AITA for giving my parents an ultimatum over childcare?
A parent of an 18-month-old has been relying on their parents and in-laws for childcare. However, the OP’s mother has canceled her childcare duties the night before for the past five weeks, claiming she feels unwell, despite appearing fine according to OP’s sister.
After scrambling for alternative arrangements repeatedly, the OP told their mother to let them know if she can’t commit, so they can make permanent plans, like expanding nursery days. The OP’s family is now accusing them of being unfair to their mother. read the original story below…
‘ AITA for giving my parents an ultimatum over childcare?’
So i have a 18 month old child, when i went back to work my parents and inlaws agreed to help out with childcare and so a schedule was agreed with all involved parties that fit around theire jobs/lifestlye.
Now my mom keeps calling the night before due to have my 18 month old saying she’s feeling unwell and doesnt feel up to having her, however she seems completely fine according to sister who still lives at home. Shes done this for the last 5 weeks.
Ive managed to scrabble together alternative arrangements. Unfortunately as it is my busy period at work i am unable to take time off as is my partner. I finally cracked this week and said to her we cant keep having this every week if your not up to it you need to tell me so i can make other permanent arrangements.
18month old is starting nursery once a week soon and can try and get them in on her other day. I’m now being yelled at saying I’m being unfair to my mom. Am i the a**hole for pointing out the truth and giving her an ultimatum or should i have just let her carry on?
Take a look at the comments from fellow users:
seaclifftonne − NTA. You’re not insisting she have her but encouraging her to be transparent so you can make other arrangement. It’s inconvenient for her to back out at short notice when you have work. She’s done this for over a month.
You should make other arrangements. If she asks why, explain that’s she’s been unreliable the last few weeks and you needed a more long term solution. Tell her if she feels she can commit to childcare then you’re happy to go ahead but otherwise you’ll be moving forward with the alternative.
There’s nothing wrong with her not being willing to help. Your pregnancy wasn’t contingent on her care I’m assuming, she just needs to be upfront.
ChickenScratchCoffee − She clearly doesn’t want to spend her time watching your kid. Find a daycare.
Niccy26 − Just find alternate care. NTA.
International-Fee255 − NTA But your mother IS telling you. She’s not able to care for your child. Make alternative arrangements. She probably feels like she will be completely excluded from the child’s life if she says she can’t care for her but this regularly is obviously not something she can do.
Chojen − If she’s cancelled every week for 5 weeks without a valid explanation personally I’d just take her out of rotation. She’s unreliable and as she just demonstrated will cause drama. You don’t need that right now.
RocknRight − NTA. It is lovely that your parents offered to help; and it would be a massive help, if they were reliable. The realty is, you do need reliability as you do have work commitments.
Particular-Try5584 − What’s the ultimatum? What have you threatened? Loss of access to you all? Loss of relationship with your child? If you have threatened that then you would be the AH.
Or do you mean you cracked the shits and said “This isn’t working out, pony up and do what you promised or I will find alternative care” and left it at that? Because that’s not an ultimatum. This is NTA land, this is frustrated parent land (and rightly so) My vote (in case people havne’t realised) is NTA, because I am going to assume you haven’t threatened the nuclear option of no contact.
Big_Owl1220 − NTA- I had family do this when my child was young, and I got fed up and put her in daycare. Stability w childcare is so, so important, and you don’t have time to be rearranging everything all the time, for something preventable.
StatisticianPlus7834 − NTA. Go on and get the kid into a nursery. It’s gonna be better for everyone. They can see you all during weekends and holidays.
EquivalentBend9835 − NTA- At this point she has shown you she is unreliable. I would also be concerned on how well she watching my child. Eighteen month olds get into everything. Find alternative care. Tell the rest of the family she’s been canceling at the last minute and are they will to step in when she does?
Was it unreasonable for the OP to ask for consistency in childcare, or should they have been more understanding of their mother’s cancellations? What would you have done in this situation? Share your thoughts below!