AITA for ending my relationship because my boyfriend prioritized his ex and didn’t set boundaries?

A Reddit user reflects on her decision to end her relationship with her boyfriend after feeling sidelined by his lack of boundaries with his ex. Despite understanding the complexities of co-parenting, she struggled with being treated as an afterthought while he consistently prioritized his ex’s needs over their relationship. Now, she questions if walking away was the right choice or if she was being unreasonable.

‘ AITA for ending my relationship because my boyfriend prioritized his ex and didn’t set boundaries?’

I (31F) recently ended things with my boyfriend (32M) because I felt like I wasn’t a priority and the boundaries with his ex (F) were nonexistent. I’m questioning myself now, so I want to know—am I the a**hole for walking away?.

Here’s the full story: When we started dating, my boyfriend told me upfront that he loves his ex in a platonic way and that nothing would get in the way of their relationship. I accepted it, but I don’t think I fully understood the extent of their dynamic. Over time, I started to notice things that made me uncomfortable:

•  His ex relied on him heavily for things like housework and emotional support. She had a boyfriend at the time, but he wasn’t reliable, so my BF stepped in to help her constantly.
• They talked on the phone every day, and at the end of most calls, he told her, “I love you.” She would say it back sometimes.
•  Recently, they started going to church together as a family with their son.

His son is very important to him, and I completely understand and respect that. However, he often used his son as an excuse to justify the way he treats his ex. Any time I brought up concerns about boundaries, he’d say things like, “I’m doing this for my son,” or “I need to keep the peace for his sake” and the most overused one “you do not have kids, you don’t understand”. While I understand that co-parenting can be challenging, it often felt like he was prioritizing his ex over our relationship under the guise of doing it for his son.

At first, I tried to be understanding. I knew they shared a child, and I respected that. But it started to feel like I was a “third wheel” in my own relationship. It didn’t sit right with me, but I didn’t want to compete for his attention either—that’s just not who I am.

Then there’s this situation with our homes: A few months back, my boyfriend and I were both looking for homes, as was his ex and her boyfriend. My BF and I found a home, and his ex found one too. We all agreed that living close to each other would make it easier for him to see his son.

Her boyfriend couldn’t come up with the money, so she lost the house. On top of that, she was also going to lose the apartment she was renting. She was basically on the verge of being homeless, but she had family who could help her. I also want to state, her son was more than welcome to live with us. He would have never been homeless.

I bought the house, everything under my name. My bf helped me with a 10k loan. I put boundaries in place to protect myself. He was okay with that. ( I have always planned to give him this back plus anything else he contributes to in the home if things ended up not working out).

Before she lost the house, my boyfriend asked her to come to me to borrow money. At the time, I was in the process of buying my own house, and all of my money was tied up in that. I couldn’t give her anything. Honestly, I also wasn’t comfortable with lending her money in the first place. I am a strong believer that if you are going to let someone borrow money, be okay with never seeing it again.

Still, I didn’t want to just leave her without options. I offered to help her figure out ways to get the money herself. I gave her ideas, like selling valuable items from her home, working overtime, or even picking up a second job. I genuinely wanted to help her figure things out—but I couldn’t physically hand her money.

Then came the request for her to move in: When her housing situation fell apart, my boyfriend thought it would be a good idea for her (and her kids) to come live with *us* for a few months until she got back on her feet. The problem? He had already had the discussion with her first.

When he finally brought it up, I told him honestly that I didn’t feel comfortable with that. I’m at work all night, and I don’t trust people enough to have someone else living in my home, especially someone who already relies on my boyfriend so much….someone he had a s**ual history with. I felt terrible saying no, but I also knew her family would have her back if she truly needed help.

After I said no, my boyfriend told me that he was disappointed in me for being selfish and only thinking about me and how he did not want his son to be homeless. I stuck to my guns, he told his ex that I said no. That changed the relationship I had with her, I was now the bad guy.

What happened recently: Last night, my boyfriend’s ex ended up in the ER after being assaulted by her ex-boyfriend. My BF dropped everything to go to her rescue. I want to be clear—I don’t blame him for being there during a crisis like that. It’s a serious situation, and I get it.

But it also made me realize how much he prioritizes her and how little boundaries exist between them. I couldn’t ignore the larger pattern:

• She depends on him for everything, and he always puts her first.
• I constantly felt like I was sharing him emotionally, practically, and physically.

I realized I deserve better. I need to be a priority, and I need a partner who respects me and our relationship enough to have clear boundaries with their ex. So, I ended things. He then left and went to meet her at the ER.. **Why I’m posting this:

I’m not angry. I wish the best for him and his ex. Maybe this push will help them get back together for the sake of their child. I’m okay with that because I know I’ll be okay. Of course, it hurts to let go of someone I care about, but I refuse to compete with anyone for a man’s attention. I trust myself. I’m strong, I’m capable, I’m smart with my money, and I know my worth.

Still, I can’t help but wonder: AITA for walking away because I wanted clear boundaries and to feel like I was a priority in my own relationship? Was it unfair of me to make this decision after everything we’ve been through?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Ok-Coconut824 −  You’re definitely NTA. You chose to prioritize yourself, because your partner couldn’t or wouldn’t. He hasn’t learned how to navigate coparenting in a way where he can still live his life; and his ex has an unhealthy codependency with him. They definitely need clear boundaries if they want to have healthy relationships with other partners, that’s assuming they really want to be with other partners.

Lindensorry −  NTA. He’s sounds like he was trying to be poly without letting you know. Especially after he had the balls to ask you to let her and her kids live in YOUR house. Be glad you didn’t buy it with him. There’s no doubt in my mind that he was sleeping with her.

nunya_munroe −  Wow you put up with way too much. You absolutely did the right thing by ending things with him. You should have done it sooner, you deserve way better than he was willing to give you.

SecretaryPresent16 −  You did the right thing. It doesn’t seem like this situation will ever change. There are almost no boundaries at all between them. Im wondering…what was the point of them breaking up in the first place? It sounds like he was in a relationship with both of you.

Waste_Ad_6467 −  NTA. So glad you know your worth. Doesn’t make it hurt any less though, I am sure. You seem like a very kind, understanding person, OP. I hope you go on to find the love you deserve. All the best to you.

Wait-What1327 −  100% NTA. Your boyfriend is still in a relationship with his ex. They just aren’t having s**. He will have a hard time finding a woman who would be okay with this setup. He should get back together with his ex or stay single. You made the right choice. You deserve better.

Royal_Science2973 −  Update: he told me today that I was never going to be a priority over her. I told him that I knew. He will be looking for an apartment and will be moving out. I’ll work on giving him his money. Will keep you guys updated as every transpires.

kmflushing −  NTA. Chose yourself.

Particular-Way8018 −  My theory is he wants to have the cake and eat it too. Being together with his ex means being the father figure to her other kids and be a family man. So he wants to be with you to be free from the responsibilities. You will never be an a-hole for prioritizing yourself.

WorldlinessHefty918 −  Why are you questioning yourself? I see women doing this so much and I just don’t understand it. You’re a very smart woman. You did the right thing. First of all I was divorced many many many years ago and we had three children, but I never depended on my ex-husband for anything we had a good relationship for the kids sake as far as picking them up and all that we never argued in front of them or anything but I wouldn’t ever ask for money from his girlfriend or him I had a job.

And I received child support I also remarried 5 years later. when you divorce that’s just that it’s a divorce. That means you split up houses you split up you know when you see the kids you don’t run to the rescue of your ex-husband or ex-wife that just isn’t the way it works she has family so why doesn’t she ask the family for help?

Why does she keep asking him for help so he hasn’t set any boundaries and because of that he’s never going to be able to hold onto a woman because no woman with a brain and in her right mind is going to put up with that in other words your last in line I can understand he wants the best for his son, but he can have the best for his son without putting you last, he needs to put her in her place where she belongs and that is as an ex-wife not treating her like his wife that is unfair to you and you did absolutely the right thing.