AITA for giving my wife an ultimatum about getting a dog?

A Reddit user shares his frustration after discovering his wife secretly rehomed his dog five years ago, citing the dog as a danger to their unborn child. He’s now demanding they get a new dog to make up for it, but his wife refuses, citing her concerns and the added responsibility.

‘ AITA for giving my wife an ultimatum about getting a dog?’

I had a dog when my wife and I got married. I loved her, she was my buddy. When my wife got pregnant, she became increasingly paranoid that the dog would be a danger to the baby. She brought up rehoming, and I refused. She was an “aggressive breed”, but she was trained. One day, she called me crying at work that the dog ran away and she couldn’t run after her. I believed her. I looked for that dog for weeks. I finally just accepted it because we had to go to the hospital to welcome our child and there were just other pressing concerns.

It’s been 5 years since then, and we now have three children. I’ve wanted to get a new dog, but the kids take a lot of energy and time. My wife has always had a new excuse not to get another dog. I found out recently that my dog didn’t run away, my wife and her father took the dog to the pound while I was at work because her parents agreed with her about the dog being “dangerous”.

I’m FURIOUS. She was MY dog, my BABY. She wasn’t dangerous. I would never have agreed to that. She probably never got adopted. I’m honestly mad enough to consider a separation if not for the kids and practical reasons. I’ve told her that the only way to make it up even a little bit is for us to get a dog. She ultimately doesn’t want a dog at all, and complained that she would have to do too much with it. I’m not planning to let up on this one this time.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

snarkingintheusa −  NTA. Get a dog after your divorce dude.

MutedSongbird −  NTA I can’t believe she would go out of her way to make family plans to destroy your trust. I would never be with someone who disrespected me to that degree, wow. Don’t get a dog with this woman, she didn’t care about getting rid of your dog before what’s to stop her from just doing the same thing again?

NominativeSingular −  NTA. Honestly, it sounds like your marriage has serious issues and you should see a couple’s counselor. Your wife is okay with lying to you to get her way… that’s bigger than just this dog issue.

Sharikacat −  ESH. As soon as I read that your dog “ran away,” I knew your wife had gotten rid of it. The reasons she is an AH is abundantly clear, so I’m not going to get into that.

Why are you an AH, too? You don’t bring in a pet into a home where it won’t be accepted and loved by everyone. This will create and/or increase the wedge between you and your wife. She will hate the dog, and I can guarantee that the dog will have an “accident” at some point. You fail to realize this near-certainty. If you get a dog now, you’re going to get it killed.

I’m so sorry that you can’t separate from your wife at this time, but she showed you who she is, so while circumstances now may now allow it, it won’t stay that way forever. Don’t stay “for the kids.” You can be a better father and a better person not sharing a bed with a woman who went behind your back and lied to your face about it.

waradmiral99 −  NTA. But, I don’t think it’s wise to get a dog while in that relationship. How would your wife treat and care for the dog? Would she find a way for this one to disappear too? Not only did she send your dog to the pound, and lie about it for YEARS, she also appears not to have any remorse for having done so. I would seriously consider a divorce.. Trade in your wife for a new dog.

pimentoplanes −  NTA. Dont get another dog yet. Wait until after you divorce her. She is a s**iopath.

PM_Me_Your_D20s −  NTA. “The kids” are not a reason to stay married if the relationship is toxic, imo. That is something I personally could never forgive. If you are going to stick it out, please seek couple’s counseling. You either need to find your way past it or end it; living with resentment won’t be good for anyone involved.

Kittytigris −  ESH, if the issue of having a dog was too big a bloody hill to die on for both of you, you should have resolved it before having a child. Now that’s come and gone, one of you is going to have to compromise and with you issuing an ultimatum, who’s to say your next dog isn’t going to ‘run away’ as well?

I don’t blame you for wanting another dog, what she did was a huge betrayal and one that if my husband did, I would never forgive. That being said, I cannot in good conscience be ok with forcing a dog on your wife when she so clearly dislikes them. She will most likely find another way to get rid of that one as well. I think couples counseling or a temporary separation till you both resolved this would be much better.

Crolleen −  OP you keep saying how its too hard to leave her, her parents own the house, you would never get the kids, etc. Does she tell you these things? Does she say things like “you would never make it without me. You’d have nowhere to live and good luck getting the kids” etc? I dont want to make assumptions but its a pretty terrible thing she did and you seem to be making some l**e excuses as to why you can’t leave.

I’m concerned there is more underlying here… Maybe research some signs of emotional abuse and see if any of them ring true for you. Edit: NTA – but pls don’t get another dog with her!

velkana −  NTA. I honestly don’t know if I could forgive her.