AITA for expecting to have my kids sitter watch them at a wedding?
An experienced wedding planner, who has been assisting a close family friend with her upcoming destination wedding, expects to have her toddlers cared for at the venue. She had previously discussed finding a local sitter with the bride, but when she mentioned her plans, the bride said no exceptions would be made for her children.
Feeling unappreciated after her extensive support, the planner canceled her family’s RSVP, despite incurring significant costs. Read the original story below…
‘ AITA for expecting to have my kids sitter watch them at a wedding?’
I am an experienced wedding planner (14+ years) who offered to help a close family friend with her wedding. I have known the bride her entire life and offered a 50% discount on my planning services & waived travel fees (destination wedding) given I was also invited to attend.
I have been planning with her for over a year and the wedding is 3 months away. It is a destination wedding for nearly everyone attending, myself included. I have gone above and beyond to help her given our personal connection, including planning two other wedding weekend events not in our contract,
replanning the entire wedding 9 months out because she decided to change locations, as well as dealing with communication from her well outside of my typical business hours (even after setting firm boundaries).
My husband, my Mom and I have all been invited to the wedding. I also have two toddlers (3y, 4y) who have to travel with us as we’d be gone for 4 days. Last summer I had a conversation with the bride about getting sitter recommendations from her friends locally for our kids so we could have someone watch them in a room at the venue as I wasn’t comfortable with them being watched by a stranger 45 minutes away from me in another state.
I made travel arrangements for my family and I to the tune of close to $4k (flights, accommodations, rental car, etc.). During a recent conversation I mentioned the kids coming with us and the bride acted surprised but didn’t say anything one way or the other.
Fast forward a week and she reached out asking if I was planning to have the kids at the venue. I said yes, that they’d be watched in one of the back rooms by the sitter so they would be nearby & so I’d know they were safe (as I’d mentioned 7 months prior).
The bride then says that she told other family members they couldn’t bring their kids and that she didn’t want to set a double standard by allowing me to bring mine – “no exceptions”. I know for a fact that she does not have family members with young children, so this was confusing to me.
She said I should’ve asked her and not assumed, but I pointed out that I’ve been planning with her for over a year and not once was anything about kids mentioned anywhere – not in save the dates, invites, wedding website, conversation, etc.
The bride has a history of being stubborn and narcissistic, and it became clear she wasn’t going to make an exception for me, so I rescinded my husband’s RSVP and now have to cancel their non-refundable flights ($2k ish) and go alone to handle/attend the wedding.
I feel like I have gone above and beyond for her as a friend and wedding planner & the least she could do is to allow me to have my kids watched onsite (NOT attend or participate in any way).
As a wedding planner – I am aware that kids at weddings are a tricky subject and I absolutely understand not wanting them at the event itself, but I would have ensured they remained corralled in the back area fully separate from guest view. Am I the a**hole?
Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:
HoosierBeaver − I sure hope you got payment up front. If you didn’t, do t expect to be paid at all. I’d give her an invoice now, and tell her unless it’s paid within say, 14 days, you will no longer be performing any wedding duties and she’s on her own.
HolyGonzo − I don’t understand what difference it makes to the bride whether your kids are 3 minutes away or 3 hours away. If they’re not there at the wedding, that should be the extent of what matters.. NTA
Curious-Ad628 − NTA- she knew you had kids. You had this conversation months ago. She could have asked you to find a sitter outside of her venue then. It sounds like she waited until the last minute to prevent that from being an option at all.
Also to take up your time after hours is already rude, to do so while you’re giving a discount is wild. I don’t think this person values you in general. I would not call this person a friend.
Rooney_Tuesday − NTA. There’s not issue with the kids being nearby as long as they’re not at the wedding. Wedding culture has gotten ridiculously out of control if we’re to the point that kids being unseen and unheard are an issue.
Why do you have to cancel your husband and kids’ non-refundable flights though? If you’re going to the wedding without them, why not just let your husband and kids go to the park or the movies or something while you’re at the wedding, or swim in the hotel pool? The rest of the time you can be on vacation with them.
ParsimoniousSalad − INFO: I don’t understand. Is there some reason they had to be at the venue instead of in your hotel room with the sitter? The bride wouldn’t have anything to say about that. EDIT: and it also might be time to send her an invoice for all your work. “No exceptions.”
anonymous_mom- − I’m confused as to why you would cancel the flights of your husband and kids? Why not let them enjoy the day together while you’re working and then later on you can enjoy a nice family vacation?
Little_Outside − Sorry, but you don’t sound like an experienced wedding planner to me. Are you working at this wedding or are you a guest? In either case, you don’t need to have your children on-site, any more than any other guest does.
If you don’t trust a childminder, then your husband can stay with the children back at the hotel — or he could have simply skipped the wedding and stayed home. IF you are an experienced professional, you are seriously guilty of confusing friends and client relationships.
You are not e**itled to bring your children to work. You can’t hijack any part of her venue for your own purposes. The bride clearly assumed (as anyone would) that your children would be cared for at your hotel.
Just because you decided to s**ew yourself into knots by giving her a discount, it doesn’t mean that you get to take advantage in compensation. That discount was on you, and it wasn’t very pro of you to offer it. YTA for bad communication, assumptions, poor decisions, and irrational cancelling of tickets. I wouldn’t hire you to organise a paper bag opening.
pukui7 − NTA. Most of the issues stem from straying from your normal routine. You are charging 50% of your rates because this is a “close family friend”, and you’d be included in the event as a guest, not just the hired help. Your generosity and friendship put you off balance and your guard was down.
Most of us that have any kind of business have learned to be on high alert when dealing with friends and relatives. Personally, I have learned to never do it halfway. Sometimes, I do everything for free. Rarely, I charge full price. More of the time, I just decline. But I never ever discount.
People, even friends and family, are too often assholes when it comes to valuing what I do, even when I go above and beyond, even when I just charge my material cost and no labor.
And the baggage that persists because they remain in your life is not worth it. When I do work for a stranger, they aren’t harping about some minor irrelevant detail that’s actually their fault every day afterwards.
Whole-Fly − I kind of think YTA here. You’re bringing your kids to work, why can’t they stay at the hotel with your husband? You mention in an earlier comment that you want to spend time with them – that’s the entire reason the bride doesn’t want kids there.
I’m surprised you’re getting so much support because Reddit is usually all about child free weddings and I think if you posed the question “I’m bringing my kids to a childfree wedding but having them wait in a back room with a sitter” you’d be the AH big time.
Popular-Parsnip8911 − YTA expecting the bride to make an exception for you to have your kids at the wedding and for calling her narcissistic just because you didn’t get your own way. Also cancelling their trip after it’s been paid when they could’ve just had a day out with your husband shows that you’re a bit of a d**ma queen.
Was it unreasonable for her to expect a little flexibility after all her contributions? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!