AITA For “hiding” my child’s savings account from my ex and not letting him contribute?
A Reddit user shares a story about creating a private savings account for her son without involving her ex-husband, who recently learned of it and wants to contribute.
While the account has grown over eight years due to her consistent deposits, her ex feels left out and insists on becoming a co-owner, despite not being able to match her contributions. She refused, which led to a confrontation, leaving her wondering if she’s in the wrong. Read on for the full story below.
‘ AITA For “hiding” my child’s savings account from my ex and not letting him contribute?’
My ex and I divorced 8 years ago. We have a 12 year old son together. We don’t discuss finances other than child support. I don’t care for any money he may or may not give to our child directly.
Years ago I opened a savings account for my kid. I religiously transfer a set amount + child benefit into it every single month. I also put some “loose change” in there whenever I can. My kid knows of this account and gets to decide if any monetary gifts from family and friends are to be spent immediately or added to his growing savings.
He doesn’t keep tabs on the account, but has a rough idea of how much he “gets” every month and how much he’s got already. My son must’ve told my ex about the account, because my ex approached me about it. He asked to see the account- I refused. He asked to at least know the exact amount (he has a rough idea)- I refused, I don’t see the point.
He asked to contribute and become a “co-owner” (as in- the account is to be “from mum and dad”)- I asked if he’d like to make a big initial payment- he doesn’t, as he doesn’t have “that kind of money to just throw into an account nobody can access for years” he just wants to join in now and throw in some cash here and there, but the amount that’s already in there is to be overlooked. I refused.
He told me that I can only afford that thanks to his child support contributions- I told him that the child support is his duty and is spent on our son’s current needs, not for him to hold it over my head.
He called me a j**k for not telling him about the account when I first opened it because now he’s “8 years behind” and won’t be able to match it and it will look bad when my kid grows up and only gets my support. I told him that it’s up to him whether or not he invests in our child’s future, he still has a long time to save something if he so wishes.
He told me I was a j**k for purposefully making him look like a “bad dad” for not having thought of something like this. I don’t think it’s fair of him to ask to jump in and claim to have contributed to the savings I’ve worked hard on for years,
but now I wonder if I actually acted like an AH for creating a situation in which I look like the “better” & “more caring” parent? Should I have told him about it when I first opened the account? Should I just let him contribute to keep the peace? The money is going to end up in my son’s account anyway, no matter if he receives payments from 2 savings accounts or just one.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
owls_and_cardinals − NTA. You’ve done nothing wrong, in fact I think his reaction to this realization that the account exists is all the proof you need to know it would have been bad for him to be involved from the beginning. If he can contribute to it, he can withdraw from it too, I believe.
Minimally it would introduce questions around who really provided that AND it would give him some more say in how it is spent. Keep firm boundaries. He is in NO WAY disadvantaged here. He can start his own savings account for the kid, either large or small. It is absurdly unreasonable for him to expect you to ‘share’ it with him now.
EDIT: It’s also a common but faulty critique for people who pay child support to act like everything the recipient can do financially is ‘because’ of that contribution. Pay no mind.
4th_chakra − He called me a j**k for not telling him about the account when I first opened it because now he’s “8 years behind” and won’t be able to match it and it will look bad when my kid grows up and only gets my support.
This isn’t about you being financially responsible, and saving for your son’s future. This is about your ex’s ego, and control, and inventing this drama to lay (yet another?) guilt trip on you, while making it all about him and this “lost opportunity to show his benevolence”.
If he really wanted to save for your son’s future, he had 8 years to do it. That’s entirely on him. (I can see why he is your ex). Your son is only 12. There is a *whole lot of time* for your ex to open his own savings account, contribute as he wants, then give that to your son when he comes of age. All by himself. Like an adult.. Guess WTA is here.. Not you.. NTA
Arc-en-ciel-x2 − NTA. Also some possible red flags in the fact that he doesn’t just want to contribute to the savings but wants to be the co-owner and know how much money is in there. It comes to mind for me to make sure this money is protected for your child and cannot be accessed by anyone else.
hubertburnette − NTA. Is he banned from banks or something? If it’s so important to him to contribute money, then why didn’t he open an account years ago?
Reasonable-Sale8611 − What bothers me is him saying that you were only able to open the account because of his child support contributions. As if he should only contribute to child support to the extent it keeps you and your child out of abject poverty and that anything he contributes is him being generous, rather than his obligation to contribute to the support of his own child.
Worth-Season3645 − NTA…There is no reason for him to be on that account. If he is adult enough to make a child, he is adult enough to know that he could have made an account for his child at anytime. He can do so now or he can give you money to put in the account for his child.
Dog-Mom-2-2 − And the reason he can’t open one on his own and contribute is???????
FantasticCabinet2623 − NTA and _do not_ put him on the account or give him any way to access the money there, that is just asking for it to be stolen.
He cares so much about the kid, he can open a separate account and put any money for him there.
Oh-its-Tuesday − NTA. Dude wants to steal “cachet” from you by acting like he contributed 1/2 of the account over the years when in reality he plans to put $20 in there once or twice a year for the next 10 years. That’s why he wanted to know how much is in there and wants to be a 50% owner of the account. So he can brag about how awesome of a dad he is without actually having to do any work.
Schala00neg − I think you should have a discussion with your kid about not telling people about his savings; people can get weird about it, as your ex has shown.
Do you think the Redditor should have told her ex about the savings account sooner, or is she justified in keeping it separate? Should she allow him to contribute now, even if it can’t match her past efforts? Share your thoughts below!
I think his plan is even more devious. He will go back to court and say he doesn’t owe as much child support because obviously you don’t need it. He has no business, knowing any of your finances
Nta/Child support is for care now, You contributing to your child’s savings is for his future. They are not connected or interchangeable. Your ex is trying to be the big DAD, & boost his ego, he has nothing to do with what YOU have set aside for your child. Do not entertain the thought of him being included on your accounts. If ex wants to start him a new account (the more the better), let him. leave yours alone. Do not give the ex any access, Y does he needed it, it’s not for HIS use or benefit, and teach your son, when his age is 18/21 to not be pressured into the way he spends it by his father
NTA. Have you thought about speaking with a financial advisor about a safe, secure investment account?
No reason he can’t send you extra money to add to his son’s account. Just because it isn’t in his name, the purpose of the account is to provide assistance to his son in later years when he needs it for school or whatever. Only his Ego would prevent him from adding to the existent account.
no it was none of his business as long as the child was cared for. he can always give her the money to go in the account. His name doesn’t have to be and best not to be on it.
Do not allow your ex any access to your child’s account because he will either claim he contributed half or he will drain it dry as soon as he can. I’ve seen both happen. If he truly wanted to contribute to your son’s future he would have opened his own account for him.
BIG RED FLAG here! Ex only wants access to the account so he can dip into it. Don’t give him any access and yes, tell your son to keep quiet about the account to everybody. People are greedy now and only want what they can get for themselves. You ex won’t contribute much but will claim he has. Let him open his own account and save up for son’s future. You did good, OP. Don’t cave in to him!
NTA – Nothing was or is stopping him from setting up an account for his child. No reason to tell him though child spilled the beans. Don’t let him anywhere near the existing account you created.
Is the account for the benefit of the child or is it to make you the favorite parent. I certainly would not add his name to the account. As a matter of fact, I would make sure a trusted someone would be in charge of the funds there if something happens to you before he reaches his majority. But I would let him contribute and let it be known to the child that his father had contributed what he could when he could. Children should never be involved in the hostile relationship of the parents. They figure it out for themselves without you pointing it out.
NTA, why can’t he open an account now and contribute on his own? Once your son is old enough he would understand that both parents did what they could at the time. He could also invest in stocks or other investments for his son. He’s only making excuses. When my son was born he had 3 bank accounts before he was 3 months and his father doesn’t know about 2 of them and he doesn’t know the balance on the one he actually knows about and we are live together.
Sure he can have access to current account. Just as soon as he opens one, matches what’s in the current one and gives you co-ownership in the new one! Then no problem. Otherwise the answer is not only no but h*ll no! Seems your ex is a little to worried about appearances. Maybe he should be a little more worried about being a good role model for your son.
Definitely do not give access to ex. The father can open an account for the child himself. I would explain to your son about not sharing this information, especially and bank details with anyone, including his father and explain to him what money has gone in and where from so his dad cannot guilt trip into giving said ex any banking account details. I would be extremely worried about the existence behaviour over this!!! Make sure he cannot access this at all
I don’t think that it’s your exes business what you do with your money. Because essentially it was your money that you earned and decided to set aside for your child. NTA at all, your ex on the other hand is.
He sounds like trouble to me. Once his name is on the account, the money will be gone. He will not contribute; he will take it all. (This is exactly what my own Dad did) once he has access.
Tell your ex he can open a separate account that will pay out say 5 yrs after yours thus allowing him to caych up as much as possible. That way your son benefits twice, once from each parent. See how your ex likes that idea.
Absolutely NTA! As a minor teenager, I mistakenly allowed my father access to my account, being told back then, he could only deposit money into the account if his name was on it (not true BTW, but misguided by bank officials!!). Almost immediately he withdrew all but $5. from my account. He absconded with several thousands that had been accumulated over several years of birthday, babysitting, odd jobs, etc.
I was saving for a high school trip to Europe. My Mother stepped in with a lawyer and there was no legal recourse against my father or the bank. I signed the papers granting him access. My father felt the money was owed to him because my Mother got the house. But he never paid any child support. I was very naive to trust him. The OP needs to have a very serious chat with her 12 yr old about this topic. Her EX is a manipulative.
She wasn’t under any obligation to tell the ex about the account. She should stress to her son that discussions about money between he and his dad, when they involve the mother, are not appropriate. Not keeping secrets, just keeping what is their business, their business. This is an account that has nothing to do with the dad. He’s free to open his own account for his son and that would be none of the ex-wife’s business either.
My ex used to tell our sons that the money he “pays” me should all go right into their pockets and that I should pay half their college despite me having been a stay at home Mom until shortly before the divorce. He made six figures and I barely made over minimum wage when I went back to work.
no need to tell him she started an account. He could have started one if he wanted to. He just wants to look good, and know how much is there. He’ll probably try to talk the kid out of the money.
Most of my friends who were single mothers (not all I grant you) had a difficult time getting any support from their fathers for their children. Most of them didn’t see anything, because, the fathers claimed they were putting aside money, in a special bank account, for the child, to be available when they were older/adult/ college etc. Not one of these famous accounts every paid up. Not one!!! No money materialised at the young persons 18th/21st birthday!! This was an excuse used to welch on child support payments & suggest the mother of their child was not able to steward the finances properly & spend it on themselves. The accounts never existed.
He can open his own account for the child, as many men before him have claimed, and see what happens. I’ve only every known one father, who lamented he couldn’t support his ex more, because, in his eyes, she was doing the heavy lifting raising his only child, the only one he knew he would ever have. And he was right, he did screw up a lot, but as I say, the only one who acknowledged it, and I respect him for that.