AITA for expecting boyfriend to make me dinner after work?
One Redditor shares her frustrations about her boyfriend’s lack of initiative when it comes to cooking dinner, especially since he’s currently unemployed while she works demanding 13-hour shifts as a nurse. Despite her repeated requests, he rarely prepares meals for her without an argument.
After asking him earlier in the week to make dinner on a specific night, she was disappointed to find he hadn’t, citing a mix-up. Now she wonders if her expectations are fair or if the situation reflects deeper issues. Read the full story below for the details.
‘ AITA for expecting boyfriend to make me dinner after work?’
My boyfriend has been unemployed for just over a year and a half and I work as a nurse at a hospital. We don’t live together, but have been together for around 7 years. Normally when I get home from a shift and don’t have work the next day, I tend to go to his house after I shower and what not.
I work three 12 and a half hour shifts a week. My work days tend to go way over 13 hours. Generally I’ll wake up around 4:15am, go to the gym, and leave my house by 5:30am to get to work by 7am. Once I get out, I don’t get home till around 9pm. At the start of each week I’ll meal prep my breakfast and lunches.
However, I don’t ever really meal prep dinner. Usually I’ll have a protein shake for dinner when I’m working back to back shifts. However, when I don’t have work the following day I try to make myself dinner rather than a shake.
I’ve spoken to my boyfriend plenty of times about how it would be nice if he could cook dinner for me every now and then and have it ready by the time I get to his house after work. I don’t expect this all the time, but since he’s not working I don’t feel too bad asking him to go out of his way.
Although he’s done it a handful of times, I’m frustrated that it’s usually because we get into an argument about how it’s never done. Over the weekend I asked if he would cook dinner for me on Wednesday night (tonight) since I don’t work tomorrow and I was supposed to go to his place after work. He said he would and I sent him a recipe that I knew he had all the ingredients for.
On my way home from work today I gave him a call to ask how he was doing and see if he had remembered to cook dinner. He immediately said no and explained that he thought I meant tomorrow night. I got even more frustrated at that point because we spoke about it and he was aware of my work schedule this week.
He knows I work Friday, and won’t be at his house, so why would he assume I meant Thursday night? I explained to him that I was frustrated. I mean, what did you do all day, other than go to the gym and stay home, that you couldn’t find any time to make me dinner? Rather than argue about it, I told him I was just going to stay back at my place tonight.
I’m just frustrated right now. It’s hard for me to not get angry at small things like this. I work in a very challenging ICU. Sometimes I’m both exhausted and slightly down after work depending on the day. I’m very open with my boyfriend.
Now I feel bad. Am I crazy for that? Maybe it’s because he doesn’t understand the physical and mental stress my job puts on me. Maybe it’s because I’m extremely frustrated that he isn’t currently working and doesn’t have the same level of responsibility as I do. Or maybe it’s a combination of both?
For some context I’m 26, my boyfriend is 34. We both still live with our parents. His mom makes him dinner during the week. My parents on the other hand don’t (nor would I expect them to).
Here’s what Redditors had to say:
fallingintopolkadots − On the one hand, yeah, if he knows you’re coming over and will be hungry, why wouldn’t he make sure there’s something there for you to eat. On the other, to demand he cook for you from super specific recipes is maybe a bit much, particularly if he’s not used to cooking regularly.
On the other other hand…. his mom does all of his cooking? Well, okayyyyyyy. Lucky him, I guess. Why couldn’t he at least ask her to make you a portion as well. Or he could order food in for you. Or something. He’s 34. He should know this.
So, yes, you should absolutely expect your boyfriend of 7 years to know you need to eat after a shift and be able to provide you with something (whether he cooks it, his mom cooks it, or he orders something in, etc). NTA
reversetheloop − YTA for wasting your youth on somebody that doesn’t care about you. Read the room. Listen to what he is telling you. You are disappointed that he doesn’t live up yo your expectation, but ignoring that he is just not up to your expectations in the firs place. Guy is practically wearing a suit of red flags and here you are showering to head over to his moms house…
Global-Fact7752 − NTAH …Do you need glasses? Because you obviously don’t see the giant bouquet of red flags this b** is holding.. I recommend counseling …so you can try and find out why you don’t think you deserve better in a partner…and why you as an adult are still living with your parents.
Playful_Map201 − You guys are not married and not living together, so I would say whether he is employed or not and has time or not doesn’t really make a difference. It would be nice of him to do it, but he’s under no obligation to do so. Of course you may decide that’s a deal breaker.
Sushistereo − ESH. I feel in this particular instance you’re validated for feeling frustrated that he couldn’t make dinner for you after agreeing to do it. I’m a bit confused why when you called him midday he couldn’t have started on dinner then? Was the recipe for an all-day event?
From the way you described it, it just sounds like he didn’t want to cook and pretended to forget your schedule as an excuse. However, while I think having been dating so long, it seems natural that your boyfriend would have some type of food or snacks waiting for you when you come over, I don’t necessarily think it’s fair to demand that he cooks dinner for you.
Especially because he would be cooking solely for you, considering his mom already made the family dinner earlier. You also mentioned ingredients for the recipe you sent him: are those ingredients ones HIS MOM purchased? Why are YOU e**itled to her groceries? That is TA move if you’re asking him to raid her pantry for you on a regular basis.
It also sounds like you go over to his (parent’s) place late at night, so maybe he doesn’t feel comfortable cooking because of the noise it would make in their home when they’re trying to sleep/relax?
This isn’t an excuse for him not to think of you / provide some sort of meal, or even a small treat, it just seems like an overall undesirable situation. Are there leftovers he could re-heat for you? Assuming his parents wouldn’t mind, I find it odd he doesn’t even consider heating you a plate from the meal they had earlier.
Or again, offering some kind of snack to you when you come over. To me, it sounds like you’re just a long-term booty call to him. I’d consider whether this is a relationship that’s worth continuing. Seven years with no move for you two to get your own place seems like a red flag to me.
ike7177 − Interesting that you actually live with your parents, who I’m sure cook dinner for themselves every night, and yet you don’t ask them to save you a plate. Your BF lives with his parents who DO save him a plate of what they cooked.
WHY don’t you ask your parents to save you a plate of whatever they’re having instead of requiring someone to cook a meal for you when they have already had a meal with their family? You don’t live in the same household. Why not on the night you are gonna stay you just order delivery?
This really makes absolutely no sense to me. ESH but ONLY because you’re both assholes living off your parents, but YOU want to pretend like he owes you something like a husband would or someone you actually live with and share bills with.
Actually, NO! You ARE TA here. If you want a man to take care of you this way then move in together and share bills. I would suggest a man that actually has a job so you don’t have to carry him.
RealTalkFastWalk − NTA for this instance because he said he would cook for you and then didn’t, however, NAH for the bigger issue because you don’t live together, don’t share food and chores and a household, and living with parents can make it doubly hard to take over their kitchen.
If his mom already cooked an evening meal, it may have been off putting to her for him to want to takeover the kitchen to cook a second evening meal later for you. Not saying it can’t/shouldn’t ever happen, just that it has to be a conversation rather than an expectation, and more people’s needs have to be considered.
Feisty-Mulberry-6816 − GAWD. Why are you still with him. He is a lazy, unemployed dude who cannot even cook one meal for his extremely busy girlfriend. Find someone better
Alternative-South607 − YTA but he’s one too. If you’re going to his after work, of course there needs to be food for you. It doesn’t need to be a meal made by him, but there needs to be food, and – as it’d be weird for you to cook in his kitchen – it needs to be arranged by him at least to some extent (buying in microwave meals, asking his mom for extra, whatever). He’s ta for not doing that.
But if he’s not, your response shouldn’t be ‘cook me a meal.’ That’s not reasonable. You’re an adult, yes you have work stress and long hours, but you are still responsible for your own dinner. If you are going somewhere and you know you won’t eat there, eat (or have a shake or whatever) before you go.
Maybe that means you get there later … and maybe that has further implications for your decision to go. You’re ta for not standing on your own two feet, just expecting someone else to do it.
It also sounds like you are taking out work stress on him (expecting him to pick up slack because of your long hours) which, whatever his work situation, is not an acceptable permanent solution. I’m part expecting people to point out that housewives do this and it’s seen as ok.
I think a situation where you are living together is different. By the nature of living together, all chores/cooking etc are ‘shared’ and couples hash out who does what (equally or not) as part of their arrangements, so it is discussed and ‘agreed’ on. This is different – they don’t live together so there isn’t that sharing of tasks in-built to their lives.
adventuresofViolet − NAH, you’re not living together nor are either of you living in your own places. You’re resentful of him living his life at a space that’s not “yours together”. I’d examine that first, no, actually first, meal prep dinner for the week.
I meal prep for both lunch and dinner every week. It’s like second nature when you start putting it in your routine. It’s the only way I can maintain a healthy diet otherwise it’d be all junk food all the time.
Do you think her expectations were reasonable given the situation, or is she asking too much? How would you handle this kind of balance between work, personal stress, and relationship support? Share your thoughts below!
