The_Hermit_09 −  NTA. I would point out that if she steals from everyone in the house, that has got to be having a negative effect of the other kids. It may be painful but consider that if the therapy and locks don’t work, it might be in your other childrens best intrest to let her live with her father.

SeparateCzechs −  This sounds like an actual mental health issue.

Due-Reflection-1835 −  Act like a t**ef, be treated like a t**ef. Better she learns this now than when she starts stealing from her friends. She won’t be allowed at anyone’s house. And her siblings (and you) shouldn’t have to suffer so she can feel “helpful”. Does she do the same thing at her father’s house? And that therapist doesn’t sound very effective.

OnlyThePhantomKnows −  **NTA** Your daughter is 12. She is old enough to understand the concept “this does not belong to you”. There needs to be consequences. Talking isn’t working. (I’m old.) When I was little this behavior would result in a switch or 3 across the wrists. Probably not acceptable in this day and age. Stealing is going to get her in trouble. My mind instantly goes to shoplifting. Your EX is enabling her. You need to teach her boundaries for her own good.

Find a punishment you can live with. Tell her that the next case of stolen goods, she will get <the punishment . WRITE DOWN that statement and tape it to the inside of her door. take a photo of it. It happens, she gets punished. No freebies. If you steal, you get punished. And keep it up. Keep it up through the “I Hate you” chant that you will get. Keep it up through the crying. Keep it up through your EX.

If/when it goes to custody court, that’s where the photo comes in. Explain your situation and your actions with a “I had to resort to this.” She needs to learn. Punishment doesn’t work then consider a pysch. I personally hate them, so I won’t recommend them. It may be a psychological disorder.

SockMaster9273 −  NTA. She probably feels like a t**ef because she is a t**ef. “She steals things because she want’s to be helpful” This is BS. Find a new therapist and actually start punishing your daughter for stealing things. Talks aren’t working so maybe take away her things and make her loose privileges.

OliveMammoth6696 −  NTA. She IS a t**ef that’s the problem. She’s in therapy and you’ve already had countless conversations with her about it. There’s either something mentally wrong or she’s just a j**k. She’s not going to learn her lesson if you don’t do anything. Does her father want her to end up in juvie???

Also if you present actual evidence to the judge I highly doubt he’s change the custody order, he’s probably mandate that she gets even more therapy. But don’t quote me on that. If there are never consequences for her actions then they’re gonna continue and get worse.