AITA for following my late sister’s wishes and kicking our brother out of her funeral?

A Reddit user found herself in a difficult situation after her sister’s passing when she had to honor her sister’s explicit wishes regarding her funeral. Her sister had made it clear that she did not want their brother, John, to attend or receive any of her ashes due to their troubled relationship.

When John showed up uninvited, the user asked him to leave, leading to a heated confrontation. Now, she grapples with criticism from family members who believe she should have allowed John to stay for closure, while she remains committed to respecting her sister’s last wishes. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for following my late sister’s wishes and kicking our brother out of her funeral?’

My sister passed away recently after a long illness, and before she died, she made very clear instructions regarding her funeral. She specifically did not want our brother, John, to attend or receive any of her ashes.

To provide some context, growing up, my sister wasn’t kind to John. **John also was not great**, they fought like cats and dogs. As an adult, she sought therapy, recognized the damage she had done, and tried to make amends. She apologized multiple times and reached out, but John refused to reconcile.

He was clear that he didn’t want a relationship with her. When she became ill, my sister made one last attempt to reconnect, asking John to visit her. He declined again, stating that he had no interest in repairing the relationship, even as she was dying.

This hurt her, and she made it clear that if he didn’t want to see her while she was alive, she didn’t want him at her funeral or receiving any part of her remains. In her view, if he couldn’t show up for her in life, he had no right to be there in d**th.

John showed up at the funeral uninvited, I think our unlce gave him the date and time In line with my sister’s wishes, I asked him to leave. He became angry, caused a scene, and accused me of being cruel and preventing him from saying goodbye.

Several family members have since criticized my decision, saying I should have let him stay for closure. Saying that funeral are for the living but I pointed out this was her last wish. He thinks is am a huge j**k and I am a refusing to give him anything of hers still..

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Vote_for_Knife_Party −  I N F O: Are you the legal executor of your sister’s will/estate, or otherwise formally connected to the end-of-life process? Did your sister inform any other close relatives of her wishes re: John, either verbally or in writing?. Edit: NTA

Famous_Specialist_44 −  I don’t know why he’d attend if he didn’t like her. Was he just there to cause one final scene? NTA for refusing access to a private event for someone not invited.

mizfit416 −  NTA – You were honoring your sister’s wishes. Did you make sure to tell John this?

pcnauta −  INFO * Was there any consistent cause/reason behind their fights? * Has John every articulated his reason(s) for not forgiving her? If so, what are they? I think this is important because there may be a very good reason why John never forgave her.

I could go either way with this. Funerals are for the living, not for the dead so I could see OP allowing John in an attempt to bring healing to the family. On the other hand, OP was simply obeying her sister’s wishes.

For me, I would need to know what occurred that, in John’s mind, was unforgivable. This would lead to understanding whether he was being ridiculous or if he was right in not forgiving.

tosser9212 −  Hmm… my brother will die someday, after a lifetime of poor behaviour, and near-thirty years of No Contact. I won’t attend his services. I don’t want him in my life now, and feel no need to say goodbye. NTA. Follow your sister’s wishes. John and she both made decisions: they live and die with those decisions.

Ready-Cucumber-8922 −  NTA. It isn’t like she passed suddenly without any opportunity to reconcile. He knew she was dying, she apologised multiple times, he refused to accept, as is his right.

It’s not for any of us to judge whether what she did as a child was unforgivable but he had a chance to be a brother when she was still alive, he chose to stay an enemy, he had no to right to attend her funeral. Out of curiosity, is he asking for any of her things or any kind of inheritance?

queenuglyface −  NTA. He had his chance to say goodbye before your sister passed. She gave him the opportunity. To try and show up to the funeral to say goodbye? He’s a day late and a dollar short

Sea_Yogurtcloset883 −  NTA – Why does he suddenly now need closure? He didn’t want to see her living, that was a choice he made??
Sometimes, we have to accept the consequences of our own actions.

He chose to not make amends. That’s fine. But he can’t then be mad that he isn’t wanted at the funeral. Not to forget, he wasn’t even invited.

giantbrownguy −  NTA. The reality is your brother is choosing to “win” by getting the last word and rejecting your sister’s wishes. If he was truly wanting closure he had the opportunity to do that before she died, but he chose to wait until after she passed.

That tells me there is more maliciousness to it and nothing positive. You’ve probably crashed your relationship with him but at the end of the day, you were upholding what your sister asked.

People can say funerals are for the living all they want, but if there is a specific request from the deceased, that should be adhered to unless there is a really good reason otherwise.

FitOrFat-1999 −  “..accused me of being cruel and preventing him from saying goodbye.” Well, he didn’t want to accept her apologies or see her while she lived – which was his right – so why did he want to “say goodbye” at her funeral when she couldn’t hear or see him

Sounds like his idea of “saying goodbye” would have been spitting on her body or making a scene citing all his grievances.
You obeyed your sister’s last wish, which was a good thing, and you are NTA.

Do you think the user was right to uphold her sister’s wishes, or should she have prioritized family dynamics over them? How would you handle a similar situation where a family member’s last wishes are in conflict with others’ feelings? Share your thoughts below!