AITA for immediately donating the gifts my stepmother bought for my children?

A woman (34F) who has been no contact with her stepmother, Mary, for five years received a large box of toys from her on her son’s birthday. Mary has never met her daughter (4F) and hasn’t seen her son (8M) since he was 3. The woman viewed the gesture as manipulative, particularly since Mary labeled herself “Grandma Mary” in the note.

She and her husband decided to donate the toys without telling their children. When her father learned what happened, he called her cruel and ungrateful, saying it was a loving gesture despite their strained relationship. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for immediately donating the gifts my stepmother bought for my children?’

The article has the next update at the end.

I (34F) have no contact with my stepmother “Mary.” Long story not worth explaining ***(edit: I loosely explained in a comment)***. It’s been 5 years since I cut her off from my and my family’s lives. As such, she hasn’t seen my son (8M) since he was 3 years old, and she’s never met my daughter (4F).

Throughout the years, she has attempted to contact me and my kids several times. My father used to help her sometimes. He’d tell me how awful she felt, how much she wanted to meet my daughter and that the kids needed their grandma (I’ve never considered her a grandparent, as both my mother and mother-in-law are active in their lives).

Several fights later, my father apologized and stopped assisting her, but Mary still tries to get in touch with me every now and then. I always state I have no interest in seeing her or allowing her to be a part of my children’s lives. My son’s birthday was in September.

The day of (neither of my kids were home), a large box was delivered to our building. I opened it to find more than a dozen new toys for my children, along with a note that read “Grandma Mary loves you both.” As I later found out, she had bought the toys on a recent trip to the US.

I couldn’t think of that as anything besides a manipulation tactic. My children are barely aware that she exists, why would she send them both a box full of toys on my son’s birthday? I also think she planned the delivery for a time she thought the kids would be home so that they’d see the toys immediately.

Either way, my husband and I decided not to keep any of the toys. We donated them all throughout October. The kids never saw any of them. Last week, my father called me. He said Mary had just told him about the toys and wanted to know whether the kids liked them.

I told him the truth, and we had an argument. My father called me cruel and ungrateful for what I did. He said he understands Mary and I don’t get along, but she still cared enough to spend hundreds of dollars on a “loving gesture” for my children, and the least I could have done was let them know about it.

I honestly couldn’t imagine keeping those toys, but I’d be lying if I said the amount of money spent on them didn’t make me feel guilty.. AITA?

Next update: https://aita.pics/jrLVW

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

AssistanceOk3669 −  I mean I do kind of want to know the story lol. Of course NTA, no contact means no contact. You didn’t ask her to spend money on gifts that shouldn’t have been sent.

FloMoJoeBlow −  NTA. It is indeed a manipulation tactic.

DankyMcJangles −  You feel guilty? So then you’re saying her manipulation tactic worked. Stop right there. Don’t feed into it. Don’t let her win. Stay the course.. NTA

Awkward_Light4491 −  That’s exactly why it is manipulation. It is meant to make you feel guilty. And it is trying to establish a relationship with your children without your approval. Just ignore the drama and live a peaceful life.

Existing_Winter5679 −  NTA. Mary’s the m**ipulative d**bass who spent all that money for children she’s not allowed contact with. Not your problem.

Ok_Historian_646 −  NTA. NTA. NTA!!!!!!! Mary knew exactly what she was doing as she’s been doing this stuff for at least 5 years. What you decided to do with the toys a stranger attempted to give your children was donate them back to people in need. Some might throw them away, but you put the toys to good use.

It might be time to go LC with your dad if he can’t respect your boundaries as well (NC with your stepmom). Tell your father if her behavior does not stop immediately then you’ll have to reconsider how much contact you’ll have with him.. Keep protecting your children!

Alternative_Talk3324 −  NTA this is why you are NC. A m**ipulative gesture. You did the right thing. Mary can get lost.

Winter-eyed −  NTA. Mary spent hundreds of dollars not on a “loving gesture” but on a manipulation tactic and it failed. She had been told where she stands and yet she is still flailing around like she’s lost. She isn’t she’s just trying to be the victim. Mary needs to move along and find some other outlet for her frustration.

raharper11 −  My husbands’ stepmom used to pull the same crap. After we got married, she sent a letter to my husband and SIL (addressed to all the kids, including her own, didn’t include special needs brother) about how she felt like a second class citizen at our wedding.

We didn’t speak for 7 years, and they only met our oldest when she was 1.5 yo. Stepsiblings never knew about the letter, shocking I know. When they reached out we finally shared the letter with them and they were shocked because they thought we just cut them off for no reason.

FIL was never bad when she wasn’t around, I actually enjoyed spending time with him. However, he is not a good father. He left my MIL when hubs was 1 and married her, the AP. FIL always prioritized their relationship over the relationship they had with their children.

If you made him or her upset, he would submit to whatever she wanted. When I asked my husband about things growing up, it was basically his grandfathers/uncles who were his father figures. We engage to an extent after the letter, but really just to call him on his b**lshit.

Pattern holds after reconciliation , and they both distance themselves from us and just randomly send our kids presents. We never gave them to our kids and promptly donated them.

We haven’t spoken to FIL in years, and his wife just died this spring. Guess who reached out this weekend hoping they could all find “forgiveness”? And guess who will not be responding?

Recent-Necessary-362 −  NTA. You didn’t waste them or throw them away, you donated them to children in need. If she’s so desperate for children interaction, I suggest volunteering. Your kids are not her muse. She’s the d**bass who went and spent money knowing good and well she wasn’t seeing the kids.

Don’t fall for this. If you would’ve let the presents slide, the efforts would’ve gradually picked up to them seeing your kids. I mean, your dad isn’t truly dropping this is he? Time to go no contact for a while with your dad until he can learn that your boundaries are nonnegotiable.

Was donating the toys without informing her kids the right move, or could there have been a better way to handle this situation? Should strained relationships override attempts at reconciliation through gifts? what do you think? share your thoughts below!

For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/gjcRu