AITA for *finally* talking to my brother’s girlfriend. Should I apologize?

A Redditor (24F) living at home with her parents and brother Harry (21M) has been struggling with late-night disruptions caused by Harry’s girlfriend Isabel (19F). For two years, Isabel has screamed Harry’s name at night, disturbing the user’s sleep before her early morning shifts.

Despite raising concerns with Harry and her parents, the issue persisted. After being woken up at 3 a.m. by Isabel, the user calmly addressed the issue with both Harry and Isabel later that day, only to face backlash. Now, her family suggests she apologize to Isabel, but she wonders if she was truly in the wrong. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for *finally* talking to my brother’s girlfriend. Should I apologize?’

I (24F) live at home with my parents as does my brother Harry (21). We both attend university in our city. Harry has been dating his girlfriend Isabel (19) for about 2 years. She is usually pretty nice, and has a generally somewhat anxious demeanour. I haven’t been able to fully get along with her, just because of one issue.

Now for some context. I work early morning shifts (6am-2pm) so that I can attend university in the afternoon. For this reason I have a pretty strict bedtime. I have a lot of trouble falling asleep, but once I’m asleep it takes A LOT to wake me up. I am a person who sleep talks coherently with my eyes fully open to other people, but still entirely unconscious. I am a heavy sleeper. This is important context.

Isabel often sleeps over on weeknights, and mine and Harry’s rooms share a wall. For the past 2 years, she has consistently screamed Harry’s name over and over late at night (11pm onwards). She will do it randomly, Harry says he is tickling her.

I have spoken to Harry and my parents about it on multiple occasions because it often keeps me up and sometimes even wakes me. Harry says he’ll talk to her and it never stops. I’ve said that at some point I will have to address it directly with her.

Well, this morning I worked at 6am, as per usual. I woke up at 3am, however, to Isabel screaming. I wanted to bust in there and chew them both out then and there. But I didn’t, be cause I knew nothing good could come of that. So I waited until after I got home from work, so that i had calmed down and could address it nicely.

I knocked on Harry’s door and said “Hey guys i have a small bone to pick with you”. In, pretty much, my customer service tone, i continued “Last night you guys woke me up at 3am. The screaming at night has to stop, everyone else is sleeping or trying to sleep and there is no reason for it” Harry gave me a face, and Isabel said nothing, so i just turned and walked away.

As soon as Isabel left, all hell broke loose. Harry accused me of screaming at Isabel, and being incredibly rude to her. He says she may never come back here (dramatic).

My parents agree that at some point I had to talk to her about it, but think I should just apologize to Isabel to clear this whole situation up. Harry is livid and insists I had no right to speak to her about it at all. So reddit, AITA? Should I apologize?

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Mindless-Client3366 −  NTA. You tried to get Harry to address it, and he didn’t. There’s nothing wrong with you addressing something that is interrupting your sleep. If Harry wants his gf to continue screaming his name while he…ahem…”tickles” her, they can go elsewhere. Don’t apologize, you did nothing wrong. If Harry keeps on with the you had no right business, just tell him “if you had addressed it when I asked you to, I wouldn’t have had to say anything.”

Briiiiiiyonce −  NTA. And don’t apologize. If you apologize you’re basically agreeing that you were in the wrong. Harry and Isabel are acting incredibly rude and immature. Knowingly being loud in the middle of the night when people are sleeping is grounds to sending Isabel home. Would Harry rather have that or your “yelling”?

Nelson_Blue −  NTA. Why was he going to talk to her about not screaming while he tickles her? Just stop fricking “tickling” her at 3 am in your parents house, Harry.

Crafty_Special_7052 −  NTA though I don’t think she is screaming because your brother is tickling her.. so I believe because you spoke to her directly about her screaming she’s probably actually embarrassed for being heard. But I wonder if your brother actually spoke to her about the screaming? Also, I wouldn’t apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for. Harry should be apologizing to you.

Useful-Emphasis-6787 −  NTA. Next time this happens, start screaming ‘oh yeah, Harry, give it to her, tickle her hard, you are the best tickler, etc’. Make it extremely uncomfortable.

Decent_Butterfly8216 −  Nta but your brother is. He didn’t talk to his girlfriend and now she’s embarrassed about how much you have heard through the wall for all of this time. He knew that she might not want to be “tickled” as freely knowing you could hear through the wall and it was more important to him to get his.

I completely believe you were diplomatic when you spoke to her, but I would absolutely try to talk to her again and be extra sensitive to her embarrassment, smooth things over, go ahead and throw your brother under the bus, let her know you aren’t upset with her because it’s clear your brother didn’t follow through, and just explain you’ve been woken up a lot.

Hopefully your parents will continue to back you up and make it clear your brother created this problem. Couples sharing space have to consider people around them when they’re intimate, whether they’re having s** or it’s just a private conversation or argument, it’s part of being an adult.

I would never in a million years make loud sounds of any kind from a bedroom in my parents house in the middle of the night, even just playful conversation, because of how unbelievably uncomfortable it would make my family and how rude it is in general, and I’m a fully grown adult with kids. That kind of freedom only comes with renting your own apartment.

Friendly-Rip-7474 −  NTA .First off you weren’t shouting at Harry’s gf you were telling her in the nicest way possible to be more quiet with whatever they were doing, I don’t see why your family is so angry when you’re the one working from 6am-2pm, AND going to uni after (I could never).

In my opinion I would move out, if they keep bothering you just move out because your parents have already made up their minds on which side they’re on, so if you want sleep you’re going to have to move.

Suitable-Tear-6179 −  Wait, your parents agree with you but want you to apologize anyway?  Ummmm, no.  Actually as the parents, they should have said something in the first case. And, unless you have the oddest customer service voice…  (i.e. the one everyone in CS wishes they could use at least once in their career) you weren’t yelling.

She was likely embarrassed, and he never broached the topic of being quieter with her. (I’m betting he was strutting like a rooster about making her scream, rather than hearing your complaint.)  I assure you, pounding on the wall at 3 am and telling them to be fricking quiet would have been much ruder. And if they’d been in a dorm, or regular apartment, that’s what they’d get.  

Spinnerofyarn −  NTA. I am thinking fighting fire with fire is the way to go. Get an air horn. The next time this happens, grab the air horn and blast it. People are already awake because of her. When they flip out on you, tell them you’re returning the favor of disrupting the house and every time it happens from now on, you will blow the horn.

You might warn your parents that you’ll be doing this and you absolutely aren’t going to apologize. If they don’t want you to do this, they must tell your brother and his girlfriend to stop the screaming.

SweetGoonerUSA −  Well, sometimes the troublemakers and drama stars do you a huge favor when they overreact, don’t like what they hear and melt down when someone establishes a boundary, and either stage a dramatic exit saying they’ll never ever ever return as long as they live or tell their partner after the fact that they’ll never come back again. Ever ever.

I confess in my head I’m thinking, “Promise? Cross your heart and hope to die? Stick a needle in your eye?” It’s not very Christian of me but there are just some people I don’t want to make nice with or forgive when they pull mess like this. Think about how peaceful your nights will be if your brother, the Tickle King, starts spending his nights at HER HOUSE!

Should the user apologize to Isabel for addressing the noise issue, or was she justified in confronting the situation after being repeatedly disturbed? How would you handle late-night disruptions in a shared living space? Share your thoughts below!