AITA for hiding my second miscarriage from my dad and his wife?

A Reddit user shared a deeply personal story about navigating boundaries with her father and his wife after experiencing two miscarriages. Following an uncomfortable and invasive response from her stepmother during the first loss, she chose not to disclose her second pregnancy and miscarriage to them.

However, when the news inadvertently surfaced, her father and stepmother expressed anger and hurt over being excluded, accusing her of unfair treatment. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for hiding my second miscarriage from my dad and his wife?’

I (28f) miscarried two years ago. When it happened I sent my dad a text because he knew I was pregnant. Within an hour his wife showed up at my house and she was trying to use my miscarriage as a bonding experience. She and my dad have been married for 8 years.

She had no kids and was hoping to become a mom figure to me. My mom died when I was 15 so dad was a widower when they met and I wasn’t living with him. Being 20 and having lost my mom I wasn’t interested in making her a mom figure and I was upfront with her about it.

She was upset and she asked if it was something she did. I explained it wasn’t and I simply didn’t feel like I needed her to be that but we could be friendly. It didn’t stop her from trying to use my first miscarriage as a bonding experience.

She said she thought it would help me to know my baby’s grandma would forever grieve her first grandchild and she felt like a woman needs her mom during her grieving period like that and so there she was.

She talked about her longing for kids and how she could never get pregnant, she compared my miscarriage to her being childless and she would not leave. I spent three hours trying to get rid of her before I left the room and my husband told her it was time to go. She resisted but did leave.

Then she tried to come over the next day and I just pretended I wasn’t home. A couple of weeks later she said she felt like we had bonded over our shared tragedy. I told my dad I had been so uncomfortable and that she had refused to leave.

He told me she was trying and she is his wife and she was looking forward to being a grandparent, and how upset she had been not to be notified directly about my pregnancy or my miscarriage. Three months ago I had my second miscarriage.

I didn’t tell my dad I was pregnant this time or that I miscarried. But we weren’t careful about the people we did confide in and one of my husband’s aunts ran into my dad and brought it up.

His wife reached out in tears asking why I didn’t let her be there for me again and dad was angry and he told me I kept him in the dark because I disliked his wife and he said that was grossly unfair. He also said I was treating her like she was wrong to want to be close and included by me.. AITA?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Cute-Profession9983 −  Pops is thinking with his d instead of sitting down and having a come to Jesus moment with his boundary pushing wife. Because that’s what she is. HIS wife. She came into your life when you were already an adult and out of the house.

Honestly, you may have to threaten to cut him off if he doesn’t get his wife in line and make it clear she is not your mother or a mother figure and if she keeps it up, you won’t even pretend she’s a grandparent. And never leave your eventual kids overnight with her. She’ll be creepy and maybe even try to keep them…

sweety_sofia −  NTA! Your dad’s wife is seriously overstepping here. Grieving is personal, and she can’t just force a bond because she wants to be a mom figure… Your feelings matter!

ManagementFinal3345 −  NTA. You went thru something horrible and emotionally painful. Your step mom is NOT your comfort person at all. Your step mom…..”Hmmm. How can I make this situation ALL ABOUT ME and use it to get what I want?

I know I’ll hold a grieving woman hostage for 3 hours while I whine about all of MY problems with never getting pregnant 40 years ago and call it a bonding experience.” And then she wonders why you don’t want her around? Really? Is she blind to herself?

People trying to force closeness on you which doesn’t exist is one of the most uncomfortable feelings in the world. It doesn’t come from a nice selfless place. It comes from a self centered selfish place. They want the closeness when you don’t and they are weaponizing your trauma to get it.

War_D0ct0r −  This dad, this is exactly why I didn’t tell you. This is hard enough without you and your “wife” making it harder.

KarayanLucine −  Tell him when he replaced your mom he forgot to get the new model quality assurance tested. He doesnt seem to have the manual either. The off button would help tons. I am an a**hole. You? Your dad is lucky to have a patient daughter.

PrairieGrrl5263 −  NTA. “Well, Dad, I shared my experience with you the first time and learned why that was a bad idea. This time I tried something else and so far it’s working out better for me. The person actually experiencing the tragedy.”

Sleepy-Giraffe947 −  NTA. I’m really sorry for your loss OP. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling. Your dad is acting defensive but he needs to understand the miscarriages aren’t about him or his wife. It’s about you and your husband and the losses you’ve experienced.

If you decide to bring this up again to establish boundaries, try to be clear that how they’re acting isn’t acceptable and it’s hindering your ability to grieve. If they care about you, they’ll at least try to see it from your perspective. Good luck.

winterworld561 −  You need to block her number. Honestly you need to go no contact with the both of them. I’m so sorry for your loses but her behaviour is weird. If you do end up having a child she will try to take over and mother it. Your dad is rude and knows his wife makes you very uncomfortable by overstepping, yet he does nothing to stop her.

Mundane_Morning9454 −  NTA. You do not want to bond. End of the line. Nobody should you force into it or tell you that you have to.. That is not how it works… She overstepped big time last time and didn’t listen 🤷‍♀️ avoiding it is only better then. Both your Dad and his wife need to learn no is no!

MoonlitElegance_8 −  NTA: You are perfectly entitled to manage your miscarriage however you see fit. It can also be emotionally taxing to deal with rude remarks made by family members.

Was the Redditor justified in setting firm boundaries to protect her emotional well-being, or should she have communicated her reasons more openly with her father? How would you handle a delicate family dynamic like this? Share your thoughts below!