AITA for getting mad at my sister for not wanting me shirtless at her pool?

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A Redditor shared their experience of feeling hurt and excluded when their sister asked them to cover their top surgery scars at a family pool gathering to avoid uncomfortable questions from her in-laws. The situation escalated after they chose to leave, leading to family tensions and a disrupted BBQ. Read the original story below to find out how it unfolded:

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‘ AITA for getting mad at my sister for not wanting me shirtless at her pool?’

My sister and her husband invited me over to their pool today for a little BBQ. I assumed it would just be me, my sister, her husband, my nephews, and my parents. But turns out they also invited her husband’s side of the family. When it was time to get in the pool, I changed into my swim trunks and removed my shirt.

But my sister stopped me before I came out their house and asked to keep my shirt on because of my scars. She was referring to the scars from when I had my top (chest) surgery. I’m a trans guy. Had started transitioning 8 yrs ago and my surgery was 4 years ago. My scars have already faded and they’re pretty well hidden under my pecs.

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You’d have to look really close to even notice. I’ve been to their pool many times and she’s never said anything before so I was surprised. Every other guy including my dad were all shirtless in the pool. When I asked what the prob was with my scars she said she was uncomfortable with her in laws knowing I’m trans.

My feelings were hurt but I was mainly pissed. She said she didn’t want her in laws to look at her differently if they found out about me. She told me not to make a big deal and to go with it. When she left, I went back inside to change because i wasn’t gonna go in the pool with a shirt on. I only had the one I came wearing because I didn’t expect her to ask me this.

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My mood was soured after that and I didn’t wanna be around her so I decided to leave. When I said bye to everyone they were all confused since I was only there less than an hour. My dad pulled me aside and asked why I was leaving early.

I told him to ask my sister and left. An hour later my sister called me upset because she and my dad got into a fight. My parents were furious about what she told me and they ended up leaving early too. Now she’s angry at me for ruining the bbq and said I didn’t have to cause all this drama if I only did what she asked.

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What she said hurt me and I was no longer in a mood to be around her or anyone else, but I didn’t mean for all that to happen. Am I the a**hole for getting mad at her and basically ruining their day?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Yarragh −  NTA, no way. Showing your scars and explaining why you have them on the spot would have been much easier for everyone. Your sister ruined her own bbq. I bet her in-laws have many questions in their minds now too.

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Verity_Fox −  NTA. You were right to call out that transphobic behaviour. ‘Didn’t want her in laws to look at her differently’ makes it sound like she was saying she was ashamed to have a trans brother. I’m glad your parents stood up for you though! That was awesome of them.

pattiofurnitire −  You resected her wishes, you kept your shirt on and left. Your parents were offended by her behaviour, they left. The only person your sister has to blame is herself. Kudos to you and your parents.

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NJ2CAthrowaway −  NTA. I have several FTM friends and former students. Getting to go shirtless at a pool or the beach is like a rite of passage. It means you feel comfortable that you are “passing.” I guess you could call it a “rite of passing” then.

I can imagine how deeply it hurt you, both that your sister wasn’t supportive (and, frankly, overjoyed) that you feel good about going shirtless, and that she is obviously ashamed of who you are. You were right to leave, and I almost cheered out loud when I read that your parents left too, in solidarity with you.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. You didn’t cause the drama she did.

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dickless0wonder −  NTA. As a fellow trans afab person, I would be heartbroken if my sister said this to me. I’m yet to have top surgery but when I initially came out my older sister was awful about it. She said she woulda never call me her brother, never use my new name and never use different pronouns.

It broke my heart. It’s so good though that your parents stuck up for you, and it’s her own fault that she had an argument with your dad. She’s the AH and clearly has some internalised transphobia.

ET318 −  NTA. Your sister should have been more supportive of you. At least your parents stood up for you.

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PolkadotUnicornium −  NTA! Your sister ruined her party ALL BY HERSELF. She worried about her in-laws thinking badly of *her* b/c you’re YOU. That’s a d**k move right there. I’m so sorry she chose appearances over honesty. I would have left, too. I’m glad your parents are supporting you. Sis needs to go take a look in a mirror to see who’s responsible here.

dominique0912 −  NTA at all. She can F right off with her transphobic comments. Ps: could someone tell me if I have this right? Trans male = someone who transitioned from female to male and trans female = someone who transitioned from male to female? I have no trans people in my life or anything to ask and I want to make sure I understand everything correctly

kinnoth −  FYI if ever it comes up and you don’t feel like explaining your scars, guys who have gynecomastia and needed them reduced will have the same scars. Bonus in that you won’t even be lying about it, as you are a man who had moobs and had them reduced. NTA your sister is transphobic

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Do you think the sister’s request was reasonable to avoid potential discomfort, or was it unfair and dismissive of her brother’s identity? How would you handle navigating family dynamics in a similar situation? Share your thoughts below!

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