AITA for excluding my autistic stepdaughter from my daughter’s birthday party?

A Redditor grapples with a tough decision regarding her daughter’s upcoming birthday party and the inclusion of her stepdaughter. With a history of disruptive behavior at parties, including blowing out candles and throwing tantrums, the mother decides to exclude her 7-year-old autistic stepdaughter to protect her own daughter’s special day.

However, this decision leads to conflict with her husband, who believes that excluding the stepdaughter only adds to her feelings of isolation. Is it fair to prioritize one child’s enjoyment over another’s, or is the mother’s decision justified given past experiences? Read the original story below to delve into the complexities of family dynamics and the challenges of parenting.

‘ AITA for excluding my autistic stepdaughter from my daughter’s birthday party?’

My (30F) daughter’s (8F) birthday is next week and we’re planning on having a party for her and inviting around 20 other kids. I also have a stepdaughter (7F) from my marriage to my husband (38M), and she desperately wants to come.

However, the thing is, she has a history of not behaving at birthday parties. She acts younger than her age and doesn’t understand social cues. She’s been invited to three of her classmates birthday parties in the past.

At one of those parties, she blew out the candles, and at the other two parties, she started crying when she wasn’t able to blow out the candles. Eventually people stopped inviting her to their parties, and she claims it makes her feel left out.

I decided it would be best if my stepdaughter didn’t come. She would either blow out the candles or have a tantrum, and either way she would ruin the day for my daughter. My husband is furious with me, saying I’m deliberately excluding her for being autistic.

He says she already feels excluded from her classmates parties, but excluding her from her own stepsister’s party would be even more cruel. I told him it was my daughter’s special day, and I had to prioritise her feelings first.. AITA?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

JuJu-Petti −  Yikes. Most definitely between a rock and a hard place. If she’s fine for the rest of the party, maybe your husband can take her in the house while you do the candles. You really should have addressed this situation sooner than now.

Especially if she’s not being invited to her friends parties, which is making her feel left out. He is supposed to parent her so that she has the best understanding of how she should act in a social situation. Either way, he’s going to have to deal with this because the situation can’t continue the way it is.

If he can’t correct her behavior and she feels left out, then that’s his fault. She’s going to continue to be left out of her friends events. That’s not fair to her. He’s going to have to step up and do the hard parenting job. Your husband should chaperone her at this party. Literally not letting her out of his sight. She should be his sole responsibility that day.

Forensic_Cat −  Info: have you BOTH sat her down and explained that she’s being excluded because of her behaviour? Like, actually detailed that blowing out someone else’s candles is hurtful and that’s why no one invites her anymore? 

BlackLakeBlueFish −  Your stepdaughter’s bio parents are doing her a disservice. She needs to practice appropriate party participation outside the party setting. They should be lighting birthday candles and practicing clapping and cheering for others. Watching faces for joy, and cheering the joy.

Your daughter definitely deserves her important day focused on her, not the tantruming sibling. She will resent her for taking away from the experience of both her and her friends.

AceOfGargoyes17 −  Going slightly against the grain, but with the current info, ESH. Yes, you should prioritise your daughter on her birthday, but it’s an AH move to exclude your stepdaughter from a family event unless there’s a really good reason.

I don’t think “stepdaughter doesn’t understand social cues and blows out the candles” is a good reason: yes, she shouldn’t do this and you shouldn’t simply allow it to happen, but you can find ways to avoid this happening rather tham jumping straight to excluding her.

I think ESH because it seems that neither you nor your husband (or, presumably, your stepdaughter’s mother) have taken any steps to try to help your stepdaughter navigate social situations and understand social cues.

That’s definitely AH behaviour: you’re all setting a seven year old up to be excluded from social situations again and again. If you are taking steps to help your stepdaughter learn social cues, I might reconsider my judgement.

dajulz91 −  Whilst I absolutely sympathize, I’ll begrudgingly say that YTA. She is your husband’s daughter, and she is 7. That makes her YOUR daughter too and the word “step-daughter” is just semantics at this point. You are a FAMILY. 

 Let me ask you one thing: Can you say, in all honesty, that you would exclude her if she was your daughter’s blood-related sister? Think about that very carefully.

Think, too, how it would feel if you, as a 7-year-old, were to be excluded from your sister’s party for something you don’t completely understand. Your husband is absolutely right to be mad at you. That said, it would be good to know that steps are being taken to remedy his daughter’s behavior.

Having an autistic kid is extremely difficult, and it is even more difficult if the partner isn’t supportive, not to mention the negative impact this would have on his (YOUR) daughter’s development. The people saying NTA here must be either single or really young. That is a horrible way of dealing with this situation.

lux_roth_chop −  NTA. If the child who’s creating the problems wasn’t autistic, no one would be questioning this. Autism is not a license to act out and ruin everyone else’s day.

Unable_Pumpkin987 −  INFO: Has anyone considered parenting her? Like, explaining that she can’t blow out the candles. Reminding her right before cake that you’re not going to let her blow out the candles. Then stopping her if she tries to blow out the candles.

Removing her if she has a tantrum in response to not being permitted to blow out the candles. Or, if you know that seeing the candles without being permitted to blow them out will be too tough for her, taking her out for a walk when it’s cake time and returning afterward.

Obviously at your daughter’s party your husband should be handling all that. But it doesn’t seem inevitable that parenting one child will ruin the other’s birthday at all.

paul_rudds_drag_race −  NTA since the stepdaughter has a history of this behavior. Is your husband working on her behavior or is he just hoping she’ll magically grow out of it? Stepdaughter needs and deserves help in navigating these scenarios. Your daughter deserves a celebration where some other kid isn’t making it about herself and crying.

22CC22 −  YTA. She doesn’t “claim” that it makes her feel left out. She’s directly telling you that it makes her feel left out. Her feelings about that are real and valid. She is being left out. She is lacking social skills and needs help learning them.

I get wanting to protect your daughter’s peace, but there are ways to do that without excluding your stepdaughter, publically affirming the rest of your circle’s exclusion of her.

Set boundaries and expectations ahead of time. Practice blowing out candles at home, taking turns. Have her and your husband stand farther away from your daughter when it’s time for cake, with husband ready to physically redirect her out of the room, if needed. Let her know that if she tantrums, she will have to go outside until she can calm down.

Talk to her about what she wants to do for her next birthday party. Tell her that if she doesn’t blow out the candles, you’ll let her choose an item from Five Below afterward. Give her cheers and high fives and hugs when she’s successful. And tell her that if she does this, it will show all of her friends that she’s ready to be invited to their parties again.

Help your stepdaughter be successful. She is a kid, and she is learning and growing. Yes, developmentally, she is behind. It’s your job to help her catch up, not just point out that she doesn’t fit in and make her feel like she’s a burden that you don’t ever want to be around.

giantbrownguy −  NTA…how is your husband dealing with her behaviour? Is he educating her? Is he prepared to stand by her and remove her if she acts out? Because if not, it’s just going to ruin your daughter’s birthday.