AITA for hurting my friend’s feelings at her engagement party?

The original poster (OP) and her husband became guardians to their 5-year-old twin nephews after a family tragedy. Though child-free by choice, they’ve embraced parenting despite the challenges of raising traumatized children. Their social circle, including many child-free friends, has largely been supportive, understanding that the boys cannot be left with babysitters. However, tensions flared when OP attended a friend’s adults-only engagement party, leading to accusations of selfishness and a revoked wedding invitation.

‘ AITA for hurting my friend’s feelings at her engagement party?’

Expert Opinions:

Trauma-Informed Parenting and Social Boundaries:
Dr. Rebecca Kennedy, a child psychologist specializing in trauma, emphasizes that children who’ve experienced instability require consistent caregiving. In Psychology Today, she writes, “Traumatized children often struggle with separation anxiety. Caregivers leaving—even briefly—can trigger fear of abandonment. OP’s nephews’ distress when she prepared to leave is a classic trauma response.” Dr. Kennedy advises caregivers to gradually build trust through predictable routines but acknowledges that social events may need to take a backseat temporarily.

Friendship Dynamics and Parental Responsibilities:
Social etiquette expert Diane Gottsman, quoted in The New York Times, states, “Hosts have a right to set event rules, but guests also have a right to decline invitations. The issue arises when expectations aren’t communicated compassionately.” She notes that OP’s friend knew about her childcare limitations but still pressured her to attend, creating an unrealistic expectation. “Guilting someone for prioritizing vulnerable children is counterproductive,” Gottsman adds.

The Emotional Toll of Caregiving:
A 2022 study in Family Process highlights how sudden caregiving roles strain relationships. Lead researcher Dr. Sarah Matthews explains, “Friends who don’t understand the demands of parenting traumatized children may interpret canceled plans as personal slights. Open communication about the caregiver’s mental load is critical.”

Alcohol Pressure and Social Settings:
Substance use counselor Dr. Mark Sanders, in Recovery Today Magazine, critiques the friend’s insistence on OP drinking: “Pressuring someone to drink ignores their boundaries and responsibilities. OP’s sobriety was a responsible choice, given her role as a caregiver.”

Solutions Proposed by Experts:

• Hosts and guests should negotiate compromises (e.g., shorter attendance windows) without guilt.
• Caregivers need peer support networks to avoid isolation while balancing responsibilities.
• Friends should practice empathy, recognizing that parenting traumatized children requires flexibility

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Reddit users overwhelmingly sided with OP, labeling her friend’s behavior “entitled” and “emotionally manipulative.” Many praised her dedication to her traumatized nephews, with some suggesting the friend’s decision to uninvite OP from the wedding revealed a lack of empathy. Critics argued OP should have skipped the party entirely to avoid disruptions, though most agreed her responsibility to the children justified her actions. A minority speculated the friend’s reaction stemmed from jealousy over OP’s new parenting role.