AITA for leaving the room after my bf “surprised” me?

A 23-year-old woman had been eagerly waiting for her boyfriend’s return after a month-long trip, preparing decorations and his favorite snacks. However, he informed her last-minute that he wanted to stay an extra day at his sister’s house.

After being upset and crying, she found out that he had actually surprised her by coming back on the original day. When he arrived, she was distant and explained that she felt hurt by his actions, which led to him getting mad and accusing her of being unreasonable. Her friend also thinks she might have overreacted. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for leaving the room after my bf “surprised” me?’

My(23f) bf(26M) had been away for almost a month and was supposed to return this morning from his trip, but told me that in the last minute he decided that he wanted to stay one more day at his sister’s (who he hadn’t seen in a while) place.

I had been waiting excitedly for an entire month just to see him, made some decorations and wore his favourite clothes, ordered his favourite snacks etc., and was very disappointed and upset when he changed his plan last minute.

He had no particular reason to want to stay one extra day, so that made me even more upset. The thing is, he has surprised me in the past by showing up earlier than he was supposed to, so i asked him at least 5 times whether he’s lying to me because he wants to surprise me, because if he is,

I would be really upset to be disappointed only to realise that it is not real and do not want to go through a set of negative emotions for no reason. He said he is being genuine and even sent me screenshot of the “cancelled” ticket. So, i let it go and took down the decor, changed, ate some of the snacks and cried myself to sleep.

But guess what happens? He shows up on the day (today morning) he was supposed to. I was obviously happy to see him but not as enthusiastic as I should have been. He asked me why I was being somewhat dry and distant,

so I explained that I had told him very clearly that I did not want to feel disappointed for no reason and him telling me intricate lies that made me feel really sad, only to show up anyways made me feel like he did not value my feelings.

He got mad and said I was being unreasonable because “everyone likes surprises”. I told him that while usually I do too, this absolutely did not feel like a surprise, and left the room and went to my friend’s room.

I got a bunch of text messages from him saying I am being unreasonable and that I am overreacting. My friend also thinks that maybe I am being a bit unreasonable to leave him alone when I haven’t seen him in so long, so now I feel a little guilty for walking out; AITA?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Cultural_Section_862 −  NTA he enjoys lowering your mood so when he does something “nice” it has a larger impact in his mind.  if you’re mood is already at an 8 and him coming home as planned would raise your mood to a 10, well he only made you 2 more happy, but if he drops your mood to a 3,

then raises it to a 10 well he gets to pat himself on the back for making you 7 happy! He’s purposely ignoring all the times he subtracts from you happiness and is only wanting to boast about the good bits

KimB-booksncats-11 −  “He said he is being genuine and even sent me screenshot of the “cancelled” ticket. So, i let it go and took down the decor, changed, ate some of the snacks and cried myself to sleep.” Explain this to him. Also point out what he did was NOT a surprise as much as it was a trick.

Also, NO, not everybody likes surprises. Quite a few people do not like them in fact. You clarified with him that you wouldn’t enjoy it (in fact would be upset) if he was lying about coming home a day later and he doubled down. You took down the decor, put up the snacks and cried yourself to sleep.

Then he has the audicity to show up the next morning and be upset you weren’t jumping for joy. I would have dumped the cat’s waterbowl on his head. He completey and utterly disrespected your feelings to do something you explicitly stated you wouldn’t enjoy and would in fact upset you for his own enjoyment.

NTA. Does he respect you at all? If this is normal behavior I’d be rethinking the relationship. If he’s still in denial about your valid response have him read the responses below where I have no doubt he’s getting ripped to shreds.

SnarkyBeanBroth −  He lied to you, so that you would be upset. So that he could “surprise” you. That’s not surprising someone, that’s disappointing and hurting them intentionally so you can swoop in and be the momentary hero.

This is the emotional equivalent of tripping someone so you can get credit for taking care of their bruises afterwards. NTA. But he’s not a nice guy, and he’s showing you who he is. Please believe him.

Significant_Cat_3 −  NTA. It’s giving the same vibe as a group of friends or family pretending they forgot someone’s birthday, and then surprising them at the end of the day with a party. The issue is that the birthday person probably suffered the entire day for no good reason thinking that they were forgotten.

As you explained, he knowingly upset you in order to hopefully get a nice big reaction. He still went through with it even after you clarified that you would be really upset if he was lying the night before.

Leviosahhh −  NTA. My ex surprised me by flying my sister in. He had said it was his mom coming back from a trip she was on before the holidays and said she asked us to pick her up. Awesome. Sounds good. Then her flights delayed. No worries.

Then she wants to get dinner with a friend after the flight all of a sudden and then have us pick her up, so we have to turn around and head home and wait, and then head back to the air port.

Only, no changes ever occurred. He just wanted to build up suspense and anticipation but by the time we got to the airport I’m f**king pissed at his mom for not being able to decide her plans while we’re driving in circles around the airport around the holidays, when it wasn’t even real.

So when I finally see my sister, I’m surprised, then I give my sister a huge hug and shes like, “why do you seem mad right now?” And I explain that bf kept lying to me in circles for no reason because he just didn’t think I was excited enough. His first lie worked.

He didn’t need to stress me out and keep changing the story. She had no idea why he did that either. We broke up less than a month after that. Some people are just controlling and want to elicit a specific reaction from others and they’re blissfully unaware of how s**tty it is to make people feel bad so they can stage their interactions.

They care more about making sure things happen the way they’ve pictured in their head than their partners feelings. Your boyfriend turned an exciting reunion you’d been looking forward to in to a crappy situation where he manipulated every aspect of it for no reason.

It’s controlling and weird for him to lie to you just so you can be disappointed and then excited again.

MissGubbins −  NTA, you told him clearly before he did it and he still did it. You also literally cried yourself the night before. Yeah people like surprises but not when part of the surprise includes putting you through hell

Tanyec −  His “surprise” was just doing what he was supposed to be doing to start with. So instead of putting effort into an actual thoughtful surprise or even gesture, he put in work into bringing your emotions down in a crappy attempt to make you happy about him just doing what he was already going to do.

That’s s**tty. And it’s even shittier that he did so after you specifically and multiple times asked him not to do just what he ended up doing. He doesn’t care about your feelings; he cares about doing what he wants to do more.. ETA: NTA obviously. But he is.

real_boiled_cabbage2 −  Seems like you’ve also surprised him by leaving, feeling hurt, and being mad. How does HE like his surprise?

Vikingdeath1 −  “Everyone Likes Surprises”?!??. NTA . I HATE Surprises! They are usually BAD! What an insane statement! EVERYONE does not like surprises, s**ew this guy, how presumptuous of him.

While your disappointment and frustration are valid, it seems like there was a miscommunication around expectations, and your boyfriend may not have fully understood how his actions impacted you. The surprise, though well-intentioned, backfired, and it might have been better to express your feelings in a calmer way. That said, walking out was a dramatic response that may have escalated things unnecessarily. What do you think? share your thoughts below!