AITA for insisting if I can’t have my partner over, neither can anyone else?

A Reddit user shares a housing conflict: their flatmates banned their boyfriend from visiting, claiming it was disruptive, despite all other flatmates regularly hosting their partners. Frustrated by the double standard, the user retaliated by insisting that if their boyfriend isn’t welcome, no one’s partner should be allowed over either.

‘ AITA for insisting if I can’t have my partner over, neither can anyone else?’

So I [20m] live in a flat with 3 other people; childhood best friend [23f], a guy from my uni course [20m] and his cousin [26f]. For the most part we get along really well and rarely have disagreements. However this has been a real point of contention lately.

About six months ago I began a relationship with a guy I’ve known for a couple of years [21m]. I know it’s still a fairly new relationship but I really like him, he makes me really happy and we’re pretty serious about each other. Up until recently, he would come visit me at my flat 3-4 times a week. This was mostly due to the fact that I have chronic fatigue and going on “proper” dates can be really challenging for me.

Instead of going out to dinner or a film or whatever, we’d just chill in my room or the living room, watch TV and get takeout or cook together. I didn’t really consult anyone about this becsuse a) all the other flatmates have their partners over as often if not moreso and b) he rarely spends the night and usually leaves before 10PM because of his work schedule.

So the issue: two weeks ago 26f comes to me and tells me that I need to stop having my boyfriend over because it’s “starting to get annoying”. I asked her why and she said it’s irritating to have someone who doesn’t live there “skulking around all the time”. I pointed out that her boyfriend sleeps over three nights a week and thus is here more often than mine and she claimed that was different because they’ve been together for 11 years and are moving in together once her lease is up.

She said she’s discussed it with the other flatmates and they’ve all agreed he needs to stop coming over or he has to chip in to the rent because it’s “getting ridiculous”. Note: nobody else’s partner chips in on the rent. I confirmed with the other two that yes, this is an agreement they’ve made, though my best friend said 26f basically made her agree by threatening to cut off the wifi and utilities, which are in her name, if she didn’t. I asked if this rule applies to everyone but apparently it’s just me. I pointed out that it’s unfair and was basically told to deal with it.

My potential assholery: I’ve begun loudly insisting that if my partner isn’t allowed to come over, neither is anybody else’s. If I answer the door to anyone’s partner I’ll send them away. If I come home and someone’s partner is there I’ll make a point to mention that I thought we weren’t having partners who don’t pay rent over any more.

I’ve asked 26f’s boyfriend over and over how much rent he’s paying and pretend to be affronted and make a fuss when he says he doesn’t. Everyone’s pretty pissed at me and is telling me I’m being unreasonable. I know I’m being petty, but I think it’s unreasonable that there’s one rule for me and another for everyone else and I’m trying to make that point. Am I really the a**hole here?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

ScarletPhoenix15 −  NTA. If your roommates dont want your partner over, then your roommates shouldn’t be allowed to have their partners over. Are your roommates in heterosexual relationships? Because if so, I smell some major hom*phobia.

Cofius −  Well since you guys are gay, I imagine they’re just tired of all the gay antics. I would get pretty tired of cleaning up confetti after all the musical numbers.

Kineth −  Unless there’s something that isn’t being disclosed on why they feel he’s overstaying his welcome, you’re NTA and I think your s**t-eating campaign is completely just. Now, if it’s a matter of him eating some of your other flatmates’ food, I can see where their irritation may actually be a thing, but without there being a specific reason why, it doesn’t make sense why you’re getting specifically targeted by this rule.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. Why are your roommates such hypocrites? Are you sure this isn’t some h**ophobic way of keeping your partner out of their home, because none of what they’re preaching makes any sense.

justastrang3r −  lmao forget them & bring him over if you want to. that’s not fair. if *they* can bring their partner over, regardless of how long the relationship is, so can you.. NTA. sounds like they are personally targeting you tho.

RehabRegular −  NTA. Sounds like 26f has something against you and is using your boyfriend as a way of getting back at you for it. Either way this situation is ridiculous if true and the other 3 in the flat ought to be ashamed of themselves for what is overt bullying. If you pay equal rent you should have equal rights.

helloitsduke −  NTA. It needs to be a rule for everyone. Either partners are allowed or they are not. There is not a difference between someone being together for a few months or 11 years, they are your partner and should be treated as such.
There are of course some points of contention with partners though.

I was in a house share where a guy’s girlfriend would stay 3-4 nights a week and take two 20 minute showers a day. At this point, we did have a house meeting and request she take her showers elsewhere or she’d need to contribute to the water bill. She chose to have her showers elsewhere.

messymessthrowaway −  NTA and sounds like your flatmate who instigated this is a hom*phobe. Call her out on it directly. Then ignore her b**lshit rules and invite your partner over anyway. Stop letting her act like she’s the boss of the flat. If she bitches and complains just ignore her and don’t engage. Or tell her to f**k off, you pay rent too and will have guests over if you want. What’s she going to do, complain to the landlord, lol? I hope you can move to a better living situation soon.

Oh yeah and if she threatens to cut off the utilities tell her to go ahead, she has no right to be holding them over your head since presumably you all pay for them even if they are in her name. She’d be screwing herself over as much as anyone and you can then connect new utilities in your own name and refuse to give her the wifi password at all if you want to be petty. Your “friend” who agreed with her is an a**hole and a c**ard too.

minahmyu −  So her 11-year old relationship with her boyfriend, who pretty much lives there more than your dude, doesn’t chip in for rent, but thinks your dude has to? She brags that her situation is different because “Ugh, we’re together 11 years!” but after 11 years, mofo should be pitching in then. Can’t have it both ways.

And like mentioned, she’s probably not as open minded as she claims to be. NTA. Seems like she needs to hurry and get that place together, or you may wana rethink living there. Going around threatening people with witholding internet services and other crap.

jouluke22 −  NTA hell no if I’m paying rent I can have my so over as much as I please. Plus hes nice enought to leave befor 10 pm. My hubby also agrees.