AITA for leaving the table when my grandparents trash talked my sister?

A Reddit user (17F) recounts a situation where they walked away from a family dinner after their grandparents started trash-talking their older sister. The family history is complicated, with the user’s biological mother having passed away when they were a baby, and their stepmother (referred to as their mom) coming into the picture a few years later.

Tensions have existed for years between the user’s sister and stepmother, particularly after their sister threw away photos of the stepmother’s late daughter, an act of retaliation for their stepmother having disposed of the user’s biological mother’s belongings.

Now that the sister is an adult with no contact with their parents, the user remains close to both sides but finds themselves caught in the middle. When the grandparents harshly criticized the sister during dinner, the user asked them to stop, but when they continued, the user walked away, upsetting the rest of the family. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for leaving the table when my grandparents trash talked my sister?’

For clarity, I was really young (3/4) when the biggest part of the backstory happened so I don’t remember how it went down but I know this has been an issue for years.
My mother died when I (17f) was 18 months old and my sister was 7. Dad met my mom and married her when I was 3. Or at least that’s the timeline I know.

My mom had a daughter before meeting dad who died when she was still a baby. So both knew grief. My mom wasn’t comfortable with having photos of my mother around the house or living in a house that felt like my mother’s house vs hers. So they packed up all our mother’s stuff and disposed of them.

My sister was really angry at that and I get why. I also get why my mom felt the way she did. I think it was handled badly. My sister retaliated and she disposed of all the photos mom had of her late daughter. She said since mom could get rid of mom since she wasn’t comfortable, my sister felt she could get rid of the kid who made her uncomfortable.

This was a really big and defining moment in my family because my mom was always very hurt by this and my sister has never regretted it. But it’s mutual on the part of disposing of mom’s things. My parents always said it was the right thing to do to make it a home for our family as it existed after my parents marriage.

My mom and sister were never close and their relationship has always been SO strained. My dad and sister also have a tense relationship. But me? I have a close relationship with all three and love all three. I never wanted to lose any of them because they’re all important to me.

My sister is an adult now and has basically no contact with my parents but we spend time together and she lets me sleepover at her house for sister sleepovers and we go shopping together and hang out. She’s someone I consider to be one of my best friends.

My parents also understand. I know they hate how bad things are between them and my sister but a line was drawn and my sister doesn’t want to have them in her life. I respect this like she respects that I love them and only remember them as my parents.

My mom’s parents (grandparents) don’t like my sister and I didn’t realize they felt as strongly as I did before yesterday when we were all having dinner together (parents, grandparents and me). My grandparents trash talked my sister over what she did to the photos of mom’s daughter and how evil she was for never regretting it or saying sorry because they were the only photos they had.

I asked them to please stop because she’s my sister. But they continued and made it very clear they hated her for it. I left the table. This really annoyed them and upset my parents who didn’t like me just walking away like that.. AITA?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Comfortable-Sea-2454 −  NTA. My mom wasn’t comfortable with having photos of my mother around the house or living in a house that felt like my mother’s house vs hers. So they packed up all our mother’s stuff and disposed of them. They should have been kept for your older sister not thrown away.

My sister retaliated and she disposed of all the photos mom had of her late daughter. She said since mom could get rid of mom since she wasn’t comfortable, my sister felt she could get rid of the kid who made her uncomfortable..

Perfectly logical to a 7 year old. My mom’s parents (grandparents) don’t like my sister and I didn’t realize they felt as strongly as I did before yesterday when we were all having dinner together (parents, grandparents and me).

My grandparents trash talked my sister over what she did to the photos of mom’s daughter and how evil she was for never regretting it or saying sorry because they were the only photos they had. I asked them to please stop because she’s my sister.

But they continued and made it very clear they hated her for it. I left the table. This really annoyed them and upset my parents who didn’t like me just walking away like that. Your grandparents are way out of line for trash talking your older sister and not acknowledging that what your mom did was wrong as well.

ThreeDogs2022 −  NTA. What your sister did at 7 was mean but also reasonable from the perspective of a 7 year old. She was not intellectually capable of understanding how bad it was. And this DIRECTLY because your step mother and your father did something truly heinous, evil and a**sive to a little girl who was profoundly devastated by the loss of her mommy.

I know you love your mom but kid, she’s not a good person. At all. Like. Not even a little bit. Your parents are both vile people. You’re in the middle of it now, and since you’ve always seen your mom as mom, she has no reason to be cruel to you.

I assure you that if you ever expressed any regret about not knowing your biological mother or having keepsakes of that brief time in your life, she’d turn on you just as easily. I expect a few years from now, you’re going to have to struggle and grapple with this, and you’re probably going to have a few really tough moments. I hope you’re able to get in with someone to talk to as these things happen.

DesertSong-LaLa −  NTA – You respectfully requested they stop trash talking and when they declined you removed yourself. Your actions were appropriate. You set a reasonable boundary. Your mom wanted to erase your birth mother from your family and the adults are OK with this…..it’s not OK.

Meanwhile your sister’s actions (that mirrored your mom’s acts) are viewed as vile. Your family regards the mom as the golden family member and your sister is the black sheep. The adults never took responsibility to preserve your mom’s ‘presence’ while her daughters grew up. This is egregious. Best to you.

DJ_Too_Supreme_AITA −  NTA. My grandparents trash talked my sister over what she did to the photos of mom’s daughter and how evil she was for never regretting it or saying sorry because they were the only photos they had.

So it is “evil” that your sister destroyed the photos but it is fine for your mom to get rid of her late mom’s stuff because she was uncomfortable? I mean, it is understandable that a 7 year old would do what she did because some lady (from her pov at the time) is basically trying to replace her mom and is getting rid of her late mom’s stuff.

HappySummerBreeze −  Nta but you need to stop sitting on the fence. These grandparents who you choose to love are ok with a child having their dead parent’s mementos torn from them, but they’re not ok with an adult having a similar thing happen. That’s just child abuse plain and simple. You’re choosing to love child abusers.

LouisV25 −  NTA. Now you see how they view people that don’t fit into their fantasy. I’m proud of your sister. Turnabout is fair play. I’m glad you and your sister have a relationship and that she doesn’t hold it against you that you call her mom.

At the end of the day, Dad and step are the AHs. It’s one thing to pack it away. It’s another thing to destroy it. She was successful in getting you to see her as Mom now she wants to destroy your view of your sister the way she did of your mom.

RenEss77 −  Nta. They effed up. You weren’t as affected because you were so little, but it was probably an extremely traumatizing event for your sister. If they’re that damn clueless after all these years then none of them are nice people. And how are those the only photos they have? Even before the digital era we still had negatives to reprint.

Individual_Metal_983 −  NTA. Your sister was a little girl who remembered her mother and was faced by having all of her things disposed of. Not put out of sight. Erased. That was an appalling thing to do to a little girl and clearly hurt your sister. THEY as adults cannot see that what they did was wrong.

But at the same time they cannot forgive the little girl who retaliated in kind. Well their plan to erase your mother really backfired, didn’t it? Your parents and grandparents are wrong. And you were right to get up and leave the table when they started on about her. She has a lot more maturity and dignity than them.

Madmattylock −  NTA. Your stepmother and her parents are AHs. PS, so is your father.

Inabeautifuloblivion −  NTA but if you become a parent, one day it will hit you how it would feel to you and your kids to be forcefully erased from your children’s lives and futures if you died.

Do you think the user was justified in walking away to protect their relationship with their sister, or should they have stayed at the table to keep the peace? How would you handle being stuck in the middle of family tension like this? Share your thoughts!