AITA for having security at my mother’s funeral, having certain people barred entry?

A Redditor organized their mother’s funeral and hired security to ensure a peaceful ceremony. Due to past family dynamics, they barred entry to their estranged father, his new wife, and certain relatives who had sided with him after a contentious divorce.

When one cousin invited the father without permission, the Redditor had both the father and cousin escorted out, leading to a significant family rift. Were these actions justified, or did they go too far? Read the full story below…

 

‘ AITA for having security at my mother’s funeral, having certain people barred entry?’

My parents divorced ten years ago, my father initiated it. He was seeing someone else and wanted to see if the grass was greener on the other side. I neither am for or against his reasoning but I was against how he treated my mother after they finalized their separation.

One key event that stands out is in deliberating how assets (or rather, debt) was divided, my father promised my mother that he’d still around, still be in her life, even be friends, and see if they could rekindle their marriage, but only if my mother took every penny of debt.

My mother was naive to agree to it, because once the divorce was finalized, my father was on a plane in a matter of days, off to live his new life. It should be obvious that none of us were happy with my father, and I’ve been no contact the entire time. My mother passed three weeks ago. She is survived by my two siblings and I.

I was in charge of the funeral. I knew some of my cousins on my mother’s side blamed my mother for their divorce and actively stayed in touch with my father. Imagine that, my mother’s family took my father’s side in all of this. I also knew there would be a nonzero chance my father would show up, and if he did, it would not be to pay his respects.

So I hired security for the funeral and church service. Long story short, my father and his new wife showed up. They were barred entry. One of my aunts got very upset and caused a scene and let slip her daughter, my cousin, invited him. So I had security escort my cousin out of the funeral, too.

This event has caused a rift between families, or at least embiggened the one already there. A few of my aunts and a lot of my cousin think I went overboard, some even removing me from Facebook. Was I the a**hole in this situation?

For what it’s worth, I was not super close to those who were ejected from the funeral, nor the ones who caused a fuss. I can live a happy life having zero contact with them again, so I’ve lost nothing. I’m still no contact with my father (who flew out for the funeral).

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

TheAngryCSR −  Hell no NTA. His very presence is an insult. And the fact that your cousin disrespected your wishes made the cousin an a**hole too.

[Reddit User] −  NTA f**k em. Doesn’t sound like they were good family to begin with and you’re better off without them. But the fact you did this with bond villain panache and hired goons is a f**king baller move too.

I hope to f**k that when it turned out your cousin invited your dad you just did like a finger click to have her escorted off the premises. I actually want to up vote this twice. What a f**king power play. Thanks for the Silver kind person. And for the Gold, that’s too kind.

littleyellowfish1999 −  NTA your father had no business showing up to a FUNERAL to gloat, and your cousin was wrong for inviting him. She was your mother and therefore your decision

randomusername02130 −  NTA. No you are not. You, being the child, should know more on the subject than your not always present cousins, and it’s strange that your cousins on your mother’s side would invite your father without your consent. Your father clearly does not have his priorities straight and thinks only for himself and you have every right to be mad at him and cut ties. You are not the a**hole.

sleepymcsleepersonss −  NTA. The funeral wasn’t for your dad, it was for your mom. It was wise of you to hire security to keep it under control and overall an a**hole move of your dad to even show up.

Sometime I think people feel like they need to show to funerals when they really just don’t. Showing up to someone’s funeral doesn’t somehow correct the s**tty way you treated them when they were alive. I’m so sorry for your loss and the family drama that has ensued. You did the right thing.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. He didn’t respect your mother in her life, and has no business paying respects to her in death.

Tutustitcher −  NTA for sure. And bonus points for the use of ’embiggened’.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. Your Mum’s funeral is not a playground for family drama llamas, and you did well by hiring people instead of trying to handle it yourself.

NaughtyDred −  INFO – What is their reasoning for taking your dad’s side in the divorce?

worm600 −  Eh, I’m going slightly against the grain with ESH. Your dad obviously sucks for his past behavior towards his mother. But I don’t think you considered the ramifications of having security at a funeral and the impact on other guests.

Funerals aren’t for the dead, they’re for the living, and paying your respects under guard – or watching someone get throw out while doing so – is awkward and uncomfortable at best, deeply unpleasant at worst.

I think you’ve taken your own distaste for your father and externalized it on your other guests, and therefore are somewhat to blame in this specific situation for not handling things better. At a minimum, you should have contacted your father in advance – via other relatives, if necessary – and let him know he wasn’t welcome.

Was the Redditor right to prioritize a peaceful farewell for their mother, even if it caused a larger family conflict? Or could there have been a better way to handle the situation? Share your thoughts and experiences below!