Aita: For giving my deceased son’s college fund to his best friend instead of my nephew?

A grieving father explains his decision to give his deceased son’s college fund to the boy’s best friend, instead of his nephew, sparking conflict with his family. The father feels this decision honors the special bond his son had with his friend, but the family pressures him to allocate the money to his nephew, who they feel is more entitled as a relative.

‘ Aita: For giving my deceased son’s college fund to his best friend instead of my nephew?’

This has been causing a conflict with my entire family. And they think that I’m being selfish and unreasonable. Let me explain first. I M39 lost my son in 2019 due to a chronic heart condition. He was 15 years old. It was devastating and I just couldn’t take it especially when my family did little to nothing to support me during these difficult times.

They didn’t bring my son meals when he was at the hospital. They didn’t let me go home and rest even for a few hours. They didn’t take care of other things while I had a lot to deal with I wasn’t offered any help just words. They’d just talk but do nothing.

Despite the struggle. I’ve created an account for my son’s college fund and kept putting whatever I could get at the time and me and my son would talk about that a lot. He was depressed but always believed that he was going to get better and continue his education and attend college.

I started saving money To keep him motivated and to make him feel like he could be like any other kid with hopes for a good future. He had a very close friend that’s about the same age as him. They were friends for 5 years, and I can’t express how his presence in my son’s life helped him through the worst days, sometimes his friend would spend the night with us and try to get my son to do activities and lighten up his mood all the time. To be frank his friend was closer to him than his own family.

He never stopped visiting and asking how I’m doing after my son’s death. He’d show me handmade projects he made for my son and as a way to remember him and we’d sometimes just sit and talk together or cry together.

Last week. While I was with my family my sister asked me what I was going to do with my son’s college money. I didn’t wanna mention this but since she asked I told her that I will be giving the money to my son’s friend. She barely even recognized his friend and was confused and said that my nephew deserves this money since he’s family. My mom agreed that I wasn’t thinking straight and that I should help the people close to me-family and that my nephew has a right to go to college and I was wrong for giving this “opportunity” away to someone else.

I didn’t know what to say they kept pointing out that I was making a mistake and how my nephew will resent me if he finds out. Thing is my nephew wasn’t close to my son I don’t even know why he’d be bothered. My sister went on about not being able to afford my nephew’s college I told her this was my decision and I felt more comfortable that way.

She started lashing out, constantly texting me constantly wanting to talk to me and ending up arguing. When I snapped she had my mom calling me basically guilttripping me and telling me I’m wrong and that I needed to think about this. It’s just too much pressure and I’m feeling lost and unable to figure out how to deal with this.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

WhoFearsDeath −  NTA. Ask her what her plan was for her son’s college if yours hadn’t died, and then tell her to do that. You aren’t obligated to do anything whatsoever with that money that you don’t want to do.

OrangeJuliusPage −  He never stopped visiting and asking how I’m doing after my son’s death. He’d show me handmade projects he made for my son and as a way to remember him and we’d sometimes just sit and talk together or cry together. G**damn, OP, what have I told you about chopping those onions while I’m trying to shitpost for karma?

NTA. Whether this is a proper 529 Plan or just some checking account that you tossed money into, after the intended beneficiary passed away, there’s nothing obligating you to pick a contingent beneficiary due to perceived familial obligation. They kept pointing out that I was making a mistake and how my nephew will resent me if he finds out. Your nephew would be better served resenting his parents for not having the discipline nor the charisma to have thought ahead far enough to save money for his education.

MrsJ88 −  First, I’m so sorry for your loss.. Second, NTA.. Third, NTA.. Fourth, NTA.. Finally, NTA.

mandytjie −  NTA. I’m struggling to see why your sister thought it was any of her business to ask what you were doing with the college money. It’s your money and you can do whatever you want with it. And yes, your reasons for giving it to your son’s friend are sound – he genuinely sounds like he deserves it.

hoagiemama −  NTA. DO NOT give that money to your nephew. I find it funny that they say your nephew may resent you if he finds out. How would he find out? From his mother? Maybe she should just keep her mouth shut. The fact that a teenage boy was more supportive to you than all the adults in your family speaks volumes. Tell your sister that if her son works hard he can get scholarships. I’m so sorry for your loss.

pvke −  NTA. Next time your sister wants to talk about being resentful over you not helping out her son, be sure to remind her how resentful *you* are that she offered f**k all help with yours when you needed it. The absolute gall. Your sons friend was his family, and has continued to be so.

cthulhu_stan −  Why help someone when they didn’t help you?. NTA.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. If family was that important to them then they should have shown that by being there for you and your son. It’s also not your problem or responsibility to pay for your nephews college because your sister hasn’t saved properly. I think giving the college fund to your son’s friend is a very sweet idea, and don’t let them tell you otherwise.. I’m so sorry for your loss.

[Reddit User] −  This brought tears, ngl.. Nta, 100% This child was there for your son. Made your son feel good. Made your son happy. His friend is a good person. Your own family did nothing to help you, they do not deserve the college fund.
You know that story about the Hen who has to grow everything alone, and bake the bread alone, then she’s awarded with a feast while the animals who refused to help her had to sit and watch? Thats what this is. Youre making the right decision, dont let family who wouldn’t help you guilt you into giving them the fund.

Nikki3to −  NTA just because they are ‘family’ does not give them a right to your sons college fund. Where were they when your son was having bad days? Did your nephew come stay with him? Did he help him in any way? Were they really good friends? From your post all these things point to no.

It is your money and your decision. If they ask again you can tell them you decided to keep it and it’s none of their business. Shut down any further discussion on the topic. It’s your sisters responsibility to ensure HER kid goes to school….. not yours. Also I think it’s really nice that you are deciding to help your son’s friend with college and I am sure your son would support your choice based on what you’ve told us.