AITA for getting mad when I found out my wife gossiped about me?

A man (36M) discovered that his wife, Ashley (33F), had gossiped to her close friends about his private anatomy despite him explicitly setting a boundary against it early in their relationship. During a night out, one of her friends casually called him “Big D*ck” (or “BD”), revealing that the group had been referring to him this way behind his back.

Feeling betrayed, he left the bar and went home. Although Ashley initially apologized, she later tried to downplay the situation, saying such conversations are normal among friends. Now he’s questioning whether he overreacted by being so upset.

‘ AITA for getting mad when I found out my wife gossiped about me?’

Sorry for the throwaway account. I am 36 and my wife “Ashley” is 33. To get it out of the way, I have an above-average sized d**ck. I’m not going to the guinness records or anything but every partner I’ve ever had remarks on it. In the past, this has also meant that every single one of them tells their friends, and that gossip gets around.

This makes me EXTREMELY uncomfortable, to the point that I had to start telling anyone new “do not talk about my d**ck to your friends”. They all agree, and then they all do it anyway. It is very frustrating.  Until I met my now-wife, who was totally respectful of the boundary. We have been together for 6 years and married for 3.

No kids yet. You probably see where this is going. We were with some of her close girlfriends at a bar last night and I suggested we go to another pub, and her friend semi-drunk responds, “if big d**ck says we go, we go!” Ashley froze up and I went cold. Turns out that she told ALL her close friends when we met, right after I told her not to.

And now they use Big d**ck or BD in their group chat to refer to me. Ashley says they only say it when I do something worthy of the name, I don’t even know what that means and I don’t want to. So I left them and went home.

Ashley was apologetic at first but kind of thought it was funny that I figured it out, and only learned how angry I was after I literally walked out of the bar.
She says I’m overreacting and that what she talks about with her friends is totally normal. I said I don’t care how normal it is, that I can’t trust her anymore. AITA? 

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

ngroat – here’s a non reddit answer for you. it’s normal for her to talk about that with her friends. they’re not doing it to hurt you, it’s no different than a guy talking about boobs with his friends. as to referring to you as big d**ck, that sucks and is diminishing. I get why you’re upset and she lied to you, but it is normal. NTA

edit: I appreciate all the people messaging me to tell me to kms… please stop lol.

Illustrious-Shirt569 says: NTA. The girl-talk is not my concern here because it really is fairly inevitable, and I don’t think sharing intimate details with close friends is problematic if they all keep it amongst themselves and are kind.

However, using that as a nickname is really, really uncool. I have heard people referring to a woman by the size of her breasts more times than I’d care to count (sometimes that woman has been me), and it has generally been treated like it’s normal and charming. It’s not okay or charming. It’s mean.

TraditionalAd7252 says: Would she be cool if you and your friends referred to her as “fat vagina”? Ask her. And she found out via “if fat vagina says we go, we go!” Is she ok with that? If not, then maybe she needs to reevaluate things. Yeah women and men talk. Doesn’t mean it’s right. And when explicitly told to NOT do it, they do it anyway? Pretty s**itty. NTA.

ThatHellaHighHobbit says: NTA.You gave her a very firm boundary and she ignored it and worse let her group chat use that as a thing. She loses more points by not being apologetic and then saying you’re overreacting and thinking it’s funny. I’m so sorry she embarrassed you like that.

SomeJokeTeeth says: First off, it’s straight up betrayal and obvious lying, you have to choose whether or not your trust is broken beyond repair or temporarily damaged. Secondly, there is never a situation worthy of referring to someone by their d**ck size; imagine a man doing the same thing but to a woman “if big puss says we go, we go”

caligirl2421 – NTA . And if your wife told her friends this at the beginning of your relationship (weird ass things to do) at no point in the last six years as the relationship progressed from dating to married has she stopped her friends from referring to you like this. Wtf? She should grow up and not be comfortable with her friends making fun of her husband.

Careless-Ability-748 – NTA I’ve never talked to my friends about any of my partners d**ck size. At most, I’ve said we had great s**x. More importantly, you asked her not to discuss it and she did anyway. That’s disrespectful.

Villain-in-Training says: NTA. This is a trend with what i call the “s**x and the City”-Generation. Unfortunately some women like to overshare with their female friendgroup to an unhealthy degree. Sit her down and explain to her that this was an important boundary for you.

That it makes you feel embarrassed to know that some people know about your private parts that aren’t intimate partners you chose. Some women have a hard time to see or recognize when they humiliate a man by sharing these details. I hope you can make her see your point.

AzureAngel6 says: NTA She froze up because she knows how much this affects you and how not okay with it you are then gaslights by pretending it’s no big deal when she KNOWS. If you find the relationship worthy get some counseling.

If every partner you have REALLY can’t help but to objectify you in non sexual settings you should probably divorce her and date less popular girls. Like no girl I know would do this s**it…and they have 2-3 close friends. Not a gaggle.

Slammin_Yams – NTA…I never speak of my wife’s genitals to my friends and none of them talk about their wives like that. She has no right to tell you to calm down or that you are overreacting when we all know she would be furious if the roles were reversed.

What do you think? Was he right to feel betrayed by Ashley’s gossip, or is this just normal banter between close friends?