AITA for hating my husband? ?
A Reddit user shares her struggles in her long-term marriage, questioning if she’s being unreasonable for feeling resentful toward her husband despite his loyalty and decency.
She describes years of feeling unappreciated, as her husband rarely makes romantic gestures or takes initiative for special occasions, even after multiple attempts to communicate her needs. Therapy has helped in some ways, but old patterns persist, leaving her feeling more alone and undervalued. Read her story below.
‘ AITA for hating my husband? ?’
I need to know if I’m being unreasonable. My husband does not hit me nor is he emotionally a**sive (obviously, we have fights where we both might say hurtful things but nothing structurally a**sive). He helps me with little things such as taking my car to the garage, helps a lot with the kids, yard work and so on. He is loyal, completely uninterested in other women and thinks I’m the sexiest woman on earth lol.
But it’s so hard to feel appreciated by him. We’ve dated/ been married 20 years and I didn’t receive a birthday present for about 12 years although in the last couple of years, he’s finally started taking me out for a birthday dinner. Besides birthdays, IF we go out, it’s always me who arranges, plans and pays for the activity.
I made more than him (a bit more than double) for years so could be why but neither of us earn a low income (we’re probably quite well to do). This, together with some other stuff, culminated into me thinking I don’t need him at all (wanted a divorce) and we went into therapy.
He was shocked that I wanted a divorce, and made some major changes. We both wanted to save it as we have kids. Quit his dead end job, got a new one that more so now he earns close to what I do, sometimes more. I mention jobs and money because I think it helps with understanding the dynamic.
It’s been nice to not have to shoulder the financial load in the family. Also promised to ‘ cherish’ me and to do more fun things- this resulted in a dinner or two, a piece of jewelry and a promise of something fun for us to do together(the last part never happened ).
A year plus into this and as expected, nothings really changed. No dates, no fun activity. Had our 3rd child, and no flowers, nothing. I was explicit that I wanted really nice sushi .
He called up a place i like but they don’t do takeaways so he didn’t get me sushi (or anything else). This passivity annoys me. It’s not like I asked for a car or a diamond necklace. So tell me, am I the a**hole for hating this guy when he’s otherwise a decent dad and isn’t cheating/a**sive?
See what others had to share with OP:
unimpressed-one − YTA for keep having kids you know will end up in a broken family.
dutchcharm − In this situation you have another child? wtf.. Poor child.
OpenDaCloset − I read the title and all i can do is think youre the a**hole for not moving on and instead writing a long ass story on Reddit. He made a bunch of changes after you brought up concerns the first time but you still “hate” him….but then you had another kid?! Wtf…man i don’t know where this idea of marriage comes from but it sounds like a bunch of b**lshit to be honest. Y’all are crazy!
vbandbeer − Yta for having another child when all these problems were going on. Did you expect the kid to solve them?
NumberFour_123 − Yes, if you actually hate him YTA.. I’ll keep this short. Falling out of love is a thing. Sometimes you just lose the spark. But it’s unfair to blame him and hate him for this, he sounds like a great father and good husband.
Not going out often seems reasonable since you have three kids. And have you considered that he may not like the same activities as you? An example, I really don’t enjoy partying or restaurant dates, I much prefer watching a movie at home orordering food online. You should try finding something both parties enjoy.
MeggieMay1988 − My husband is a lot like this too. He adores me, and will do anything I ASK. He is simply incapable of spontaneous gestures, and doesn’t think to buy gifts. I literally have to tell him exactly what I want, where he can get it, and when to go get it. Otherwise, it is absolutely not happening.
My two favorite flowers are sunflowers and tulips. I recently got upset that we went all the way through both seasons, and he didn’t get me flowers once so far this year. When I get upset, of course he then goes out and gets them.
When I get upset that he has planned a total of 3 dates in 17 years, he will kinda start planning something, then ask me to make a reservation, and arrange childcare. I don’t have an answer for you unfortunately. Most of the time, this stuff doesn’t bug me, but I go through phases that it does.
I honestly recognize that at this point, it’s up to me to either accept it, or move on. Anytime I really think about it though, I realize I’m being s**fish expecting him to be someone he isn’t. He isn’t going to change, but he is a wonderful husband I’m so many other ways. He’s an incredible dad, and I honestly love him too much to ever leave. I’m going to say NAH, but maybe it’s time to try and reframe the way you are thinking of this.
graveytrane − You expect these gestures from him, does he expect/receive the same type of gestures from you?
Evacapi − “You don’t need him?” That is why you enter a romantic relationship? Out of need? And you “hate” him for not taking you out? Sad individual. Not only you ATH but you deserve to be alone.
ProfessorNice3195 − YTAH. No comments necessary.
AlwaysHelpful22 − It seems like the moment you realized you “didn’t need him” you were done with him. This says as much about you as it does him.
Do you think the user’s expectations are fair, or is she putting too much weight on romantic gestures and special occasions? Should her husband be making a bigger effort to show appreciation, or does this relationship require a different kind of compromise? Share your thoughts below!
