AITA for having Christmas with my family two years in a row?

A woman (30F) and her husband (32M) are facing family tension over their Christmas plans. After losing her grandmother last year right after Christmas, they decided to spend this year’s holiday with her family as a “re-do.”

Her mother-in-law (MIL), who lives five hours away, has been calling repeatedly and insisting they visit her instead, despite prior discussions. The MIL is upset, claiming it’s unfair since the couple lives near the wife’s family. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for having Christmas with my family two years in a row?’

Myself (30F) and my husband (32M) live about 5 hours away from my in-laws and in the same town as my parents. We alternate all the major holidays and also drive up a couple times a year to visit his family. My husband overall dreads going as his mother is a bit on the overbearing side.

She is lovely as a person but she is very nosy and wants to be involved in everyone’s business. My BIL will still be spending the holiday with my in-laws so it’s not as though they are going to be doing things completely alone.

This year for Thanksgiving (we are Canadian) my husband informed my MIL that we would be doing Christmas with my parents again this year and she broke down into hysterics telling my husband “No, you’re lying”.

We had already informed her prior to this that we would be doing Christmas at home so it wouldn’t be an unpleasant Thanksgiving surprise, but she refused to acknowledge this information and just pretended we said nothing every time so she was acting as if this was her first time hearing the information.

This also caused a very awkward Thanksgiving visit as my MIL tried to manipulate me into convincing my husband that we would be coming for Christmas even after he put his foot down about it and said absolutely not. My MIL even pulled the line of “You get to see your parents all the time so it’s just not fair!”

The reason we are doing Christmas with my parents again this year is so we can have a re-do of last year as my paternal grandmother literally died the day after Christmas. The holiday was basically cancelled as a result of this. She got sick very suddenly on the 23rd and was misdiagnosed with a badder infection.

On Dec 24th, she woke up with severe intestinal pain and had black diarrhea so my dad and I rushed her to the hospital. That evening, after extensive testing, we were told that she had such severe metastatic cancer originating in the bowel that it was a miracle she was even alive at this point. Two days later she passed away.

If things had gone to plan, my husband and I were going to do our own private Christmas on the 25th and then do stuff with my parents on the 26th. My husband had been super excited to finally get a Christmas that he had a full say in rather than one dictated by his mother.

Obviously he wasn’t going to complain to me as it was not something that could have ever been predicted but he was excited for the chance at a do-over this year. My MIL has been repeatedly calling my husband on the phone and trying to wear him down for us to visit.

He puts his foot down each time but I am starting to feel bad at this point and I’m wondering if I should just tell him we will go. My parents don’t care but would like to know so they can make their own plans.

If they don’t do the holiday with us, they will travel to spend Christmas with my aunt but they just want some notice of this. So AITA? Or I guess are my husband and I the assholes for spending Christmas with my parents two years in a row?

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

extinct_diplodocus −  NTA for not going, but you’re being TA to your husband. He told his mother “absolutely not”.. He doesn’t want to go, and you’re second guessing him. It’s bad enough having his mother dispute him and not accept “no” for an answer. Please stop meddling and let your husband make the decision regarding his own birth family.

corgihuntress −  First, no. Don’t even think of it. Have your husband’s back. Don’t help his mom b**ly him. Second, no. Don’t reward her bad behavior. Instead, simply tell her if that if she brings it up again, you’ll have to hang up the phone and you won’t respond to any more texts concerning the subject.

Tell her that if she still won’t stop, you’ll simply not talk to her for a month (you and hubby) and then don’t. Eventually she’ll learn that you have boundaries and you will enforce them.. NTA

Human-Obligation3621 −  NTA. His parents should be more understanding knowing what you went through last year.

East_Parking8340 −  If you give in she then knows that’s all she has to do to get her way. You’re entitled to have the Christmas you both want and your BF’s reaction tells me that he’d hate going and have an awful time. Stick to your guns and have wonderful time burning the Christmas dinner.. NTA

Ok-Bonus-1188 −  Yta. You are wondering if you should tell him that you guys are just going to go. He said NO. To you and his mother. Respect him more than his mother does and listen. Who cares if shes calling? His mom, his problem. He decides how to manage this. I dont see the point of the post?

Husbands mom wants son for Christmas. Husband said no. Moms upset. So clearly Christmas is with your family… exactly what you both wanted.. What a waste of time.

DgShwgrl −  NTA to your question. I’m so sorry for your loss. However; My MIL has been repeatedly calling my husband on the phone and trying to wear him down for us to visit. He puts his foot down each time but I am starting to feel bad at this point and I’m wondering if I should just tell him we will go.

Why on earth would you think that?! Absolutely stop wondering about this. You and your husband have made a choice you are happy with and **you need to stick to it.**

AmosHiFi2902 −  NTA. I have an overbearing MIL too. I love her, but OMG! Sometimes, she can be a bit too much. Her favourite trick, is passive aggressively-fat-shaming (she loves Slimming World and thinks everyone should do it if they’re overweight.) She wants us all around for Christmas Dinner this year;

but after Covid restrictions – we’ve come to adore Christmas, at home – no leaving the house, chilling out, cooking, eating; when we decide to. If you want to come to our house, come, by all means; but our Christmas is our Christmas.  You do you. Enjoy your Christmas, the way you want too. 

CrewelSummer −  NTA. Most couples I know alternate holidays, but I don’t know a single one who has been able to alternate every single year successfully without aberrations or exceptions. Life is messy. Sometimes people get pregnant/have a baby and can’t travel as far as they normally would.

Sometimes there’s an unexpected emergency that prevents traveling physically or financially. Sometimes there’s weather. S**t just happens. And in my book, births, deaths, global pandemics, and acts of God are all unquestionably valid reasons for the holiday schedule to shift. Anyone who is mad about you wanting to re-do a holiday because *a family member died last year and it wasn’t very jolly* is all the way out of order.

I wouldn’t agree to another holiday with that person until they’d pulled their head out from up their arse and apologized. Absolute nonsense and utter AH behavior from your MIL. **SOMEONE F**KING DIED, SHARON. STOP MAKING IT ALL ABOUT YOU**

Early-Tale-2578 −  If your husband already said no on visiting his mom and he puts his foot down with her when she calls and whine why on earth would you tell him y’all are just going to go ?? Get a backbone woman

Spiritual_Cry3316 −  NTA. And since your husband doesn’t want to go see his mother over the holidays, for gosh sake DO NOT change any plans for that woman! If you do, she will learn that her badgering works and you will never have any peace ever again.

My suggestion to your husband is to tell Mama Dearest that the matter is closed. And if she brings it up again, he should say goodbye and hang up the phone. EVERY – SINGLE – TIME. If you’re lucky she’ll get the message. People like her are insufferable!

Do you think the couple’s decision to spend Christmas with her family is reasonable under the circumstances, or should they make a compromise with his family? How would you handle balancing holiday traditions and family expectations? Share your thoughts below!