AITA for encouraging my children do disrespect their uncle?

Family conflicts can often run deep, especially when responsibilities and neglect mix in a shared household. I (parent) recently recounted an incident that still haunts me from Memorial Day. Years ago, after our mother became a widow and we bought out her home, my brother Nate moved in to help care for her.

Despite his background in home health, Nate’s management of the house has been less than stellar—leaving it in disarray. When my children, Sky (17) and Parker (19), decided to visit their grandmother on a detour, they were met with a grim scene at the house.

Amid the chaos of moldy dishes and bugs, my daughter ended up livestreaming and venting harshly about her uncle’s neglect. Now, as legal and family fallout ensues, I’m left wondering if I’m the asshole for encouraging my children to openly disrespect him.

‘ AITA for encouraging my children do disrespect their uncle?’

Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist specializing in family dynamics, explains, “When long-standing neglect and frustration boil over, it’s not uncommon for children, especially teenagers, to express their feelings through rebellious acts like livestreaming or public outbursts. While it’s essential to guide children toward respectful communication, their behavior often reflects the environment in which they’re raised.”

She adds, “Encouraging children to speak their truth—if done constructively—can sometimes be a response to a dysfunctional situation. However, it’s critical for parents to also model healthy communication and help the children channel their emotions in a way that doesn’t cause additional harm.”

Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, states, “Family conflicts like these are complex. When a caretaker consistently fails in their responsibilities, it can create a rift that leads to public displays of discontent. While parental guidance is important, sometimes the shock of neglect triggers a natural, albeit unrefined, reaction in children. The key is to eventually work through these emotions in a way that promotes healing rather than deepening resentment.”

Both experts agree that while the children’s reaction is understandable given the neglect, the role of parental guidance is to help them express their feelings without causing further conflict. A mediated family conversation might help everyone understand the underlying issues and work toward a more stable environment.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Several redditors expressed sympathy for the children’s reaction, with one user stating, “When you’re raised in an environment where responsibilities are neglected, it’s only natural for kids to lash out. You’re not the asshole for wanting your children to voice their frustration.”

Another commenter shared, “I get that you’re upset with your brother’s neglect. Encouraging your kids to express how they feel can be healthy, but it’s also important to guide them on how to do it constructively.”

Ultimately, the situation highlights a painful family dynamic where neglect and unaddressed responsibilities have pushed my children to a breaking point. While I understand the criticism for encouraging disrespect, my frustration stems from years of seeing our family home deteriorate under Nate’s watch. This raises an important question: How do we help children express their feelings about family neglect in a way that leads to constructive change rather than further conflict?

What would you do if your family’s neglect forced your children to speak out publicly? Share your thoughts and experiences below—your insights might help others navigate these complex family dynamics.