AITA for kicking my daughter out after she crossed a line?

A single father of three faced a heartbreaking situation after his daughter, Eva (20), crossed a major line by destroying sentimental letters from her late mother. The incident followed a heated argument where Eva disrespected her younger sibling, Charlie, using a slur.

Despite efforts to resolve the conflict and enforce boundaries, the father discovered the destroyed letters and decided to ask Eva to leave the house. Now grappling with guilt, he wonders if his reaction was too harsh. To find out more about the situation and how others responded, read the full story below…

 

‘ AITA for kicking my daughter out after she crossed a line?’

I(M51) have 3 children, 1 girl,1 boy, and one child is gender neutral, my son Eric(M22) is the oldest, Eva(M20) is the middle child, and charlie(17) is my youngest(i’m still very new to the whole LGBTQ thing so please correct me if i say something wrong) ,

now sadly when the children were all young (11,9,6) there mother/my wife passed away in a car accident and i’v been raising them by myself ever since as i’v chosen to never remarry since my wife was/is the love of my life. I’ll say i’m definitely not a perfect father but i’v done the best i could to raise my children,

now Eva has always been a bit more wild then her other siblings even before her mothers passing, i’v tried everything ranging from having sit down talks with her to putting her in therapy as well as taking parenting classes and reading books to see what i could possibly do to help,

therapy did seem to help a little bit but decided to stop soon after she turned 18, now let me tell you the story as to why i’m here, now my daughter Eva still lives with me and charlie as she goes to school, and has definitely been home more due to the pandemic,

but has started to go out more now that they are letting up on some of the regulations, now i was out getting dinner with an old high school buddy of mine when i get a panicked call from my son who had been at my house hanging out with his siblings, to summarize what he told me,

he got into an argument with Eva and Charlie sided with him, Eva became very volatile and even called charlie a slur, which is a big hell no for me, so i headed home and tried to calm everything down, i told Eva i didn’t care about what they had been arguing about, and that she wasn’t allowed to disrespect Charlie or Eric like that,

me and Eva ended up now being the ones to start arguing but i soon shut it down when i realized it wasn’t gonna help, i forced her to apologize and took away her car privileges until she could learn to respect her siblings and i thought it was the end of that,

well the next morning after work i ended up coming home and finding scraps of papers all over, at first i didn’t get it but then soon found out that she cut up about half a dozen letters her mother had written me when i was much younger, i was LIVID,

(i know it was her because i have a couple cameras in my house) i just walked into her room and told her to get out, she was smug and rolled her eyes but then i yelled “get the f**k out of my house” and she realized i was serious,

she was crying and screaming but i had felt sorta numb at that point and she left with a friend of hers, but now i feel like i was being too harsh but i wanna stand my ground. AITA for this?

See what others had to share with OP:

Lazy_Decision8756 −  NTA. She’s 20 which is old enough to grasp the maliciousness of her actions as well as the potential repercussions. I’m sorry that you lost the letters, that sounds pretty devastating. Maybe they can be salvaged as a collage art piece?

Trashmanjoe −  Alright, I’m putting this together after reading through many of the other comments, and I’ll be using info I’ve grabbed from them to help me in my rating.
1st: The original argument between Charlie and Eva occurred because she scratched their car and refused to apologize.

(Edit: She hit Eric’s car, Charlie insisted that Eva apologize to their brother, Eva blew up on Charlie. I misread OP’s response to an info post below. Honestly I think that makes this situation even more messed up though) 2nd: Despite clearly being in the wrong Eva chose not only to forgo a simple apology, but to escalate to using slurs to a minor.

3rd: Eva was aware of the security cameras. She was there the day they were put in. While destroying the letters she looked right into them. Not only did she want to hurt her father, she wanted him to know it was her who did it. I don’t often get into psychological stuff in my judgements but that’s ducked up on so many levels.

Given the reasons I’ve just stated I feel completely confident in rating OP as NTA. I was on the fence when I originally read the post (kicking a child out if always rocky AH terrain)but as I gathered more information it became abundantly clear that she should not be around her younger sibling or in that house until she gets some serious help.

Which I do sincerely hope she gets. Edit: I’d like to address some of the comments on the lower end of this thread. There’s a world of difference between abandoning Eva and not allowing her to live with you anymore.

I fully encourage OP to help Eva get the help she needs, but he also has to think about not only his own emotional wellbeing but that of his other two children as well. 2nd edit: fixed a pronoun issue that I made. My apologies.

MissMurderpants −  I can’t imagine the pain you’ve gone through and dealing with a child like her. We’re any actions here ok? No, I think in the heat of the moment it is really hard to control yourself over the loss of such a treasure you had from your wife.

When it’s cooled down and you feel the regret for acting harsh towards your daughter I think you should have a boundary meeting between you and your other children about this and get their input. Then you talk to Eva and lay it all out. Her shenanigans are over. She needs to atone and apologize.

Does she get to move back in? No, I think it’s time she felt repercussions. Does that mean you cut her off? No, it does mean you are very selective in how you financially support her and setting rule for your continued support. If she fails y’all I’d cut her off.. Good luck.. NTA. *thank you all for the awards*

pudge-thefish −  NTA. She is an adult and can find her own way if she is that disrespectful. As the child of a mother who passed when I was 10 I do find it very odd that any child would destroy anything like this that was left from their mother….unless they are completely psychotic, this cannot possibly be real.

hornyspiritualist −  NTA. This would definitely tame her and set her upright. Side note: I belong to the LGBT community and would like to tell you that you might have just saved Charlie’s heart from a break. For your daughter, it might have been a callous throw of slur, but for Charlie, it’d have been a hurtful blow.

Let your daughter in once she’s realised how hurtful she’s been and apologises to you all. She’d beware that next time she crosses the line, that’d be it for her. Also, I am really sorry, man, for those letters shredded. And tbh, your action was justified in response.

chubbywhiteboy420 −  NTA at 20 years of age she’s a adult and this kind in behaviour towards you and Charlie is unacceptable. This could be a serious life lesson for her and one she desperately needs. Also I’m sorry for your loss

FMBPChase −  That seems like a really ridiculous thing for her to do over a single argument. Also, she lives there but she doesn’t know that you have cameras in your house? Surely there’s more to this story.

pnutbuttercups56 −  EDIT: NTA. I don’t know if it’s the best way to handle it but you’re not wrong to protect your kids and your property. Slurs are never okay, especially from someone in their 20s who is fully aware that slurs are unacceptable. Eva is also destroying your property.

Her behavior doesn’t make sense but I don’t know what she expected in return. INFO: This seemed to escalate quickly, what was the original argument about? Why doesn’t Eva know that there are cameras in the house?

DelightfulAbsurdity −  NTA, I don’t blame you for kicking your adult child out of your home for that kind of irreparable transgression. That’s fucked up.

VaguelyArtistic −  NTA. As a former nightmare daughter she really does need tough love. My parents enabled me and that dragged everything out for years.
I will say that I didn’t become a nightmare just “because”. I was absolutely acting out plus I was dealing with undiagnosed anxiety and adhd. So I’d just keep that in mind. Good luck. I got better, anyone can!