AITA for getting upset that my sister’s fiancé pulled me aside and patted me down at their wedding?

A man in recovery from addiction attended his sister’s wedding, only to be pulled aside by her fiancé, who patted him down to ensure he hadn’t brought anything inappropriate. Embarrassed and angry, the man pushed back, resulting in a heated confrontation. Now, family members think he overreacted, while he believes his future brother-in-law humiliated him unnecessarily. Was he justified in getting upset, or did he take it too far? Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for getting upset that my sister’s fiancé pulled me aside and patted me down at their wedding?’

I’m 24 and I’m an ad**ct who has been in recovery for the past six months. I used and used until I was basically in poverty and my older sister helped bail me out more than once. She’s my best friend and I know it hurt her a lot to see me like that.

She also met her fiancé two years ago and he really only knew me as the j**kie brother then. He’s not my biggest fan to say the least considering how much I put my sister through. Despite this she still invited me to her wedding last week because I am her brother and she wanted me to be there.

When I get to the reception, my brother in law is greeting people as they walk in. When I walk by he pulls me to the side and in front of everyone starts patting me down and says that he needs to check me to make sure I “didn’t bring anything in”. I instinctively pull away, because why wouldn’t I, and I tell him not to touch me.

He tells me to “calm down” and that if I want to be here then he needs to do this. I tell him he’s being ridiculous and I try to push past him. He stops me and tells me that he doesn’t want to throw me out but he “will if he has to.” I told him that he’s trying to look tough but it’s just making him look stupid.

At this point I’m getting more and more angry and I’m practically yelling in his face at this point. Bystanders came between us and separated us and told my BIL to just “drop it.” He said he would but that “they can deal with it when I get out of hand.” I just went to go find a seat after that.

After the reception, a lot of my family told me that I should’ve let him just do it and that I was acting like a huge a**hole and like I had “something to hide.” I don’t think he had any right to pat me down, especially in front of people and I don’t think my reaction was over the top. If anything, he was the one acting like a huge d**che by trying to start drama so he can look tough. My sister has refused to take any sides in this.. AITA?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Sailor_Chibi −  NTA. His reaction was so unnecessary and he is the one who caused a spectacle by trying to pat you down in front of everyone.

wisegirl19 −  NTA. Who pats someone down at a wedding? If you were a gang banger known for carrying weapons, maybe, but not an addict. And if it was REALLY necessary, there’s so many other ways he could have gone about it that would make him not TA. But to do something like that in front of all the other guests is humiliating and completely out of line (and I’d wonder if it was purposeful humiliation).

Edit: so maybe the gang banger example wasn’t the greatest, but it was the only thing I could think of at the time

dollbeb −  Unpopular opinion, but ESH, leaning towards you being TA. You’ve *physically fought* your BIL while high at a family event once. He should have done it privately, but you have an insanely long road towards regaining the trust of anyone in your family, **especially** your sister and BIL, seeing as you’ve been in a physical altercation with him in the past due to your d**g use.

I have several addicts in my family who have totally burned bridges, and not being able to keep your cool when faced with severe distrust is going to start that process. Edit: OP has stated he’s been in *multiple* physical fights with the BIL, so! Seems like vital information left out in order to garner sympathy and downplay the literal harm done by OP.

floodums −  NTA if he didn’t want you there he shouldn’t have invited you. I hope your sister didn’t know about his plan beforehand.

Keanucordonbleu −  ESH, he doesn’t have any right to do that but yelling is not going to get anyone on your side. You’ve fucked over your sister in the past, maybe you should give the guy that loves her a break.

myBisL2 −  NTA. I understand where he was coming from, but the situation called for some subtlety and privacy. A serious talk before the wedding (even if you feel it was unnecessary) would have been appropriate, and if they REALLY felt like it was necessary,

then pulling you aside when you got there to ask if you brought anything and maybe politely ask you to turn out your pockets (although I would say that might be a bit much, however I don’t know the full past with your family here and maybe that would be reasonable). Starting a fight over it and insisting on doing it in front of everybody as they were walking in was a d**k move.

jjaekkak −  YTA but he’s not totally innocent either. Still not enough for ESH. You’ve put your sister through a lot, and I can’t help but feel like your BIL has heard about it all. Your sister loves you and is more forgiving about it, but your BIL probably sees it as you manipulating her.

I’m glad to hear you are getting clean but while you’ve known when you can and can’t trust yourself, the ones you love haven’t had that luxury. As much as I’m sure you are clean now (and congratulations on that), I feel like it’s happened before that you’ve lied about being clean in the past.

Weddings involving immediate family are a big deal for anyone. You’re seeing family members you don’t always see. I could totally see that being a trigger or a stressor. He doesn’t know how you’ve coped with that type of thing before. Or maybe he has heard past excuses for relapses and such, idk. I can’t imagine the conversation about you being invited to the wedding was an easy one for them.

What he did wasn’t necessarily right. You didn’t necessarily deserve it. But it would have went a lot more smoothly if you just asked to do it more discreetly (in a more private location) or just let it happen. They probably should have told you if he planned on doing this but I’m thinking he did this without talking to your sister about it?

Being a recovering addict doesn’t make you a terrible person. It just means that you’ve had to start at or below ground zero on earning people’s trust. That sucks, but you made an ass of yourself and humiliated yourself when you were using. At least this type of humiliation is going towards building something worthwhile.

It’s not fair to expect people to just suddenly trust you 100%. That’s going to take years of hard work and staying clean, not to mention some embarrassing encounters. Rather than being frustrated about it, I’d consider these things additional milestones. “This person didn’t think I was capable of attending my sisters wedding without a fix.

I proved them wrong and I’ve made it to a point where I can do that. Yay.” Every time someone is wrong to be suspicious of you, it’s another thing to celebrate considering that if you hadn’t stuck through the hard times they would be right. Every time someone thinks this or that might send you off the deep end, celebrate the fact that it didn’t rather than being offended that they would think it in the first place.

EDIT: I guess really this is more of an INFO vote. We don’t know how bad your addiction was other than needing to be bailed out. We don’t know your history with the couple. I still just think that it’s not worth focusing on how he’s the a**hole here, and I still don’t think causing a scene was worth it. You’ve got to earn that trust, and you simply haven’t yet. It’s going to take a long time and a lot of work for those close to you to fully trust you again.

mandilew −  INFO: Do you have a history of inappropriate behavior at family events or ruining important occasions?

Gangreless −  ESH I totally understand him wanting to do a patdown, he sucks because he did it in front of everyone. You s**k because you made a huge scene in reaction. Which, BTW, just makes it look like you did have something on you and didn’t want him to find it.

BillyShears991 −  YTA. He watched you torture your sister for years and now that you’ve been “clean” for six months he should trust a j**kie to not ruin his wedding. You haven’t proved yourself to be worth trusting and guess what the people who saw it happen already know why it’s happening. He probably didn’t even want you there but compromised to make his wife happy.

Was the groom out of line for treating his future brother-in-law like a potential threat, or was he justified given the past? How should boundaries and respect be handled in sensitive family situations like this? Share your thoughts below!