AITA for letting my daughter wear whatever she is comfortable in, in my house?

In today’s evolving world of blended families and shifting cultural landscapes, one father finds himself at a crossroads over an issue that goes beyond mere clothing choices. After a divorce and amidst a shared custody arrangement, he faces a sensitive dilemma when his 12-year-old daughter insists on dressing in a way that makes her feel comfortable. At his house, she has the freedom to choose her own style, while her mother and new husband enforce a strict religious dress code at their home. This clash of values raises questions about autonomy, cultural influence, and parental responsibility.

The tension in this situation is palpable. The father, who embraces an open-minded and secular perspective, is determined that his daughter should never be forced to conform to rules she doesn’t agree with. His stance is not only about fashion but about respecting her personal choice and comfort, especially during these formative years. This story invites us to consider how different households can honor a child’s right to choose while navigating the complexities of co-parenting across divergent cultural and religious practices.

‘AITA for letting my daughter wear whatever she is comfortable in, in my house?’

First, I am a (37M). My ex wife, “Deanna” (36F) and I have 2 kids, our daughter “Jane” (12F) and our son “Eddie” (10M). We got married semi young at 23 and 24, we divorced amicably five years ago. Deanna recently married a man she has been seeing for a few years, who I will call “A.” Something I need to bring up here is that I am half Mexican, Deanna is a white woman, and A is of Middle Eastern descent.

While I wouldn’t say A and I are friends, I do think he’s a pretty nice guy, and seems like a really good match for Deanna. The kids also like him, so that’s another bonus in my book. Deanna and I split custody of the kids. HOWEVER. Deanna and A got married two months ago. Since then, Deanna has chosen to wear a covering, which I am sorry but the name slips my mind. She converted to A’s religion as well.

Which, I’m very happy about if that’s what she wants. But last week, when she dropped off the kids, I was surprised to see that Jane was wearing one as well. But, I assumed she must have wanted to wear it and was maybe deciding to convert her faith as well, so I didn’t bring it up. I feel that she’s old enough to decide for herself, and as an atheist myself, I’m all for my children choosing what they believe.

A few days ago, I was going to go see a movie with my kids but told them I had to finish some paperwork in my office first, which took about half an hour. When I walked back into the living room, Jane was wearing one of Eddie’s t shirts and a pair of shorts. We had a conversation which kind of went like this:

Me: what’s going on? Jane, are you supposed to take off your covering? (I don’t really know how any of it works, sorry if that offends anyone). Eddie: she hates wearing that stuff. So I let her borrow some of my clothes. Jane: yeah dad, I hate it. Mom makes me wear it. She says I have to wear it all the time, even at your house. Me: so, you aren’t choosing to wear it?. Jane: no. I never want to wear it again.

I checked her bag, and sure enough, it contained tank tops underwear, and the coverings (which cover the hair and body, but not the face.) I took the kids on a quick target trip before the movie to get Jane some clothes of her liking. Two days ago, when Deanna came by to pick up the kids, she flipped out on Jane for not wearing the traditional clothing.

Deanna and I got into a heated argument, and I told her that Jane shouldn’t HAVE TO wear the covering if she doesn’t want to, especially because it’s very hot in our city. Deanna argued that she and the kids are now different amd follow a stricter religion.

I might be the a-hole because I argued back that it is stupid that the religion would force young girls to cover up so much all the time and be so strict about it. Deanna took offense, and left with the kids. I feel bad because I don’t want to insult a while country or countries but I don’t think my daughter should have to wear anything she doesn’t want to. AITA?

When family dynamics intersect with cultural and religious practices, the balance between respecting traditions and honoring individual autonomy can become delicate. In this case, the father argues that his daughter should have the freedom to decide what makes her comfortable, especially when she clearly expresses dislike for the covering imposed on her by her mother and stepfather. According to psychologist Dr. Susan Golombok, “It is crucial for children’s emotional well-being that they are allowed to form their own identities free from coercion” . This insight underscores the importance of nurturing a supportive environment where a child’s choices are respected.

Examining the situation further, one can see the challenge in balancing cultural sensitivity with a child’s personal rights. The father’s concern centers on the potential harm of enforcing a dress code that does not align with his daughter’s wishes. Small acts of autonomy, such as choosing one’s attire, are vital in building self-esteem and a sense of control over one’s identity. The enforced covering, in this case, is more than just a garment; it symbolizes a broader imposition of beliefs that may not resonate with the child’s own values.

Furthermore, co-parenting across different cultural and religious lines often requires careful negotiation. While the mother’s decision to adopt a stricter dress code may reflect her new faith and desire for consistency in her household, it raises a significant ethical concern when applied to a young child. Experts argue that in such situations, mediation or family counseling can be a constructive way to ensure that the child’s voice is not drowned out by adult agendas. By involving professionals, parents can work together to create a respectful space that honors both cultural heritage and the child’s personal growth.

Additionally, legal experts note that in custody arrangements, each parent is typically allowed to set reasonable boundaries during their parenting time. As long as the child’s well-being is prioritized, there is room for flexibility in how cultural practices are enforced. Ultimately, the key is ensuring that the child’s comfort and individuality are maintained without disparaging either parent’s beliefs. This balanced approach not only protects the child’s rights but also fosters an environment of mutual respect and open communication.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

The Reddit community has been vocal about this issue, with many expressing strong support for the father’s stance. Commenters have denounced the idea of forcing a young girl to conform to a dress code she rejects, calling it an infringement on her personal freedom. Some even advise legal action to ensure that her rights are protected during her time at her father’s house.

CrewelSummer −  NTA. So the covering is called a hijab, but Islam does NOT require women to cover. Plenty of Muslim women are not hijabi. The decision to cover, ideally, should be a personal one. One that you feel personally called/lead to. Plenty of Muslim women adopt the hijab well into adulthood and/or also go through times of covering and not covering for this reason. What I’m saying is: you’re not wrong, but you’re blaming the wrong thing.

It’s Deanna and A’s decision to make her cover like this. They are the ones who have this requirement for her, and they are blaming religion so that they don’t personally look like the bad guys for instituting modesty rules. Tell them that their modesty rules are for their house only. And you may even find allies within their religious community who would vehemently oppose a girl being forced to cover against her will, especially when her father opposes this. Perhaps even their Imam.

Wonderful-Teach8210 −  NTA and you better take steps in court to make sure you shut this nonsense down now. Jane is only 12? They are going to make her life a living hell in her teens if you allow this to continue. This is not a my house my rules situation and it isn’t about comfort or solidarity or being PC. Your wife is allowing her husband to force his own religion on your daughter, a child over whom he has absolutely no authority. Shut it down.

chillumbaby −  Go back to court and get custody of your daughter before they take her out of the country.

lmmontes −  I’d head to court. She (the mom) is an AH to force her daughter (and son, too?) into a religion just because she married someone. NTA in any way. Stand up for your daughter and her choices.

FloridianPhilosopher −  Your ex and her new husband are attempting to forcibly convert your daughter against her will and live by the values of a faith she doesn’t practice… There should be more anger in this post. Protect your daughter.

ladyteruki −  NTA. Get a separate lawyer for your daughter if you can afford it (Jane needs to have her interests represented, and you’ll want to avoid the appearances of trying to weaponize the situation) and/or reach out to your divorce lawyer. This needs to be in writing before more rules keep being implemented, in fact I’m fairly sure that there have been other signs that your children are being converted against their will but they were not as obvious as the clothing.

It’s not insulting a country or a religion to do everything you can for your children’s consent to be respected ; it would only be if you used this incident to make generalizations about it. I might be the a-hole because I argued back that it is stupid that the religion would force young girls to cover up so much all the time and be so strict about it.

…Well ok, yes, that’s a bad look. But you were angry because you found out that your daughter is forced to adopt a religion she did not choose. Try to avoid saying things like that in the future, particularly if you go the legal route and need to be above board at all times.

[Reddit User] −  This is how brainwashing starts. The mother should be protecting her kid from her new husband and she obviously isn’t so u need to, involve the law, social services etc. The kid has already said they don’t like wearing it. Red flags all over this one!. NTA shut this s**t down

PumpkinPowerful3292 −  NTA – You are both parents in co-custody. Unless if ordered by a court (may be coming?), Jane can wear whatever you and she decide is fine while you have her on your parenting time at your house, it doesn’t matter what your wife and new hubby decide is best for them at their house. They can parent their way at their house and you can parent the way you wish at your house. But be prepared if this taken to family court.

MaudeBaggins −  NTA – please speak to a lawyer and get full custody of your girl. She is going to have miserable teenage years with a stepfather forcing her into a very conservative religion. You need to find out how strict their views are and you need to protect your daughter. Safeguarding your daughter is far more important that not insulting someone’s religion.

ullrmad13 −  NTA You’re daughter should not be forced to do something she doesn’t want to do, especially when she’s at your house. Stand strong on this and your daughter will appreciate it for the rest of her life.

This story raises important questions about autonomy, cultural influence, and the right of a child to choose what makes her comfortable. How can co-parents with differing cultural or religious practices work together to respect a child’s individual preferences? What steps might help safeguard the emotional well-being of children caught between conflicting worlds? Share your thoughts and experiences below—your insights could help others navigate similar challenges in co-parenting and cultural negotiation.