AITA for lashing out on my stay-at-home husband for spending our household budget on my SIL whom I despise ?

A Redditor finds herself in a heated conflict with her stay-at-home husband over household finances and contributions to their daughter’s school expenses. As the sole breadwinner, she carefully allocates her income, but frustration mounts when her husband refuses to contribute to their daughter’s lunch money, citing a lack of funds.

The situation escalates when the Redditor lashes out about his spending habits, particularly on alcohol and gifts for her sister-in-law, whom she dislikes. Is her reaction justified, or has she crossed a line in expressing her frustrations? Read the original story below to explore the complexities of managing family finances and the strain it can place on relationships.

‘ AITA for lashing out on my stay-at-home husband for spending our household budget on my SIL whom I despise ?’

I(33F) am the sole breadwinner to my family, husband (41M) and daughter (2F). My income is divided to 1/3 for our mortgage, 1/3 for our household daily expenses, the rest to our daughter’s education + vacation + emergency savings.

Our household daily expenses is managed by my husband which includes food, baby items, utilities etc. And I told him he is free to use the remains of every month. My daughter is starting school from September and I had made a request to have a contribution from the household budget for her lunch money.

My husband became defensive and refused to contribute. He explained that we do not have enough from the household budget. I got annoyed and lashed out on his spendings on alcohol, which I can see a few empty bottles per week, and also his spendings for my SIL who I absolutely despise.

I know I told him he is free to spend any remainings of the household budget as he pleases, but refusing to contribute to our daughter’s school lunch money is tipping me off. AITA?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

G0t2ThinkAboutIt −  NTA. However, you do need to sit down and discuss finances. I was a spendthrift and my husband and I were trying to save. We found a bank that requires both parties to sign on withdrawing money. We did that with our savings account.

We then put less money into the joint account that either of us could access. It was enough for the basics, not much more. If we needed to put in more, we reviewed where the money went and then had to do the dual signature thing to move money from savings to checking. It really helped cut down on silly spending.

You need to agree to what you will change so that the money that is needed for your family is available. Disagreement on finances is a major cause of marital strife. Try to find a solution now, before the attitudes cause the other party to want to exit the relationship.

Trevena_Ice −  INFO: Lunch money is a new expense. So why not just add it to the bills that have to be paid. If your husband isn’t willing to give the share of ‘his money’ to that – then say ‘okay as you are not willing to pay for the bills we acctually have – what this money is for.

You can’t handle it anymore. So I will take this money back to pay the bills correctly. And what is left, will be divided between us for our own activities and or extra spending habits’

MobileSafe9909 −  I’m going to hold the same energy that people would hold when it’s the other way around… i.e. when the man is the breadwinner. You are wrong for lashing out, that’s not the way to handle these things.

The lunch money is a new expense and unexpected changes to budgets happen, and it can shock the system a little. However I do think doing things like paying for SIL are probably not what was really intended for the money and if He knows that then He is in the wrong there.

Alda_ria −  ESH. You made it sound like he supports her financially with your money, not just sends her gifts and shares subscriptions. No one will dig through your comments to see what’s actually going on.

To summarize – you hate your SIL so much that you don’t care how it impacts your husband who doesn’t share the feeling, your husband has no income, but can use whatever left after, but you feel like it’s okay to police his spending, and you lash out instead of talking.

Oh, and you see no problem in shifting accents when you need it. Mentioned bottles, but never specified what bottles. Claimed that he spends on your SIL,but forgot to specify that it’s rather minor, you just hate her and that’s it, said that he can use money after all expenses,but forgot to specify what summ we are talking about.

If he monthly has $100 after all bills,and you want him to pay for lunches votes will be different. You claim that you love your husband, while describing him as a financially irresponsible a**oholic who priorities his Sil over his family to get NTA votes. Is he really?

If he drinks while taking care of a baby and spends thousands on those gifts he is AH, sure,and his communication isn’t great either, as I can see, because he never gave reasons why he doesn’t want to pay for lunches, but your approach to the situation is AH. “I made a request” says everything about your family dynamics.

Mundane_Oddity −  Listen, the only way I would go into a single income household/ partnership is the following:
1) salary is split 50/50 into the single holder accounts of both partners.

2) both partners contribute equally to a joint account from their’s for mortgage, taxes, household + child expenses + joint savings (for vacation, unexpected expenses, etc.)

3) rest, in own account, is free “own” budget to do whatever you want with. I can’t stress enough that I would put all this *in writing*, as post-nup for example, so he if he drinks all his money away or gives it to his sister, he doesn’t get to sue you for half of your own savings in case of divorce.

But ultimately, if you agree with him being SAHP, then he should get access to funds he can do whatever he wants with. If you don’t agree with it, he needs to find work, contribute 50% to joint expenses, and you need alternative child care/ household chores arrangements.

*Your* feelings towards his sister are irrelevant to what he does with his share of money. A SAHP should never be in a position to have zero free will on household money, that’s financial abuse.

Jujubeee73 −  YTA. Rather than allowing him what’s leftover from the daily expense fund, he needs a regular/set allowance. Remember that his staying home with the child is what allows you to work and not pay childcare.

You’re currently asking him to give up his only spending cash to pay school lunches. Yes, school lunches need paid, but that shouldn’t mean he gets zero to spend on himself.

What he spends that on is not relevant to the conversation, but it’s immature of you to get ornery about him buying souvenirs for his family. You made it sound like he’s pampering her with gifts every week, but it’s a gift from the occasional trip. Let it go.

Late-Hat-9144 −  You deliberately phrased this very carefully to paint your husband, whom you “love very much” (yeah right) in the worse possible light but digging through your comments I can see “sending money to my SIL” actually translates to “sending her the occasional souvenir front out travels”.

Sharing subscriptions isn’t even a part of this because it doesn’t normally increase the cost for most platforms. Given the carefully constructed emotive language, I’m also starting to think “a few empty bottles per week” will most likely translate to 3 beers.

You’re 100% TA here, both for being financially a**sive towards your PARTNER as well as deliberately phrasing your post to make people take your side.

DoNotLickTheSteak −  YTA. If money is free for him to spend you have no right to lash out on what he spends it on. It’s borderline financial abuse – YTA. If he has a drinking problem and you’re happily leaving him in sole custody of your child – YTA.

To everybody saying he can get a job if the kid is going to school please make sure you have the same attitude if this was husband talking about his wife. If not Y’allTAs.

Demetre19864 −  YTA. I can’t help but approach this from the light that if this was a man doing this to a woman the whole thread would be freaking out. You sound extremely controlling and are looking to further control every aspect.

On top of that you have decided arbitrary that he is an a**oholic??? You saw a couple cams lying around and that’s your go to. I mean buying a gift for your sister when on vacation or having a strong relationship when your a stay at home parent with your family is completly reasonable.. Wow

[Reddit User] −  YTA having read your comments.