AITA for insisting my inlaws hang out with me if they want me to do favors for them?
A Redditor shared their frustration about feeling taken advantage of by in-laws who frequently request sewing and baking favors without offering to learn the skills themselves. Initially, the poster enjoyed helping, but as the demands grew, they set a new boundary: they’d only continue assisting if the in-laws stayed to hang out and learn.
This shift wasn’t well received, with the sister-in-law avoiding follow-up plans and the mother-in-law expressing reluctance. The user’s husband even suggested they were being harsh by changing expectations. Read the original story below…
‘ AITA for insisting my inlaws hang out with me if they want me to do favors for them?’
My mother taught me how to sew and bake at an early age. Consequently i would say I’m pretty good at both. Since i got married,my inlaws have occasionally asked me to hem dresses for them, and to bake cookies or cupcakes for random events. I didn’t mind because i would take it as a compliment that they would want me to do this for them.
However, recently my sister in law has taken up thrifting, so she has been dropping off about three items a week for me to alter. And my mother in law started a new job about 4 months ago, and she has asked me to bake for her monthly work potlucks.
I have never charged them, but my sil will bring me Starbucks and my mil will bring me the ingredients for whatever i am baking. The truth is that i am now feeling resentful about being expected to do things for them, when they could just learn how to do this themselves.
I have offered to teach them, but they always say that they don’t need to learn since they like the way i do things. This month i told them that i could still help them with each project but they have to stay and hang out with me while i do them. This way they can watch and learn so they can eventually do it on their own.
I told my mil what day and time to be at my home so we can bake the cupcakes together. She said she might not be able to. So i said “if you dont come hang out then you’ll have to stop by a bakery and buy them instead”.
Two weeks ago my sil dropped off 2 dresses for me to alter the hem,and i told her that I’ll get to them whenever she can come over and watch how i do it. She said she would let me know, but hasn’t yet. She didn’t look too happy with this.
We all get along and i know they like me, and I know that it’s not that they dont want to hang out with me, its just that they don’t want to learn. I think they just want me to keep doing it for them.
After i told my husband about all this, he implied that i was mean for changing how i do things. And that if I dont want to do these projects for them, then just say so. I think it’s only fair. Im sure my inlaws also think that im the a-hole for my new expectations. So AITA?
Lets dive into the reactions from Reddit:
friskpoints − NTA.. You’re not being mean, you’re setting healthy boundaries. Your in-laws have been taking advantage of your skills without realizing it. You’ve been super generous with your time, and now you’re just asking for some company while you work. That’s totally fair. Your offer to teach them is more than reasonable.
If they don’t want to learn or hang out, they can find other options. You’re not their personal tailor or baker. Your husband’s wrong to call you mean. You’re not refusing outright – you’re just changing the terms a bit. That’s okay. It’s fine to value your time and effort.
Stick to your guns on this one. If they really appreciate your work, they should be cool with your new setup or find alternatives. Don’t let them make you feel bad for setting boundaries.
Backinactionfinally − NTA. For starters “changing how you do things” is necessary for growth, and your in-laws refuse to grow despite your generous offers to teach. Secondly, your husband needs to have your back, especially when it comes to doing endless favors for his family.
I think you should tell him that and hopefully he can help broker an arrangement that everyone is satisfied with.
pineboxwaiting − NTA They have no desire to learn anything, but they DO need to understand how much time you’re spending doing favors for them . I think it’s totally fair that you ask them to hang out when you cook and sew. That way, they’re treating you like a friend instead of unpaid labor.
Snackinpenguin − To them, you provide a service on demand because, familyyyyyy. You don’t mind offering the occasional service, but this is now a regular occurrence that they hit you up for. With the increased frequency of asks, it makes sense that they start to learn. They’re not willing to invest in that.
But this isn’t working for you any longer. You can tell your husband this: No one told you that when marrying him you were also signing onto tailoring x/month and baking x/month , and also on demand. He is welcome to step up. Love these boundaries. Keep them up!
anillop − Classic weaponized incompetence. Oh I cant do that so you have to do it for me because I am so bad at it.
Scenarioing − “I have offered to teach them, but they always say that they don’t need to learn since they like the way i do things.” Aw hell no. The time for hints is long expired.
“I told my mil what day and time to be at my home so we can bake the cupcakes together. She said she might not be able to. So i said “if you dont come hang out then you’ll have to stop by a bakery and buy them instead”.”
Good for you, but you need(ed) to make more clear that the situation went from an occasional courtesy favor to imposing chronic labor which is innapproriate with some agreement to make it justifiable. “After i told my husband about all this, he implied that i was mean for changing how i do things.”
According to him, you have to be an on call uncompensated service provider merely because you did someone a favor before. He should be the one to tell the in laws to respect you. You have a bigger husband problem than you do an in law problem. It’s time to lay down some law. NTA.
cressidacole − “Taken up thrifting”? Does this mean you’re doing free alterations/repairs on clothes she wears, or clothes she is reselling? It’s not just that they don’t want to learn. They are using you as free labour, and have no intention of staying while you work. They value their time far more than yours.
Perfect_Flow3165 − NTA but I don’t think you’re going about things in a productive way. If they wanted to learn they would have asked, and they’re adults, you can’t change this about them. You were happy doing occasional favours but you’re right you shouldn’t be expected to do regular free labour for them just to save them money.
Do they do an equivalent amount of free labour/cost saving for you in a different area? When you set boundaries it needs to be on what you do, not what they do. You don’t want all your free time to go to sewing and baking for free, so stop doing it. “Sorry I don’t have the time,” “I have other plans” . It’s not your job to be the family slave, I’m uncomfortable that your partner thinks it is.
Suspicious-Grand9781 − Nta. My friend wanted me to sew a last-minute costume for her son. She came over and sat with me until the wee hours of the morning. She did it because I was doing her a favor.
It would take no effort on their part to learn how to sew or bake. They are taking advantage of your kindness. Stand your ground and when your husband suggests you do the baking, give him the recipe and tell him to have fun baking.
Liu1845 − “You don’t like hanging around while I do things for you? Maybe I don’t like being treated like someone’s personal pastry chef and seamstress, you know, the free “hired” help.”
Do you think the user’s new rule was fair to set healthy boundaries, or should they have handled it differently? How would you balance kindness with the need to protect your time? Share your thoughts below!