AITA For “hiding” my child’s savings account from my ex and not letting him contribute?

A Reddit user shares a story about creating a private savings account for her son without involving her ex-husband, who recently learned of it and wants to contribute.

While the account has grown over eight years due to her consistent deposits, her ex feels left out and insists on becoming a co-owner, despite not being able to match her contributions. She refused, which led to a confrontation, leaving her wondering if she’s in the wrong. Read on for the full story below.

‘ AITA For “hiding” my child’s savings account from my ex and not letting him contribute?’

My ex and I divorced 8 years ago. We have a 12 year old son together. We don’t discuss finances other than child support. I don’t care for any money he may or may not give to our child directly.

Years ago I opened a savings account for my kid. I religiously transfer a set amount + child benefit into it every single month. I also put some “loose change” in there whenever I can. My kid knows of this account and gets to decide if any monetary gifts from family and friends are to be spent immediately or added to his growing savings.

He doesn’t keep tabs on the account, but has a rough idea of how much he “gets” every month and how much he’s got already. My son must’ve told my ex about the account, because my ex approached me about it. He asked to see the account- I refused. He asked to at least know the exact amount (he has a rough idea)- I refused, I don’t see the point.

He asked to contribute and become a “co-owner” (as in- the account is to be “from mum and dad”)- I asked if he’d like to make a big initial payment- he doesn’t, as he doesn’t have “that kind of money to just throw into an account nobody can access for years” he just wants to join in now and throw in some cash here and there, but the amount that’s already in there is to be overlooked. I refused.

He told me that I can only afford that thanks to his child support contributions- I told him that the child support is his duty and is spent on our son’s current needs, not for him to hold it over my head.

He called me a j**k for not telling him about the account when I first opened it because now he’s “8 years behind” and won’t be able to match it and it will look bad when my kid grows up and only gets my support. I told him that it’s up to him whether or not he invests in our child’s future, he still has a long time to save something if he so wishes.

He told me I was a j**k for purposefully making him look like a “bad dad” for not having thought of something like this. I don’t think it’s fair of him to ask to jump in and claim to have contributed to the savings I’ve worked hard on for years,

but now I wonder if I actually acted like an AH for creating a situation in which I look like the “better” & “more caring” parent? Should I have told him about it when I first opened the account? Should I just let him contribute to keep the peace? The money is going to end up in my son’s account anyway, no matter if he receives payments from 2 savings accounts or just one.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

owls_and_cardinals −  NTA. You’ve done nothing wrong, in fact I think his reaction to this realization that the account exists is all the proof you need to know it would have been bad for him to be involved from the beginning. If he can contribute to it, he can withdraw from it too, I believe.

Minimally it would introduce questions around who really provided that AND it would give him some more say in how it is spent. Keep firm boundaries. He is in NO WAY disadvantaged here. He can start his own savings account for the kid, either large or small. It is absurdly unreasonable for him to expect you to ‘share’ it with him now.

EDIT: It’s also a common but faulty critique for people who pay child support to act like everything the recipient can do financially is ‘because’ of that contribution. Pay no mind.

4th_chakra −  He called me a j**k for not telling him about the account when I first opened it because now he’s “8 years behind” and won’t be able to match it and it will look bad when my kid grows up and only gets my support.

This isn’t about you being financially responsible, and saving for your son’s future. This is about your ex’s ego, and control, and inventing this drama to lay (yet another?) guilt trip on you, while making it all about him and this “lost opportunity to show his benevolence”.

If he really wanted to save for your son’s future, he had 8 years to do it. That’s entirely on him. (I can see why he is your ex). Your son is only 12. There is a *whole lot of time* for your ex to open his own savings account, contribute as he wants, then give that to your son when he comes of age. All by himself. Like an adult.. Guess WTA is here.. Not you.. NTA

Arc-en-ciel-x2 −  NTA. Also some possible red flags in the fact that he doesn’t just want to contribute to the savings but wants to be the co-owner and know how much money is in there. It comes to mind for me to make sure this money is protected for your child and cannot be accessed by anyone else.

hubertburnette −  NTA. Is he banned from banks or something? If it’s so important to him to contribute money, then why didn’t he open an account years ago?

Reasonable-Sale8611 −  What bothers me is him saying that you were only able to open the account because of his child support contributions. As if he should only contribute to child support to the extent it keeps you and your child out of abject poverty and that anything he contributes is him being generous, rather than his obligation to contribute to the support of his own child.

Worth-Season3645 −  NTA…There is no reason for him to be on that account. If he is adult enough to make a child, he is adult enough to know that he could have made an account for his child at anytime. He can do so now or he can give you money to put in the account for his child.

Dog-Mom-2-2 −  And the reason he can’t open one on his own and contribute is???????

FantasticCabinet2623 −  NTA and _do not_ put him on the account or give him any way to access the money there, that is just asking for it to be stolen.
He cares so much about the kid, he can open a separate account and put any money for him there.

Oh-its-Tuesday −  NTA. Dude wants to steal “cachet” from you by acting like he contributed 1/2 of the account over the years when in reality he plans to put $20 in there once or twice a year for the next 10 years. That’s why he wanted to know how much is in there and wants to be a 50% owner of the account. So he can brag about how awesome of a dad he is without actually having to do any work. 

Schala00neg −  I think you should have a discussion with your kid about not telling people about his savings; people can get weird about it, as your ex has shown.

Do you think the Redditor should have told her ex about the savings account sooner, or is she justified in keeping it separate? Should she allow him to contribute now, even if it can’t match her past efforts? Share your thoughts below!