AITA for giving my son ~$15,000 when he turned 18 and moved out, but refuse to give the same amount to my daughter?

A Reddit user sparked family conflict by refusing to give his daughter a lump sum of money after she announced her plans to move in with her girlfriend. While he gave his son a $500 monthly stipend during college (amounting to about $15,000), he insists the money is solely for educational support and won’t fund his daughter’s move or relationship. His daughter believes this is unfair and accuses him of favoritism, while he stands by his belief that the money should be reserved for her education. Invite people to read the original story below…

‘ AITA for giving my son ~$15,000 when he turned 18 and moved out, but refuse to give the same amount to my daughter?’

My 19-year old daughter Vanessa called me this morning and told that her girlfriend proposed to her, and wants her to move to her apartment. Now for context, my daughter met this woman online, and they’ve never don’t ever SEE each other besides a few quick weekend visits. Moreover, they’ve only dated for a little more than a year.

I told her I was happy for her, but then politely expressed my reservations. But I maintained that she was an adult, and that it was ultimately her decision. The problem lies when Vanessa asked me for money.

You see, when her older brother moved out and went to college, I decided to give him a little $500 a month stipend so he doesn’t have to worry about food (he managed to get a scholarship to cover the rest of his educational costs, so it was just the small expected parent contribution and his living expenses). That combined with the money he saved during the summers made it so he didn’t have to work at all during the school year.

Since I gave him $500 a month every month his university was in session, that amounted to around $16,000. I told Vanessa that I was going to do the same when she moves out and goes to school.

She now says that she’s moving out and that college was on the backburner for her. Her girlfriend will support them (she is 23, already graduated, and works in IT). She said that now she’s not going to school, she’d rather just take a lump sum, or give her $500 a month too, and just not get anything if she goes to school.

I told her I cannot stop her from moving, but that money is for supporting her education only. If/when she realizes that this is a mistake and decides to go to school, or even if she decides to go to school when she’s married, I’ll be happy to contribute the money. But it’s not just a free handout.

She’s got really mad that I rejected her and accused me of favoring her brother. To her credit, her brother and I have a closer relationship (he’s always been the studious rule-follower while Vanessa was more the troublemaker), but I do love my children equally.

I told her at the end of the day, that it was an *educational* stipend; if she feels like she has the independence to move out to her fiancé, then she has the independence to get a job and work for her own money. That if she ever wants to go school at any point of her life, I will fully support it financially.

Well we argued back and forth before she angrily hung up on me and told my wife. My wife thinks that we should give her *something*, but I told her that my thinking is that this relationship will fail, and I rather keep the $15,000 as an emergency blanket for if and WHEN she has to move back home. I don’t want her to think I support this decision.

She told me she sorta saw my point, but she’s not going to help me unravel this mess with my Vanessa, she’s staying out of it. I, on the other hand, think she’s acting like a spoiled b**t. AITA for sticking to my guns on this?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

shadomicron −  NTA. You said you’d give it to her if she went to go study. She’s not going to study. You have been consistent in your behavior (in regards to giving money to your kids).

[Reddit User] −  NTA, that stipend was meant for an education for your son, and she isn’t going to school. Why does she deserve and education stipend if she isn’t working on an education? Moreover, you offered the stipend if she went back to school. So you are not being unfair

deblas66 −  NTA based on the info. It was an education based stipend. The real question for yourself is would you have given your son the money if he skipped college AND would you have offered him a lump sum (large sums of money for young inexperienced people are usually different from monthly help)?

Wednesday_Atoms −  NTA for only wanting to give the money to help support her through college. YTA for the way you talk about her relationship. You keep saying *when* the relationship fails which is a pretty disrespectful way to phrase things. A year together before getting engaged is only slightly shorter than average.

More importantly, we get a lot of parents on this sub asking if how they’re treating their kids is “fair.” Frankly, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’re wilfully damaging your relationship with your daughter, because you’re just so sure you know more about her relationship than she does.

UberProle −  NTA and your reasoning is sound. You are not “refusing” to give your daughter the same amount of money you are merely not giving it to her without enforcing the same stipulations that the same amount of money was given to your son under. It’s not like you just said “Here’s $15k son” there was a parental reason for the charity and there was a distinct need that it was given to fulfill.

IntrovertedShutIn −  You are not TA to want to attach the stipend to her education (NTA). However, you are definitely an ass to be so unfairly judgemental about your daughter’s relationship. To assume it will end in breakup/divorce. To belittle a year together. They could end up staying by each other for the rest of their lives. Aren’t you going to feel like a d*ck in that event?

QueenMoogle −  INFO. Does she have any other plans for herself that aren’t college??

[Reddit User] −  NTA for not giving your daughter the money. Your standards for that are completely reasonable, and it’s only fair that she gets the money if and only if she goes to school. But, YTA for the way you treat your daughter overall in this situation. You aren’t ACTUALLY happy for her. You don’t actually support her. You’re lying to her face and you’re being a d**k.

If she’s happy with her girlfriend, then be happy for her. Don’t have this preconceived notion that moving back home is a matter of when, not if. “I don’t want her to think I support her decision”?!? What? Why wouldn’t you?

Clearly she’s happy, she loves her girlfriend, and if she’s dating someone who can provide for her then I’d say she’s doing pretty damn well. Who cares if they only see each other on weekends? You should be proud of your daughter for making a relationship like that work.

solar_girl −  INFO. How do you show love and support to your daughter? From your post it looks like your attitude towards your son is more positive even if you do love them equally and your daughter is probably picking up on that. It’s okay to naturally connect more with one child over another but that just means you have to work a little extra hard learning and understanding the other child.

It sounds like your daughter didn’t do as well in school but what are her talents? What is she interested in? What are her hobbies? What are all the awesome qualities in her fiance that makes her want to spend the rest of her life with her? Do you even know the answers to these questions?

You don’t have to give her money but I agree with your wife that you should give her something and that something should be more support in her decisions, a congratulations on her engagement, and maybe a house warming gift for when she moves in with her fiancee. She’s probably not feeling any support from you in any area of her life and that doesn’t make her a spoiled b**t for being upset about it.

SpiritedPinkOwl −  INFO: why are you so adamant that her relationship will fail and that she will *have* to move back home?

Do you think the father’s decision to tie financial support to education is reasonable, or is he showing favoritism between his children? Should parents provide financial help equally, regardless of life choices? Share your thoughts below!