AITA for going on a spontaneous trip with my best friend instead of helping my partner with a family event?
A woman went on a long-planned road trip with her best friend rather than helping her boyfriend, Jake, prepare for an important family dinner. While Jake initially seemed okay with her plans, he grew upset as the event approached, claiming she should prioritize his family.
Despite his disappointment and silent treatment, she went on the trip, sparking further tension upon her return. She wonders if she was wrong for sticking to her plans instead of helping with the dinner. read the original story below…
‘ AITA for going on a spontaneous trip with my best friend instead of helping my partner with a family event?’
I (28F) have been dating my boyfriend “Jake” (30M) for about 2 years. We live together and things have been mostly great. However, we’ve been having a bit of tension lately, and this weekend, it came to a head. I have this best friend “Ella” (29F) who I’ve known since childhood.
We’re really close, and we’ve been planning a road trip to a nearby beach town for months. Ella and I love spontaneous adventures, and we’d been talking about going for weeks. I know it sounds silly, but we were both really excited for this getaway.
The problem started when Jake’s mom planned a big family dinner and asked him to help with preparations. The dinner was going to be at Jake’s family’s house, and it’s a pretty big deal in their family. They always make a huge thing about it, and Jake usually has to do a lot of work.
He mentioned it a few days before and asked if I could help out. I told him I had this trip with Ella already planned, and I didn’t want to cancel. He was fine at first but then started getting upset as the day approached.
Jake kept reminding me that this dinner was important, that his mom and family were counting on us, and that I should be there to support him. He asked me to reconsider the trip. I could tell he was a little annoyed, but I didn’t feel like I should have to cancel because of this dinner.
I told him that I wasn’t backing out on my plans, and Ella and I had been really looking forward to this. The morning of the trip, Jake gave me the silent treatment. I tried to talk to him, but he kept saying he was “disappointed” in me and that it was selfish to go when I knew how much this dinner meant to him.
I still left with Ella, and we had a great time at the beach, but Jake has been distant since I got back. He’s mentioned a few times how he felt like I “chose a trip over his family” and how I “should have been more understanding.” He says I should have prioritized him, especially when his family is involved.
I feel like I shouldn’t have to give up plans with my best friend for a family event that I didn’t agree to in the first place. But, I also get that family events can be important. I’m feeling a little torn and guilty because I know Jake’s upset, but I also don’t think I did anything wrong.
So, AITA for going on my trip with Ella instead of helping Jake with his family event? TL;DR: Went on a planned road trip with my best friend instead of helping my boyfriend with a family dinner. He’s upset, but I don’t think I should have canceled my trip.
These are the responses from Reddit users:
tinyd71 − I wonder why Jake deemed the event *he* wanted to attend more important than the event *you* wanted to attend. Jake’s response to you not acquiescing to his reminders/annoyance is worrisome from a 30 year old man you seem to be in a serious relationship with: *the silent treatment?
Being distant? Making comments to try to make you feel guilty?* Take a good look at how Jake handles other “disappointments” or situations where he doesn’t get his way or can’t talk you into getting his way.. NTA
Far-Fox-1619 − A quick reframe: you didn’t choose a trip over Jake’s family. Jake asked you to choose his family over you, your hopes and desires and your childhood friendship. And you stood up for yourself and those things and said no. Good job, I’m proud of you.
This would have been different if he asked you about the dinner first. If you already committed to attend. But you had plans that you were excited about and looking forward to and he tried to coerce you into prioritizing him and his needs over your own.
And now is trying to get you to feel bad so you never do it again. A healthy partner would have respected your no the first time with none of the “punishing you b**lshit when you didn’t give in. It’s totally okay if Jake was disappointed when you first said no.
But this wasn’t news to him and the fact that he continued to try to guilt and manipulate you into changing your mind is weird behavior. . Editing to add judgment: NTA
GreekAmericanDom − NTA Why does Jake get to prioritize his family over your best friend? Best friends are usually the family we choose.. Jake gave me the silent treatment. This stood out. Did you know that the silent treatment isn’t just immature pouting?
It’s controlling behavior and a form of emotional abuse. Your description of the language he used also sounds m**ipulative. I urge you to do a gut check about your relationship with [this quiz](https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/) from https://www.loveisrespect.org.
Artistic_Buffalo_417 − You failed your audition for the role of wife/slave.. Congratulations!. NTA
kimba-the-tabby-lion − NTA. Seems that either his mother picked a date without consulting people, and just expects everyone to cancel their plans to work around her, or she did talk to Jake and he didn’t bother talking to you.
Either way, I honestly think that behaviour is rude. If she issues invitations like a summons, she has to learn that she doesn’t have that power. And if Jake couldn’t be bothered checking with you, that means sometimes you won’t be there.
smokey_flutterby − NTA You’re not married. Yes, you’ve been dating for 2 years, but his family is not yet your family. You have no obligation towards them.
You informed him of the trip, and my assumption, if you had already been discussing it for months, is that he’d been hearing about the concept for some time.
You booked all your travel in and got everything arranged… and then a week later his family made big plans for the same time frame. That’s not a you problem. You had preexisting arrangements for that chunk of time, and they were plans that were important to you.
You don’t have to give those up for something as simple as a family dinner. A bigger event that you knew about ahead of time, like a wedding, would be different. But they do this semi annually, so you’re not missing a once in a lifetime moment, and you didn’t have notice prior to making your own plans.
You said he was fine with it at first. I have to wonder if he was fine with it until he realized he’d have to do all the work you mentioned by himself. Everything about how he’s handled himself since has been childish and to some extent a**sive. The silent treatment is a form of abuse and manipulation.
wlfwrtr − NTA. Jake’s mom plans these get togethers then tells Jake he has to do the work for it? Jake says yes, expecting you to volunteer to do the work with him? When you’ve already got plans he’s upset even though he knew about the plans beforehand?
So what Jake is really upset about is that he couldn’t manipulate you into doing the work for him that he agreed to do for his mom? Maybe he should just tell his mom that the day wouldn’t work for him. You shouldn’t have to be at the beck and call of his family.
Worth-Season3645 − More info….You say you and friend like to do spontaneous trips, and you had been talking g about this beach trip for weeks. How long were actual plans in place for this weekend trip versus when Jake told you about his family’s meal?
And if they always make a big deal about this meal, is it always the same weekend? Or just something they do throughout the year numerous times?
Tinkerpro − So why didn’t he ask his mom to shift the date of the dinner. It wasn’t an engagement/wedding/birth announcement dinner was it? Just everyone gets together twice a year? I can see both sides, but pouting is pretty l**e.
Was she wrong for prioritizing her personal plans over her partner’s family obligations, or should Jake have respected her prior commitment? How can they balance personal and relationship priorities in the future? Share your thoughts below!