AITA for leaving my rescheduled birthday lunch after the original was cancelled?
A 24-year-old woman rescheduled her birthday lunch after her father canceled it to travel with his pregnant wife to her home country. Despite her efforts, she was not informed about changes to the rescheduled lunch’s timing and arrived late, only to find her father’s dog at her grandparents’ house,
which created logistical issues for her own dog. Overwhelmed and upset by the disorganization and lack of communication, she decided to leave after giving her grandfather his birthday gift. Her father apologized but later called her a “brat” as she left. read the original story below…
‘ AITA for leaving my rescheduled birthday lunch after the original was cancelled?’
I am 24F and it is my 25th birthday next week and I share my birthday with my Grandfather. My parents split when I was young and I have been an only child my entire life. I don’t ask for much, and I’m a chronic people pleaser.
My dad is in his 50s and has a wife 20 years his junior who is pregnant with their/her first child. She is from a different country that is 10+ hours away.
I had a birthday lunch scheduled for next weekend which was planned around my Dad’s schedule.
However my dad called me on Thursday and said joyfully “I’m flying to *wife’s home country* on Tuesday so family lunch is cancelled” . I asked some follow up questions and found out that her family is going to a theme park.
He asked if I had plans for the weekend, and I told him I did because I’d already organised multiple things with multiple people. I ended the call and cried. I talked to my friends, cancelled my plans and rescheduled the family lunch for Saturday (36 hours from phone call to the new lunch)
Everything gets organised and it gets to Saturday. I am 30 minutes into the 2 hour drive to my parents town and get a call from my grandmother asking where I am. I has aimed to arrive at 12:00, I left late and there was traffic so my arrival time was planned for 12:45pm. Lunch is always 12/12:30.
My grandmother tells me my Dad had moved lunch to 11:30 and no one had informed me, I was the only person who needed to travel more than 20 minutes. I spoke to my grandmother about dropping my dog to her house before lunch as I would be staying in the area the night, and couldn’t have him at the venue.
She was more than happy with this and said my dad’s dog wouldn’t be there, which was necessary as the dogs do not get along. I continue on the drive, and the family chat has messages relating to people arriving and my dad being late.
It’s 12:45 and I get to my grandparents house, and I see my dad’s dog in the window. He’d dropped him off and didn’t tell anyone. I now have no where to take my dog and am on the brink of tears. I go to lunch and wish my grandfather a happy birthday and give him his present but let him know I will not be staying.
I tell him about the dog situation and a family member commented that I looked like I was about to break down. I told them I’d had a terrible week, and I pretty much was. My dad’s wife says they can take their dog somewhere else and I tell her it’s too late, so she just gets up from the table and walks away.
I go to leave and my dad stopped me. He said he knew he’d hurt me, he’d had a sleepless night, he was sorry and wanted me to stay. I told him I didn’t want to stay, yes he had hurt me and I wanted to leave. He let me go and then stopped me again and said “You’re being a real b**t.”. So I left and I didn’t go back.. AITA?
Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:
Misty2484 − NTA. Your dad really, really sucks though. He knew he hurt you and when you didn’t just tell him it was ok that he mistreated you he called you names. He’s 50 and acting like he’s 5.
I’m so sorry your dad is treating you this way, remember that you don’t have to interact with him if you’re not ready/comfortable. Kids, including adult kids, don’t owe their parents anything and deserve to be treated with respect at the very least. You’re not being treated with respect so you have no obligation to show him any either.
archetyping101 − NTA. Rescheduling a birthday meal so they can go to an amusement park doesn’t exactly scream “my daughter’s 25th birthday is important to me!” And then to say you’re being a real b**t is just the icing on the cake.
He didn’t care. His wife also didn’t care. No one bothered to update you that lunch was moved up. No one said your dad brought the dog. It seems like you’re an afterthought and to feel that way at your shared birthday meal is awful.
dryadduinath − You didn’t do… anything? IMHO. Your father engineered this whole situation. He made sure you wouldn’t get there in time, he made sure you wouldn’t be able to stay, and he doesn’t get to call you a b**t when you do what he made sure you would do.
If I had to guess, he’s just a thoughtless selfish man. …I doubt he had a sleepless night over hurting you, though. Actions are speaking louder on that front. . NTA.
AnonAnontheAnony − NTA – this is a very tragic set of events that culminated in places far from love. No, and I hope you find some peace for your 25th. Happy birthday op, and may you find some calm after your experiences.
dazechong − Nta. Big internet hug. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’d go low contact with dad and surround myself with people who actually loves you. You are not a b**t. He’s being defensive cos he knows he screwed up. But it’s not your job to make him feel better.
Also, I was (still am? But better) also a people pleaser and I’ve learned that saying no is easier than imagined. If something feels uncomfortable and you can’t pinpoint why, don’t say yes right away just to stop them from stressing you out, but say I’ll think about it and let you know.
Give it some time and if you still feel uncomfortable, say no. It’s helped me in situations where I’d say yes just to make someone happy.
WhereWeretheAdults − Dad did everything he could to set you up to fail. Everything in your story is HIS fault. No one else’s. You are not a b**t, you are not the AH. You dad is the AH. Your dad decided he wanted to hurt you and manipulate you and he did.
When you didn’t accept his public “apology,” he immediately went into the victim mode. The only victim here is you. Dad wanted to hurt you, he did, and now he’s the one with the hurt feelings. Classic a**sive manipulator.
Edit: I had another thought. If this is new behavior from your dad, he may be trying to move you out of grandpa’s will. This was all targeted around grandpa’s birthday and doing everything he could to make you miss it. People who are willing to hurt their child like this are also capable of being selfish, greedy AHs.
Aware_Welcome_8866 − NTA. He felt guilty bc you didn’t accept his apology and so he made the situation about you so he wouldn’t have to feel his feelings. You are NOT a b**t. You made the trip and celebrated your Grandpa’s birthday. A b**t doesn’t do that.
I have days like this, when it’s just all too much and I just need to go home and have a good cry and try again the next day. I really felt your disappointment and frustration. I’m sure I would have done the same. Have a good cry and I hope tomorrow is a much better day
Is-this-rabbit − Your Dad’s a selfish ass. In future, if your Dad tries to change arrangements, just carry on without him. You know this is only going to get worse when the baby arrives, just be ready for it. Stop letting him push you around.
snarkness_monster − “You’re being a real b**t.” The only proper response is “Yes, dad, you are.” What are piece of work. NTA
TemperatureTight465 − Never, never let your father plan anything again. Do not accommodate him if he ask for a change. You are an adult and you need to take control of your life and learn how to operate around him.
Was walking away from the chaos justified, or should she have stayed to keep the peace? Did her father’s actions show a lack of respect for her effort? Share your thoughts below!