AITA For giving my mom the silent treatment after I found out she was pregnant?

A Reddit user shares her emotional struggle after learning her mother, who has battled addiction for years, is pregnant with her new partner. Hurt by the revelation, she walks away from their meeting and later faces harsh backlash from family members. Read the original story below to see how the complicated family dynamic unfolds.

‘ AITA For giving my mom the silent treatment after I found out she was pregnant?’

I will try to be as direct as possible. I (20F) always had a complicated relationship with my mother. Throughout my childhood, she always had problems with addiction.

Basically, what I remember from my childhood with her is living with her until things got so bad that our family had to step in, moving in with them, my mom getting better, then moving back in with her only for her to get worse and the cycle to start all over again.

However, since I was 13 I live with my uncles, they are incredible and they have always been the parents I needed, but since then my mother has not asked me to stay with her again.

My uncles always explained that she had a disease and her leaving me with them was proof of her love for me. You can imagine that my relationship with her has always been complicated, but I’ve always tried to understand that this is something that is out of her control.

In the last months, she’s been on a good streak again, stopping all that s**t, she’s moved in with a new boyfriend and he seems to be someone that wants to help her out.

We don’t see each other much but I try to call her at least every 15 days, and my parents always try to report to me about her improvements. However, last week, after a long time, she was the one that called me and asked me to go out.

I tried not to get too excited because I already know what she’s like, but at the same time, I was happy. When we met, she explained how her boyfriend has helped her to cut 100% contact with anyone who influences her to go back to addiction, and how she wants to be a better person.

She even started therapy and went to rehab for a while. I said I was very happy and asked what finally motivated her to make that decision. And then she told me that he helped her but that the big motivator that gave her strength is that they decided to start a family and that she wanted to meet me in person to let me know that she is pregnant.

She said she needed to be better, to be present, and that is what is helping her focus on recovery. It hurt me, you know? That they were worth it, but I wasn’t. I decided to leave before our lunch was even over and ignored all forms of contact from her thereafter. As people say, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything.

However, yesterday her boyfriend called me (I answered because I didn’t have his number saved) and he started yelling at me, he said I was an a**hole, that for him I would never have contact with his family, because apparently no one knows where my mom is and what hindered her improvement was my attitude.

My grandparents are also angry with me and said that I am very irresponsible and that I didn’t have emotional responsibility with someone very vulnerable. My parents said I didn’t do anything wrong but I have my doubts.. ​. AITA?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Rredhead926 −  what hindered her improvement was my attitude. No – what hindered her improvement was her choices. For years, SHE CHOSE drugs over you. Now, SHE IS CHOOSING to have a baby, and you understandably feel that SHE IS CHOOSING the baby over you.

~~You are 15.~~ You do not have any “emotional responsibility” here. Your mother is an adult, who has made a lot of poor choices. She needs to understand what HER CHOICES have done to you.

You don’t need to make her feel better about anything. It is not your responsibility to help her improve. That’s all on her.. NTA. ETA: Not sure where I got 15 from. The rest still stands.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. She shouldn’t have a new kid if she’s so emotionally unstable with her addiction battle that she can’t handle the current one having their own feelings. The new one is going to have them too.

Hapnhopeless −  NTA. Your mother is absolutely, positively NOT your responsibility. She failed you as a child. Your family (excluding your uncles) are enablers of a habitual f**k up. She can get clean and start spouting rainbows from her a**hole and you are still under no obligation to be impressed.

She should get clean. She should be present and focused on progress in her life. But you don’t owe her a damn thing – not even support. Her boyfriend is a belligerent asshat and she chose him. So, I don’t think she has broken all of her bad habits just yet. Protect your sanity. You’re emotions are valid. F**k anybody who tries to make you doubt that.

ParsimoniousSalad −  NTA. You did nothing wrong, and you and your attitude are not responsible for your mother’s mental state, addiction, improvement, or whatever. Ask him, since he’s being so alpha about it all, if you were his daughter, how he would feel about a new mother’s boyfriend going off on you that way?

You are allowed to have your feelings and whatever contact you do or don’t want with your mother and her “new” family. EDIT: I can’t stress this enough: children (of any age) are not “emotionally responsible” for their parents.

JustheBean −  NTA. Your mothers recovery never has been and never will be your responsibility. As the one struggling with addiction it is your mothers responsibility to be mindful of the situations she puts herself in. It was on her to prepare herself for the range of reactions you might have to this information.

And your reaction was far from unpredictable. Honestly, it’s the new boyfriend who is an a**hole. He has no business yelling at you, neither does your family, but he literally doesn’t even know you. You absolutely are not responsible for *any* of your mothers choices.

IndividualSound5365 −  If she’s so vulnerable, why is she having another child? What happens when this boyfriend leaves her when she falls off the wagon? What happens to that child? Do your uncles have to be parents to that one too? And what if she’s already fallen off the wagon whilst she’s pregnant? What about this child then?

Unfortunately, though addiction is a disease, it’s still dependent on the individual’s strength and determination to stay clean. Sounds as though your mum uses any excuse to go back to her addiction.

Again, unfortunately, unless she wants to change, no amount of support will help. I don’t think you’re the AH. Her new boyfriend has no idea (yet) what you have been through with her. I’d say stick to your guns for now, but be prepared to welcome a new sibling – remember, just like you, the child is innocent.

But in answer to your question, you’re not the AH but it might be healthiest for you to stay no contact with her and the rest of the family (apart from your uncles) for the time being.

DontAskMeChit −  NTA. You did the right thing by leaving to save your own mental health. Block the boyfriend and everyone else giving you grief, you don’t have to deal with it right now. Your mother should have been prepared for you not having the reaction she was hoping for, this is not your fault, don’t feel bad.

Mx_Jez −  NTA She’s abandoned you for most of your life. Addiction is a big problem and it’s understandable that it’s taken her so long to get better, but you’re allowed to be hurt. Especially since she basically just said “BF and new baby are worth getting better for” to your face. I’d be offended too. Sorry she’s being like this, but hopefully she understands how she hurt you someday.

hurshy238 −  NTA. But I really, really want to say that – even IF she does manage to keep it together in sobriety at this point, which is a big ‘if’ – it’s not because this baby is more worth it than you were, even in her mind.

It’s just that she’s older, she’s a different person, that sort of thing. I totally understand your reaction but I just really want you to know that it doesn’t imply that sort of comparison between you and your sibling-to-be.

Necessary-Neck-7961 −  NTA. You did everything right girl, I am proud of you<3. It’s important to know, that you don’t have to contact that side of the family if you don’t want to. Your mother said something that hurt your feelings in one of the worst way a mother can, I have felt this way too.

It will get better girl, and I hope you know your worth it. You make the world a better place, and if your mother couldn’t see that when you were little, that’s her fcking problem because she missed out of you, and how an amazing womam you become without her. Love you with all my heart girl, and I hope to hear about you in the future<3

Do you think the daughter was justified in her reaction, or should she have approached the situation differently considering her mother’s vulnerability? How would you handle difficult family news in such a sensitive situation? Share your thoughts below!