AITA for listing out a woman’s insecurities?

An 18-year-old went on a date with “Elsie” and shared a personal story about being bullied in school. When Elsie mentioned she was bullied for her red hair, the poster complimented her by describing her features as embodying medieval European beauty standards.

However, Elsie took offense, seeing the comments as highlighting her insecurities, and left the date upset. Despite attempts to apologize and clarify, the poster is unsure if they were wrong. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for listing out a woman’s insecurities?’

A few days ago, I (18F) went on a date with “Elsie” (19F). I had only met her briefly while volunteering and so most of it for me was just getting an idea of who I was talking to. She asked me what my experience in secondary school was like, and I mentioned that I used to get bullied.

Elsie said she used to get bullied for her appearance at school, particularly for her red hair. I said she was a perfect example of medieval western-European beauty standards. She asked how, so I listed some – she’s very pale, has wavy fair/red hair, a high forehead, a long nose, etc.

She stood up, almost in tears, and said I’d just pointed out all her insecurities. She left before I could apologise properly (all I managed to say was “Oh, I’m sorry” with no further explanation). She hasn’t contacted me since then though I have tried to reach out.

I’m definitely missing something as I’ve been trying to work out why her reaction was so extreme when I thought I was complimenting her, but I can’t really piece it together (being autistic certainly has at least something to do with it).. AITA?

Edit: I am a woman, by the way (lesbians exist). And for all those saying I should know how “women” think about their appearance, we aren’t a monolith. What I think about my own appearance, and how I would feel about this description is different to how Elsie or any other woman would.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

SkyComplex2625 −  It wasn’t really a compliment though since it isn’t currently medieval Europe. You also didnt say YOU found her attractive. Would you consider it a compliment if I said “Your body type was the ideal of the Tang Dynasty because they loved fat chicks”

nefarious_planet −  YTA, but it seems like you’re genuinely confused so like, gentle YTA. She was trying to connect with you, and she shared something vulnerable that probably negatively impacted her. Think about the way you felt, being bullied for your appearance.

She felt the same way, because the same thing happened to her. She tried to share that with you, and what you said next probably came across as incredibly invalidating. It’s not clear from your post what your intention was in bringing up Western Medieval beauty standards,

but to her it very likely came across as you telling her she couldn’t possibly have been bullied for her appearance because she’s conventionally attractive and therefore her experience was not as “real” as yours.

That’s hurtful to hear, especially when she was trying to be vulnerable and connect with you. As for her comment about how you listed out her insecurities, that’s not really your fault because you couldn’t have known what het insecurities were. 

MethodofMadness2342 −  YTA because this is a really weird thing to say to someone. It’s not a compliment to list out racial traits like that. Its also not a compliment to call someone medievally attractive. All you have to say is “I’m sorry you were bullied” and maybe “I find you attractive”.

One of my other friends constantly “doesn’t understand” why pointing out someone is fat is rude even if they were saying well akshually people in Rome admired fat bodies. This is in the same vein. You dont bring up specific physical traits that people have problems with no matter the reason. It’s never a compliment.

Potato4 −  You were unintentionally mean. Medieval beauty standards are not current standards and the things you stated so bluntly are not all compliments. Just don’t evaluate people according to any beauty standards out loud to their face and you should be fine. YTA.

Maj_sa −  Soft YTA When she said that she got bullied for her looks, it probably wasn’t the smartest move to list things about her appearance. Especially since you listed medieval beauty standards, those aren’t modern anymore, so it’s not really a compliment.

Worth-Season3645 −  YTA…Really? You basically just told a first date how she was u**y. How is telling any one that they have a high fore head, long nose a compliment? What you could have said is that I find your red hair very appealing and beautiful. Stop contacting her. Her first impression of you is done. Learn from this and move on.

Few-Product-9937 −  I’m torn on this. On one hand you must have known the term “long nose” would not be considered a compliment. Neither is the high forehead comment for that matter.

However you had no way of knowing these were her insecurities so mostly NTA. Just apologize and wait to hear back from her, if she doesn’t respond accept that it’s over and leave her alone.

9and3of4 −  YTA, a little bit. It’s really not a compliment when it’s called “medieval”. In that context it kinda sounds like you’re listing everything about her that’s not up to modern standards.

AsparagusOverall8454 −  “A high forehead and a long nose” Dude..you stuck your foot so far in your mouth,. Im sure you’re probably choking.

daja-kisubo −  NAH, you did nothing wrong by listing attributes you found attractive, but she wasn’t an a**hole for having those insecurities after being bullied, either. I hope she has a good therapist. No one’s an a**hole, just a date that didn’t work out to turn into a deeper relationship. It happens, figuring out those sorts of incompatibilities is what dating is for!

Did the poster unintentionally strike a nerve, or was it an overreaction on Elsie’s part? This raises questions about how intent and perception can clash, especially in sensitive conversations. What’s your take on the situation? Share your thoughts below!