AITA for leaving my marriage after finding out my husband has a child?

A woman learns her husband has an 8-year-old daughter from a past relationship—a child he didn’t know about until recently. Both had agreed early on that they didn’t want to raise someone else’s children. Despite his pleas to stay and work through this change together, she feels unable to take on the role of stepmother and decides to leave the marriage. Read the full story below…

‘ AITA for leaving my marriage after finding out my husband has a child?’

My husband (29m) didn’t know he had a daughter (8) until a few months ago. We have been married for just over two years and something we both were on the same page about from day one was neither one of us was interested in stepparenting or dating/marrying someone with kids. So when I (28f) found out he had a child already, and we had it confirmed, I knew this would no longer work for me.

He saw it coming too and he tried to convince me to stay, and he tried to make it seem like it should be okay even though he wouldn’t stay in a role reversal (and he admitted it). We have argued over it because he wants us to stay married, raise his daughter and have the kids we planned on having. He thinks I should be able to handle being a stepmom now.

He even said we don’t have to deal with any ex drama. But he has a grieving and angry child who lost her mom two years ago, lived with her aunt and then was shipped off by the aunt to a father she never knew. It’s a lot and she has been through so much and is actively going through so much.

She’s grieving and angry and she doesn’t want to be with him or to lose everyone she knew by being sent states away from the only home she knew. There is so much help and support she needs. And I’m not the person to give it to her. My husband’s family are disappointed and have wanted to talk about it but I told them there’s no changing my mind.

I already moved out of the house we lived in because it wasn’t fair to drag it out. We’ve been living apart for months and I already filed but he wants me to change my mind and he wants me to consider therapy to try and work through this. He said I shouldn’t throw our life away together over him having a child he didn’t know about.

There have been more attempts in the last month from him and his family to get me to call off the divorce and his mom told me they (the family) love me and would hate to lose me from the family. And that I’m stronger than I realize. The whole thing boils down to though, that even though I do love my husband, I am not happy he has a child with someone else. She’s dead, yes.

There’s no competition or anything there. But I’m not happy that there is a child to begin with and I don’t believe I would ever feel she’s my own. I always knew raising someone else’s kids wasn’t something I would be willing for. I know this is selfish on my part and I am fine with that. But does this make me a horrible person or an AH in the case of what’s going on? That’s what I’m here to find out. AITA?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Able_Stay_9984 −  NTA. He has admitted he would leave you if the shoe was on the other foot. He can’t have one set of rules for him and another for you. This smacks deeply of ‘I can’t be bothered to raise her myself so I’d like you to stay so I can lumber you with the responsibility instead, that’s what women are for right!?’ You are right, he and his family need to stop focusing their efforts on you and start focusing on that poor little girl.

WeddingFickle6513 −  NTA. If you truly feel you will not be able to love the child and bond with her, then you are doing what is best for her by leaving. Your soon to be ex is in for a rude reality check if he thinks another woman can seamlessly slide into the place of the child’s mother just because her mother is deceased. She had 6 years to form a bond, and she is grieving that loss.

I’m afraid he is not going into this with realistic expectations. You seem to have a much better grasp of what the child has been through and how much attention and support she will need. Tell him and his family to stop worrying about you and start focusing on him and the poor child whose world has been turned upside down again.

zanne54 −  he wouldn’t stay in a role reversal (and he admitted it). And this right here is the reason why I’d now see him as a total h**ocrite and trust would be irreparably broken. NTA

fucksiclepizza −  NTA hes even admitted if the shoe was on the other foot he would be gone. Neither of you wanted to be a step parent right from the get go, he can’t change the rules mid game. Continue with the divorce and move on.

Alarmed_Lynx_7148 −  The fact he wouldn’t do it if it was reversed, is enough to not give a f**k and make you NTA. The entitlement there is just a turn off.
Also it’s not selfish. It’s a boundary you both agreed up and you’re setting and keeping that boundary. Kudos for having the emotional strength to do it.. Updateme

Tyger_byhertail −  NTA, as a stepmom thank you for making the decision to walk away. My stepson lost his mom also and I would’ve rather he not had a stepdad at all than the one he had. If I can make an observation here, it doesn’t sound like either of you are even ready to start talking about kids. Get out now and take the time to figure out what you really want out of life. I feel for the little girl in this situation.

alc3880 −  “and he tried to make it seem like it should be okay even though he wouldn’t stay in a role reversal (and he admitted it)”
That says enough. He is expecting and wanting you to do something that even he wouldn’t do. He just doesn’t want to be a single dad, well too bad dude, this is your life now.. NTA.

BeMandalorTomad −  NTA. I can see why you might feel you’re being selfish, but that’s not what I’m reading. Maybe you know yourself better than I do (obviously) or maybe you’re being hard on yourself, which I think is also possible. If you can’t love this child, if you can’t support her while she’s hurting, you are not the right person to raise her. That’s not selfish, that’s self aware.

I think a lot of people would come to resent this child bc 1: she’s not yours, 2: she’s probably going to act out and 3: supporting her means less support would go to any biological children you would have. Don’t fool yourself. You would be *expected* to treat her like one of your own children all the same. And if you do come to resent her, which I think is a given, tbh, you’d be the bad guy.

Cry_Resident −  NAH. This situation involves complex emotions and unexpected changes. While it’s understandably painful for your husband and his family, you’re not obligated to stay in a marriage that now includes responsibilities and dynamics you were clear about not wanting.

It’s important for both parties to acknowledge that fundamental needs and boundaries have shifted. Your decision to leave, based on preserving your own happiness and life plans, is valid, even though it’s a difficult one.

Bergenia1 −  If you cannot open your heart and love that traumatized little girl, then the ethical thing to do is to never enter her life at all. You made the right choice.

When life takes an unexpected turn, is it wrong to stick to the life you originally envisioned? Should love outweigh such a significant change, or is her decision to walk away valid? Share your thoughts in the comments!