AITA for going off on my sister’s (9mo) foster mom after she celebrated the fact that she’s now am orphan? (14F)?

A 14-year-old Redditor shared a heated conflict with their 9-month-old sister’s foster mom after she made comments celebrating the fact that their sister is now an orphan. Struggling with grief and the stress of foster care, the teenager let their emotions boil over during a visit and unleashed their frustration on the foster mom. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for going off on my sister’s (9mo) foster mom after she celebrated the fact that she’s now am orphan? (14F)?’

For context, I raised most of my 6 siblings, and we all got put into foster care in Oct. Back at the very start of Nov, my youngest 2 siblings were placed with them. The visits were every other week at the start, and at the first one I  showed up having not seen them in two weeks. When they arrived the youngest of the 2 (9 months now), was asleep in her car seat. She insisted that I shouldn’t wake her, despite only having an hour.

I woke her up to interact and the three of us just read books together on the chair, just general interaction; no fussing or anything happening but she was glaring at me the whole time. A few days later, on an unmandated visit the 9mo shows up asleep again. I wake her up, all 7 of us hang out, and then I give her back.

Two hours after returning home she messages the foster family I was with at the time and makes them talk to me about not waking up the baby. I told them she could go to hell. That night I texted her about how she would never be my sisters’ mother. I deleted it and apologized the morning after, but it was pretty n**ty and 6 paragraphs.

Fast forward a little bit and my mother ends up committing su!c!de. Because of this, we were granted weekly visits instead. Days after, we had a visit and this woman was ecstatic. My siblings and I were there, the older few of us just dumbfounded by all that’s happened and there she was smiling.

This time she came with the baby in a carrier, so I couldn’t really just take her out. After 10 minutes I went up and asked to hold her. She replied that I couldn’t right now, despite that fact that the baby was awake. I asked her at 4 times before the visit ended.

I managed to not lose it, but on the next visit she shows up gushing to all the other foster parents about how she and her husband are so lucky to get orphans on only her third placement. I didn’t day anything but that ticked me off. I had just switched my own placements and my foster moms didn’t know about the previous incident.

During yesterday’s visit She kept talking the same way, saying things like “Its sad she died and all, but you know, I’ve always wanted to have kids” and “Its so nice to adopt babies, you know? That way they’re not all messed up and disobedient later on. Especially when you won’t have to deal with their bio parents.” I don’t know if its just me, but that in combination with everything leading up to it just set it OFF.

At the end of the visit when it was just my 9 year old brother, me, my foster moms, my brother’s foster mom, and her, (her husband took the kids to the car while she was hanging back to talk a minute longer with the other moms)

I did not hold back, screaming at her for a good four or five minutes about: She isn’t a saint, To never mention my parents like that, She will never be a real mom to my siblings and just generally f**k you. She looked genuinely upset and today my therapist suggested that I might have blown it out of proportion because of pent-up anger from other things.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Clean_Factor9673 −  You need to talk to your worker about how inappropriate this woman is starting from not wanting you to wake your sibling, wouldn’t let you hold sibling, rejoiced that she’s caring for orphans, snapped about disobedient children. Everything. She’s not an appropriate placement as she’s made it clear she wants your siblings and won’t want to allow you to see them.. I’m so sorry about this.

hyperfixmum −  NTA. I was a foster youth and am now a licensed foster parent. You did not blow it out of proportion. That is a complete normal and expected response from a child who was a primary caregiver and raised her siblings, who is dealing with the trauma of the loss of their parent, separation from siblings and just total life chaos.

Who cares about this foster mom’s emotions. She is purposefully having the baby in a carrier to avoid family bonding. She is celebrating trauma and the biggest heartbreak. And your younger baby siblings will have unseen trauma. Your baby siblings know the sound of YOUR voice, your smell and they knew your heartbeat when they laid on you…I’m so angry for you.

You should write up a statement at school, detail the sequence of events and try to stay factual. You should email this to your Case Manager and CC your siblings’ Case Manager if they are different, CC GALs.

In the statement, detail that you are concerned that your siblings’ foster parents slipped through the part of training and licensing where reunification is the goal with ANY bio family member and you were horrified that she was openly excited after your mothers d**th, as it seems she’s hopeful for adoption. Detail what she has said and done.

Say you want this documented in the case file and you want to be present to speak to the judge at any hearings regarding terminating parental rights. Ask if you have a GAL. You need to become bff with your GAL and the goal should be to have your younger siblings moved to a new foster placement.

The goal is to have foster parents or adoptive parents of every sibling on the same page about keeping your ties and visitation as much as possible. Tell your new placement the steps you are taking and that you are VERY concerned this foster mom will not keep familial ties and sibling visitations if they adopted, also say that it’s a concern how she is not “trauma informed”.

If you can get your foster placement to realize this she may also speak up and verify what’s been said. Feel free to DM if you want to escalate it further and need directions on how.

I want to say, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you lost your mom this way and you have had to become the strong one in the family to try and protect everyone. I’m sorry you just can’t be a teenager. I want you to know the anger won’t always be there but you have a right to that anger. Please visit r/momforaminute if you need an encouraging word.

every1remaincalm −  NTA – You are a child in mourning and this woman is a predatory ghoul. I can’t imagine saying things like that outloud at all, let alone in front of you… That’s actually evil and crazy. I would talk to whoever oversees you and your sibling’s foster placements… a social worker? CPS agent? I’m sorry I’m not very familiar with the process.

I think it’s very likely that this person will alienate your little siblings from their remaining blood family, including you, if she’s permitted to adopt them. The goal of foster parenting should always be family reunification, and it’s pretty obvious that this h**py was just playing baby-roulette until she could score ones available to adopt for herself… Pretty sick stuff.. I’m very sorry for your loss, OP.

SchrodingersRedditor −  NTA – as a former foster parent in an extremely messed up case, the top thing on my mind was being sensitive to the trauma that the kids had been through, and indeed were still going through by being separated from each other and their utterly rotten parents.

Because for even as bad as their parents were, they were still all they knew and now they had to live with strangers while their dad was locked up for a very, very long time and their mom was convicted to lesser charges as a knowing accomplice who did nothing to protect her kids.

That woman is a**orrent. That’s your sister. That’s your family. She thinks this is just a fun way to get to adopt a baby, as if she can just try them on for size and then put them back on the conveyor belt until she finds the right one. How utterly l**thsome. Hopefully your fosters/worker can help you with this, and I suggest you try. Stay strong and don’t stop fighting for your family.

exceedingly_clement −  NTA and you should be talking not only to your caseworker but your GAL/lawyer. Now that you all need adoptive permanency they need to find a placement who will keep you all together or support continued sibling contact. This person should not be fostering.

Individual_Ad_9213 −  NTA. It’s beyond cruel to be happy that someone’s biological parents have died so that you can adopt them without the inconvenience of having to deal with those same parents. No matter how messed up the parents were, they deserve to be talked about more humanely; and their children deserve to be spared such wanton displays of shamelessness.

Sad_Dog_5289 −  Alright just to clarify, I hate my mom too. Like, she was horrible, I just don’t like this woman saying that so weirdly. I mean, I love the idea of my mom, just not her herself. (a bit complicated but not the point). I just called my caseworker and explained what happened, and her response was:.

a.) I’ll come by tomorrow to talk

b.) I’m sorry you’re feeling this way

c.) Please stop calling me in the middle of the night (not the first time this has happened)

lemon_charlie −  NTA. She’s making this, this tragedy, about her emotional fulfilment instead of being empathetic to the kids affected by it. You’re grieving your mother in a tough situation with complicated emotions and a parentification dynamic, and this woman is acting like she got a Powerball jackpot. I’d be telling the social worker.

GlitterFluffTheWise −  Something about your post history feels like you’re attention seeking. Supposedly, both your parents died in the last two months, you were put in four different foster homes in an eight day span, you’ve been an a**oholic since you were five, had an a**rtion at 12, you’ve had jaw cancer twice,

you’ve been diagnosed with DID, CPTSD, OCD and agoraphobia, and you have no memory of six years of your life. For most of those things, you’ve created an AMA.

MnMum9 −  NTA. As a current foster parent, this is unacceptable. First children should not be separated unless there is no other choice. Second visits every 2 weeks, unless there is a GOOD reason, is unacceptable! A minimum of once weekly to maintain the sibling relationship is mandatory. Lastly that woman is horrible and your sibling should not be in that home. I can’t imagine not opening my home and heart to all the siblings.

Please, please, please, get ahold of your worker ASAP. I know for a fact this woman already emailed or called the worker and planted negative information. You need to talk to the worker and explain. Also your therapist AND your foster mom can/should advocate for you to your worker for you to have more visits, and these visits can be WITHOUT THREE FOSTER MOM’S IN THE SAME ROOM!

The visits can happen in a room with a two way mirror to toy all can be watched, but you can interact normally without having people hovering around telling you what to do unless something inappropriate happens and intervention is needed. I wish I could be there to advocate for you and talk to your worker!

Do you think the foster mom’s comments were insensitive, or did the teenager overreact due to grief and frustration? How would you handle a delicate situation like this, balancing raw emotions and setting boundaries? Share your thoughts below!